What would you do please?

belfastgirl23

OK the thing I've been wondering here is whether your OH is definitely into women? I know that might be a hard thing to think about but it does really sound to me like there is some form of repression going on here. And it could be entirely unconscious (or buried) on his part. A lot of the things you're saying here are ringing alarm bells for me. He can just about cope with s*x so long as he doesn't really have to acknowledge that you're really there. You have a lot to think about here.

I'm not saying this to hurt you but I think there are all sorts of alarm bells ringing for you as well in this situation, what I'm trying to say is that your instincts are serving you well, this is definitely something to be very concerned about.

The father thing is just creepy as well...you did very well handling this!

WestWalesWannabee

I can understand your comments but I can assure you he is definitely into women. He shows me he loves me in lots of ways. He loves hugging and sends me ecards telling me how much he loves me. I know I said previously that he just wants to "climb aboard" but it doesn't feel like he's just using me as a receptical. He likes to try new positions in bed but not foreplay. He wants us to move in together and eventually have children too. I have absolutely no doubt that he is into women. Thanks though.

AbFab

As a few people have stated, snogging isn't for everyone. Perhaps he is just one of these people.
Perhaps you didn't have bad breath with your last boyfriends but something's changed since, or this current man in question just doesn't like your oral pheromones in that regard, and there's not a great deal you can do about that.
Perhaps he has some hangups about technique, and it really is a big deal to him.

You have to work out if you can live without the kissing, whether you are compatible enough in all the other areas to make a loving, happy relationship last. Some people can, e.g. the other halves of the posters in this thread who have maintained the relationship even though their OH doesn't want to kiss, and some can't - the people to whom kissing is one of the most important things in the world. You have to work out which one you are.
He may eventually come round, but you cannot expect him to.

As for forcing the issue, no one would suggest forcing the issue if it was another 'more risque' shall we say sexual act.

Best of luck. x

paddy's_mum

Oh, lord. So you've got a defiant pig of a father, whose idea of innocent fun is inappropriate touching, indecent assault under the guise of playful grappling, the 'amusing' concept of causing actual pain and humiliation as well as a boyfriend who was too afraid of his father to defend you until forced to "cave in".

My alarm bells are clanging too. I suspect that, as a couple, you need to seek professional help unless you are prepared to accept this degree of distant intimacy and selfishness in order to have the other good things that he brings to the relationship.

It's not an easy one and I truly wish you well.

Errata

WestWalesWannabee wrote: »

I can understand your comments but I can assure you he is definitely into women. He shows me he loves me in lots of ways. He loves hugging and sends me ecards telling me how much he loves me. I know I said previously that he just wants to "climb aboard" but it doesn't feel like he's just using me as a receptical. He likes to try new positions in bed but not foreplay. He wants us to move in together and eventually have children too. I have absolutely no doubt that he is into women. Thanks though.

He doesn't kiss and he doesn't do foreplay but is open to a bit of sexual excitement ? Sounds like he has sexual activity completely walled up against ingress of feelings, empathy, caring and pleasing. He's got a very big problem and I'm wondering if, as he hasn't had a girlfriend until age 34, he's been using prostitutes which require no emotional engagement.

WestWalesWannabee

Errata wrote: »

He doesn't kiss and he doesn't do foreplay but is open to a bit of sexual excitement ? Sounds like he has sexual activity completely walled up against ingress of feelings, empathy, caring and pleasing. He's got a very big problem and I'm wondering if, as he hasn't had a girlfriend until age 34, he's been using prostitutes which require no emotional engagement.

God no! He was a virgin when I met him (he told me) and it was very obvious. He doesn't do casual sex at all. He's a very emotional guy who is very sensible and only wants to have sex with someone he loves which is why he was waiting so long. He finds the idea of one night stands from a night out horrendous let alone prostitutes!

Emmzi

WW, have you tried dating other blokes? I think you aren't emotionally free until you stop hanging onto the idea that this guy will change...

Total break, 6 months, go for lots of nights out and dinners, swe what other men are like. Then decide?

There's no rush, is there?

WestWalesWannabee

Emmzi wrote: »

WW, have you tried dating other blokes? I think you aren't emotionally free until you stop hanging onto the idea that this guy will change...

Total break, 6 months, go for lots of nights out and dinners, swe what other men are like. Then decide?

There's no rush, is there?

I have tried dating other guys yes and all i've met are odd bods off internet dating. Some make arrangements and cancel them, never to be heard from again. I've met some truly strange men this year which makes him look all the more normal despite the kissing problem!

cakeordeath_2

Errata wrote: »

He doesn't kiss and he doesn't do foreplay but is open to a bit of sexual excitement ? Sounds like he has sexual activity completely walled up against ingress of feelings, empathy, caring and pleasing. He's got a very big problem and I'm wondering if, as he hasn't had a girlfriend until age 34, he's been using prostitutes which require no emotional engagement.

I don't think HE's got a very big problem, I think it might be a big problem for their relationship, it may just be the empathy he struggles with, he may desperately want to please and be caring and I'm damned sure he is aware that she has feelings. It's just not straight as forward for everyone to understand HOW to act on these feelings. You also seem to be assuming (with the prostitute comment) that he'd have needed sexual contact...the OP has stated that he was a virgin..people can live their lives perfectly happily without sex you know... physical contact is not the be all and end all for every adult.

WestWalesWannabee

cakeordeath wrote: »

I don't think HE's got a very big problem, I think it might be a big problem for their relationship, it may just be the empathy he struggles with, he may desperately want to please and be caring and I'm damned sure he is aware that she has feelings. It's just not straight as forward for everyone to understand HOW to act on these feelings. You also seem to be assuming (with the prostitute comment) that he'd have needed sexual contact...the OP has stated that he was a virgin..people can live their lives perfectly happily without sex you know... physical contact is not the be all and end all for every adult.

Thank you for this. Helpful post. He is an incredibly caring guy and I know he wants to make me happy..i just think he's scared. It's such a shame.