What would you do please?

belfastgirl23

I kind of think there's more to it than shyness. I don't know whether it's some kind of repressed awful memory or fear of germs or something but to me, one way or another, there's some kind of phobia at work here. I can (kind of) understand someone trying kissing and not getting it but I can't understand not trying. I really think it warrants a much longer and more involved conversation. If you can't have the conversation then the kissing isn't really the problem anyway...

TeetersOnHeels

Hi,
I couldn't imagine getting jiggy in the bedroom without any form of kissing going off....Does he kiss any other bits of you (lady garden not included )...Your neck, chest, tummy?
I would've thought he'd love to learn, having a partner who was keen to show him all the good bits.......

WestWalesWannabee

TeetersOnHeels wrote: »

Hi,
I couldn't imagine getting jiggy in the bedroom without any form of kissing going off....Does he kiss any other bits of you (lady garden not included )...Your neck, chest, tummy?
I would've thought he'd love to learn, having a partner who was keen to show him all the good bits.......

He doesn't kiss anywhere really. not neck, not shoulders, stomach, nothing... And yes you're right. It is difficult to imagine how we got jiggy without the kissing. That's another part of the problem. There's no passionate build up to that so it just happens because we go to bed to go to sleep and then sometimes he asks for sex or i make a move on him and he just thinks it's ok for me to have no foreplay when i'm doing all i can to please him. he then just wants to climb aboard with no lead up. i've tried teaching him things, showing him things etc (all considerately and patiently) and he just doesn't seem to have any confidence and doesn't really want to do it. He's not selfish, he's just worried about getting things wrong and no matter how much I try and encourage him/support him, he just doesn't want to try.

WestWalesWannabee

Marcheline wrote: »

I hope this doesn't come across as offensive as it's not my intention, but as no-one else has mentioned it, I will: do either of you have bad breath? I could be way off kilter, but it might not be down to shyness at all and if it is bad breath, there are steps either of you could take.

Aside from that, if it is just shyness and he is the perfect man in every other way, I could definitely learn to live with it. A perfect, kind, loving man who doesn't kiss is preferable to a man who kisses well but is not so perfect in every other way. The fact that you dumped him over this issue and he still hasn't said he'd try is troubling me though.

As someone else said, he'd hardly shove you off him if you were well in the thick of it (IYKWIM) and then you kissed him, would he?

No neither of us have bad breath. I know this isn't really relevant but i've been told by a couple of ex boyfriend's that i'm a really good kisser so i don't think it's because i am awful at it or have bad breath.

cakeordeath_2

I don't like kissing....I don't find it romantic, it turns me off. I don't know why but it's just the way I am.
If my dh tries to put his tongue in my mouth I freeze up. It's like a blockage that my brain just can't get passed. So pushing the issue would really just have the opposite of the desired effect.

I have no idea how you can overcome this problem you have. I just wanted to tell you how it feels from the other side.

We love each other dearly, been together 18 years, he's my soul mate...he wouldn't throw away everything we do have together just because he likes to kiss and I don't, we've got too much good stuff going on.

I hope you can find a way to accept that that's just who he is and be happy for all the other wonderful things you share together.

snipzychick

He sounds like such a lovely guy in every other way, it's such a shame that you see this as a deal breaker.

There are sooo many men out there who may be able to give you the lingering passionate kisses you require, but may not be able to hold a candle to him in every other way.

I have a 16 year old son, who is shy and self conscious. He can be very rigid about certain things, has set ideas, does not like change, and can become very stubborn if he has to move out of his comfort zone. He has always been this way, as I suspect your man has. I have learned over the years it is a waste of time to get him to change anything, he will do so in his own time, and only if and when he feels comfortable about it. To push him would just make him feel more self conscious, and he just puts the barriers up. On the upside he is a lovely young man, respectful, thoughtful etc. It's just one part of his character.

Your guy already knows your feelings on the subject, so any further discussion is just going to make him feel even worse about it. If you do decide to get back with him, you will need a lot of patience, and you never know, he may snog your face off one day!!

Nobody is perfect

jinky67

WestWalesWannabee wrote: »

He doesn't kiss anywhere really. not neck, not shoulders, stomach, nothing... And yes you're right. It is difficult to imagine how we got jiggy without the kissing. That's another part of the problem. There's no passionate build up to that so it just happens because we go to bed to go to sleep and then sometimes he asks for sex or i make a move on him and he just thinks it's ok for me to have no foreplay when i'm doing all i can to please him. he then just wants to climb aboard with no lead up. i've tried teaching him things, showing him things etc (all considerately and patiently) and he just doesn't seem to have any confidence and doesn't really want to do it. He's not selfish, he's just worried about getting things wrong and no matter how much I try and encourage him/support him, he just doesn't want to try.

Sorry but I couldnt stay with anyone who had no seeming interest in sex or kissing. If its causing you anguish just now just think how frustrated you will be in 10 years time:o

paddy's_mum

There is something really quite awry here, given that kissing someone you have feelings for is almost a basic instinct - how "shy" would a mother or father have to be not to kiss their new born child? Does it take plans to hug your mum at the airport when you return to your homeland for the first time in two years?

Is the boyfriend simply just a bit of an oddball (no offence intended)? Is the lack of kissing just the tail end of whatever hang-up or morality based scruple held him back until you came along? Is he actually repelled or disgusted by physical contact but can cope with just straightforward intercourse? What does he actually do with his face during your encounters?

My eye was caught too by the fact of problems with his Dad. Were they based on possessiveness or rigid religious views or feeling that you're not "good enough" for his son? You don't mention a Mum ...

Only you can decide whether or not you can go on in the absence of such an elemental confirmation of his feelings for you. At my age, it wouldn't worry me but then I've had all my younger years and the experiences of girlfriend, wife, mother etc. I suspect that this lack bothers you enough that eventually you would feel resentful of his reluctance. The day you interpret it as coldness is the day the relationship begins to unravel.

It's easy to understand why you feel bothered by this aspect but not so easy to suggest a way forward. I wish you luck in sorting it out.

Edit to add> Sorry - posts crossed. It isn't just kissing, is it? I'd be looking really carefully at all this because I can tell you from experience that coming to the belief or realisation that you are being used as a receptacle eventually kills love stone dead.

WestWalesWannabee

paddy's_mum wrote: »

There is something really quite awry here, given that kissing someone you have feelings for is almost a basic instinct - how "shy" would a mother or father have to be not to kiss their new born child? Does it take plans to hug your mum at the airport when you return to your homeland for the first time in two years?

Is the boyfriend simply just a bit of an oddball (no offence intended)? Is the lack of kissing just the tail end of whatever hang-up or morality based scruple held him back until you came along? Is he actually repelled or disgusted by physical contact but can cope with just straightforward intercourse? What does he actually do with his face during your encounters?

My eye was caught too by the fact of problems with his Dad. Were they based on possessiveness or rigid religious views or feeling that you're not "good enough" for his son? You don't mention a Mum ...

Only you can decide whether or not you can go on in the absence of such an elemental confirmation of his feelings for you. At my age, it wouldn't worry me but then I've had all my younger years and the experiences of girlfriend, wife, mother etc. I suspect that this lack bothers you enough that eventually you would feel resentful of his reluctance. The day you interpret it as coldness is the day the relationship begins to unravel.

It's easy to understand why you feel bothered by this aspect but not so easy to suggest a way forward. I wish you luck in sorting it out.

He still lives at home with his parents (never moved out) and despite that, he isn't an oddball at all. He's really normal actually and a really kind hearted guy. I've never had a boyfriend quite like him. The issue with his dad was a horrible one. Every time I went to the house to see him, his dad used to tease me very inappropriately with bad sexual innuendo and would do thing such as try and pull me on his lap whilst grappling with me. I hate anything like this. When I first met my boyfriend I was 3 stone heavier than I am now and his dad used to embarrass me about my weight in front of people I didn't know (other family members) and used to grab hold of me a lot and do things like whack me really hard on the backside which really hurt. This used to really upset me and I spoke to my boyfriend about it (in tears) and asked him to speak to his dad about it. I had vented my feelings to his dad about it. I'm not a shy retiring type at all but felt that my boyfriend needed to have a word too to stop it. He was reluctant to for ages and this caused major stress everytime I went to the house. Eventually after another incident and me being in tears he eventually spoke to his dad who said that it was all innocent fun (not to me). I think he is quite intimidated by his dad and as he lived at home didn't want to rock the boat but i felt very little support in that situation until he finally caved and spoke to him after months.

Tom1234

I'd be concerned that the issue of not kissing was possibly a hang up due to his Dads appauling attitude towards the opposite sex. If his Dad was like that with you, what must he have been like with his Mum?

I hope you guys work it out, but I think realistically the only way this situation could ever be resolved is by sitting down and openly communicating with your bloke. If he can't understand and try to meet your needs (as you try to understand and meet his) then can this ever work?