What would you do please?

WestWalesWannabee

Hi everyone. I haven't posted on this board before but i could really do with people's opinions. It's going to sound so stupid but it's going round and round in my head and I could do with some advice.

Ok. Sorry if this is long.

I was seeing a really lovely guy for about a year and a half. Great guy but i was his first relationship at the age of 34. I had a few problems with his dad which led to some serious upset and us breaking up and causing some major stress. After him trying to sort this out, we got back together briefly and I think that problem has been mostly rectified, however there is another problem which led us to break up again.. As i mentioned previously, i was his first girlfriend at the grand old age of 34 and so he was a virgin when I met him. He wasn't the kind of guy to do casual one night flings and was waiting to meet someone who he knew he could fall in love with and mean something. That turned out to be me. The problem is he can't kiss. And I don't mean he tries and it's awful, he just doesn't try. The extent of his kissing was a peck on the lips like he's kissing family members. I love the intimacy of kissing and it's a big thing to me. We were together for a year and a half and he never once kissed me like you should be kissed in a relationship. I've spoken to him about it so many times and tried to encourage him to try and have given him pointers and been understanding but after a year and a half I gave up. It just got so frustrating. We've been apart a year now and we're still very much in each other's lives. He's the most generous/supportive/kind hearted guy I know and I can rely on him completely and he can rely on me. We do so much for each other but we're not together. We both know that we're in love with each other still and have talked about getting back together a lot. Neither one of us has found anybody else that we are intested in pursuing a relationship with in a whole year and care about each other immensely.

So I guess what i'm asking is this... would you consider a relationship with somebody who can't/won't learn to kiss when it's really important to you when he has so many other amazing qualities that i'm looking for a in a great guy? I don't think i can compromise but i still love him and he's got this mental block and lack of confidence about learning to kiss. It's ridiculous! He's fine in the bedroom department, he just can't and doesn't want to learn to kiss. It's stopping us from being really happy with each other and settling down together. Some days I think i can learn to live without it but then i think i can't and i don't want him to meet anybody else. Can i have your thoughts please? Sorry for the long rambling post.

BitterAndTwisted

If he's definitely the right guy for you and you can visualise you being together forever then I reckon no kissing would be a very small price to pay for future long-term bliss.

Although I do suspect that he's resisting your attempts to teach him from total lack of experience and is embarrassed about it. You never know, once you stop asking he might decide to start trying. If you're worth it to him, he might

zippychick

WestWalesWannabee wrote: »

I don't think i can compromise but i still love him and he's got this mental block and lack of confidence about learning to kiss. It's ridiculous! .

This comment struck me - you obviously can't understand his shyness and insecurity so it doesn't sound like you have much patience or sympathy . The more you harp on about it, the more you will stop him from wanting to learn. Maybe you could try and be a bit more understanding?

is he willing to seek counselling about it?

can you not remember how aqkward and embarassing it was learning all this stuff at a younger age? Well he is in exactly the same boat!


It's not stopping him being happy, it's stopping you.

WestWalesWannabee

zippychick wrote: »

This comment struck me - you obviously can't understand his shyness and insecurity so it doesn't sound like you have much patience or sympathy . The more you harp on about it, the more you will stop him from wanting to learn. Maybe you could try and be a bit more understanding?

is he willing to seek counselling about it?

can you not remember how aqkward and embarassing it was learning all this stuff at a younger age? Well he is in exactly the same boat!


It's not stopping him being happy, it's stopping you.

I was patient about it. I waited a whole year of saying nothing and for him to do it off his own back and he didn't. And no, i don't remember it being awkward when I was a teenager learning. I just got on with it and learned by making mistakes along the way. I completely understand how embarrassing it is for him but he lost his virginity with me and trusted me enough to tell me about that so surely I was the kind of person he could speak to about with that as he knew how caring and sincere I am. I understand he's shy about it and lacks confidence and i've tried everything I can to let it happen naturally before I said anything and it didn't. It was then I had to say something and it wasn't criticising. I was really sensitive about it.

Threebabes

If everything else in the relationship was fine apart from that, I would go for it. You never know with time even years he might get the confidence to try.

good luck x

pinkshoes

I would be VERY frustrated too!! I think it would be something that I couldn't live with! I had a b/f like that once, but I was 16 at the time!!!

When you say you've tried everything, what defines "everything"?

Could you not try erm... helping him with your tongue? (i.e. using it to force him to move his???)

WestWalesWannabee

He doesn't hang around long enough for me to try that! He literally pecks me on the lips and pulls away. He doesn't even kiss me on the lips and hold it there longingly. I love him and want to be able to kiss him! He kisses his mum and sister in exactly the same way.

busiscoming2

Mmmmmm difficult. I agree the more you go on, the less likely he is to want to try. Have you ever just asked him if he is embarrased about learning to kiss? does he know you want to teach him without lecturing him?

Have you tried getting him a bit tiddly (or drunk) so he loses a little of his inhibitions?

I have to say my oh didn't seem to like a good old snog in the beginning, he seemed happy with a few pecks, but when he realised how much it meant to me and he decided he did quite like it, things were fine. Did take a while though.
Good Luck

username456

I don't know about this - kissing means a lot to me - sometimes a kiss is more intimate than sex and if this is something that means a great deal to you and despite him knowing this he is not willing even to give it a try even once - is this the person you'd want to be with? If you do get together and you end up compromising on other things - would you resent him never even giving kissing a try?

ZippyChick - she's been with this bloke for over a year, so I think it is a little unfair to say that she doesn't know him.

Any

pinkshoes wrote: »

I would be VERY frustrated too!! I think it would be something that I couldn't live with! I had a b/f like that once, but I was 16 at the time!!!

When you say you've tried everything, what defines "everything"?

Could you not try erm... helping him with your tongue? (i.e. using it to force him to move his???)

I completely agree!

Is he very religious or something like that? It strikes me that he does not know what is expected from him and what is normal..

Has he seen other people kissing?

Or is it just that he doesn't like exchanging bodily fluids?? It could be that as well.

Any

busiscoming2 wrote: »

Have you tried getting him a bit tiddly (or drunk) so he loses a little of his inhibitions?

Good Luck

I was thinking the same!!:rotfl::rotfl: