What would you do please?

Reds-on-Sea

I don't think it's that big a deal. I always thought snogging (with tongues) was only really something that happened in the early stages of a relationship anyway? I really do see it as a bit of a teenage thing.

I think OP is probably missing it more because she can't have it, rather than doesn't have it. By the sounds of it, he sounds like a nice guy who really loves you. Maybe it's just not his thing.

WestWalesWannabee

[QUOTE=Puzzledbubbles;26235899]can i ask how long you were together before you did the deed? I am only wondering becuase if he had saved himself all that time and then got swept away by it all be might think he is doing everything right?


I think that the issue here is not whether you can live with it, but whether you can live without him .....

HTH[/QUOTE]

I think we were together 3/4 weeks before we did the deed. I knew early on that he was a virgin.

That last part is what keeps going around in my head. As we're not currently together I know this situation can't go on forever. Eventually he will meet someone and i may have missed my chance to sort this out. The thought of him with someone else really upsets me.

WestWalesWannabee

I think OP is probably missing it more because she can't have it, rather than doesn't have it. By the sounds of it, he sounds like a nice guy who really loves you. Maybe it's just not his thing.[/QUOTE]

In fairness, it's always been a really important thing to me. I would rather give up sex than snogging!

Errata

I think we were together 3/4 weeks before we did the deed. I knew early on that he was a virgin

You were his first girlfriend because he wanted to 'save' himself for when he met someone he could love. How could he know in 3/4 weeks you were the one for him when he had no experience whatsoever of any other women ?

Emmzi

WestWalesWannabee wrote: »

I have tried dating other guys yes and all i've met are odd bods off internet dating. Some make arrangements and cancel them, never to be heard from again. I've met some truly strange men this year which makes him look all the more normal despite the kissing problem!

with non kissing bloke still lurking around as a friend?

you're not going to really try with someone else, and really emotionally commit, until other guy is not around.

WestWalesWannabee

Errata wrote: »

You were his first girlfriend because he wanted to 'save' himself for when he met someone he could love. How could he know in 3/4 weeks you were the one for him when he had no experience whatsoever of any other women ?

We connected quite quickly and felt really comfortable with each other. Do you really need to have experience of lots of other girls to know you can love one person?

cakeordeath_2

Errata wrote: »

I don't think he has a deep regard and warmth for the OP. He wouldn't stick up for her over her problem with his dad until he was absolutely forced to and he's a pretty cold fish emotionally.

He has grown up with seeing his dad this way, living his whole life around that behaviour, he may not have known it was such a big issue until the OP made it perfectly clear. Signals that are blindingly obvious to some people aren't always so obvious to others. When the OP did make it clear, then he confronted his father, so he did stick up for her and it may not have been because he was forced, it may have been because he truely didn't realise.

He's not necessarily a cold fish, his emotions could well be deeply embedded which also means he will feel things deeply, like his need to save his virginity for instance.

Relationships with people who don't see signals and know how to respond are pretty difficult, there is a lot more for the partner of these people to understand, so it's always going to be a bit of work and take some learning to spot how much they really are giving to the relationship and teaching them how to demonstrate it better.

WestWalesWannabee

Emmzi wrote: »

with non kissing bloke still lurking around as a friend?

you're not going to really try with someone else, and really emotionally commit, until other guy is not around.

I haven't met anyone who i could be with so no need to try. It's not like i haven't been on dates. I have and all the guys i've met have been idiots. If I did meet someone then yes I can understand that him being around could be a problem but that hasn't happened so it's not holding me back.

BlondeHeadOn

I am still not quite clear as to what you ultimately want out of this relationship. Are you wanting a marriage and/or children and/or 'forever together' (including retiring together) kind of deal?

One thing to bear in mind is that intimacy may tend to wane rather than increase as time goes by - if you are not getting all you want now, then you might have to be prepared to get even less as the years pass.

Another question: do you have you own house? Could he move in with you, rather than going the whole hog of getting a place together - it might be a useful way of testing the waters.

I don't get the impression that you are ready to take the plunge with a whole new lifestyle with this guy (or not at the moment), so maybe some way of changing the current situation might help you make up your mind?

I get the sense that you are stuck in an agony of indecision - making a kind of 'small step' decision might break the cycle?

BlondeHeadOn

One thing I forgot to mention: you could always go for a 'move in together for an agreed trial period' type of arrangement. Say, 3 months. (I did this once and it worked well.)

If during that time he makes your life feel better and happier, then it's working well. If during that time you spend your time wishing for more intimacy, and trying to decide if you can bear to live without it - then living with him does not make you happier, and it's probably time to give up.

Either way, at least you will know...

:grouphug:

PS In my case after the 3 months I realised it would never work the way I wanted it to, but at least I now knew and could move on.