What would you do please?

WestWalesWannabee

BlondeHeadOn wrote: »

I am still not quite clear as to what you ultimately want out of this relationship. Are you wanting a marriage and/or children and/or 'forever together' (including retiring together) kind of deal?

Yes that is what i'm ultimately looking for out of this relationship. We've both talked about settling down together and having children. We have the same goals in that respect and ideally see each other as the person to do it with.

Oh and I do have my own place (rented) but it's a one bedroom bungalow and not big enough for the two of us so we'd have to get something else.

BlondeHeadOn

WestWalesWannabee wrote: »

BlondeHeadOn wrote: »

I am still not quite clear as to what you ultimately want out of this relationship. Are you wanting a marriage and/or children and/or 'forever together' (including retiring together) kind of deal?

BlondeHeadOn wrote: »

Yes that is what i'm ultimately looking for out of this relationship. We've both talked about settling down together and having children. We have the same goals in that respect and ideally see each other as the person to do it with.

Oh and I do have my own place (rented) but it's a one bedroom bungalow and not big enough for the two of us so we'd have to get something else.

It sounds perfect for a 3 month trial period though! A 1 bedroomed small bungalow? Magic, that way you HAVE to be intimate!

It's a trial, so he doesn't have to move much stuff in (which will take the pressure off both of you).

Go for it, I'd say!

creased-leach

Hi,
I've read most of the thread but not the last two pages.

I've known two people who don't like kissing- one male, one female. Both were victims of sexual abuse as children.

In both cases, the kissing is just the manifestation of where the problem lies- it's a problem with intimacy, not kissing.

What this means for you, if he can't change it- and that could be an insurmountable thing for him- is a life without intimacy. It means you have to decide if you can live without passion.

You want nights of passion on a yacht in stormy, tumultuous seas, but in reality, sex is like a roll on roll off ferry, right?

It can make you feel less womanly, less sexually attractive, less wanted...it's easy to think it's just the mechanics of locking lips that you lose- it's not.

I don't doubt he's wonderful. I'm not downplaying that. Good people are hard to find and should be appreciated. He may well be Mr Perfect in every other way- and you are the only one who can weigh that up against the intimacy issues.

I'm just trying to spell out the reality of what you're likely to be facing in ten..fifteen years time. Once you've committed, you have kids, and you still love him...you'll be resigned to a lifetime of feeling you're withering on the vine.

If you'd like to chat to the voice of experience- I'll pm you. There are ways of making it work...but you really need to be outside the box.

Good luck XX

BlondeHeadOn

creased-leach wrote: »

Hi,
I've read most of the thread but not the last two pages.

I've known two people who don't like kissing- one male, one female. Both were victims of sexual abuse as children.

In both cases, the kissing is just the manifestation of where the problem lies- it's a problem with intimacy, not kissing.

What this means for you, if he can't change it- and that could be an insurmountable thing for him- is a life without intimacy. It means you have to decide if you can live without passion.

You want nights of passion on a yacht in stormy, tumultuous seas, but in reality, sex is like a roll on roll off ferry, right?

It can make you feel less womanly, less sexually attractive, less wanted...it's easy to think it's just the mechanics of locking lips that you lose- it's not.

I don't doubt he's wonderful. I'm not downplaying that. Good people are hard to find and should be appreciated. He may well be Mr Perfect in every other way- and you are the only one who can weigh that up against the intimacy issues.

I'm just trying to spell out the reality of what you're likely to be facing in ten..fifteen years time. Once you've committed, you have kids, and you still love him...you'll be resigned to a lifetime of feeling you're withering on the vine.

If you'd like to chat to the voice of experience- I'll pm you. There are ways of making it work...but you really need to be outside the box.

Good luck XX

Perfect post, creased-leach, that summed up my misgivings about the situation that I couldn't articulate.

(Love the yacht/ferry analogy too!)

It's the steady drip drip erosion of lack of intimacy that would slowly finish me off - couldn't face that at all, personally.

Thank you.

Pee

If someone was completely right in every other way, I don't think kissing would be a dealbreaker.

That said, a friend was complianing about a lack of snogging in her relationship and that weekend, having made me think about, we kissed lots and it was a lovely feeling of closeness.

I think the trouble is in a relationship it's very easy to focus on what you don't get and what you aren't happy with, so if it feels like a big deal to you, it is a big deal.

notsayingaword

How about giving him some tips to study in his own time? You can google sites and email links to him or why not buy him a book?
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Art-Kissing-William-Cane/dp/0312117442/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1256311128&sr=1-2

My DH jokingly emailed some 'tips' :rolleyes: to me that he had found on the internet and as miffed as I was (as I thought my technique was pretty good and he wasn't really complaining!) it opened my eyes to a new way of doing things - so I read them and put them into practice! It made for an interesting night and DH was very happy that I was willing to do this for him. Do you think this would work for you?

Kissing is obviously very important to you and if he really cares for you as much as you say, then surely he would want to try to make you happy and do as much for you as you do for him! A relationship runs two-ways but yours seems to be on a one-way street!

LameWolf

creased-leach wrote: »

Hi,
I've read most of the thread but not the last two pages.

I've known two people who don't like kissing- one male, one female. Both were victims of sexual abuse as children.

In both cases, the kissing is just the manifestation of where the problem lies- it's a problem with intimacy, not kissing.

It's surprising, also the apparently "innocuous" things that can become insurmountable obstacles. For instance, someone who was sexually abused in a swimming pool changing room, who, over 40 years later, still cannot cope with the smell of a chlorinated pool. (True story, btw).

I hope for both your sakes that you can find a happy answer to your dilemma.

Errata

WestWalesWannabee wrote: »

We connected quite quickly and felt really comfortable with each other. Do you really need to have experience of lots of other girls to know you can love one person?

Not necessarily, I just thought it was very odd that someone who had waited until he was 34 before having a girlfriend and had hung on to his virginity because he was waiting for the one could be certain after a couple of weeks he had found the one and then jumped into bed with them.

gone4gold62

WestWalesWannabee wrote: »

Nope.. Doesn't do that either.:o

oh no :eek:poor you i could live with out the snogging but not the other erm lack of use

lostinrates

Skimmed last page, but I think the father's behaviour is possibly highly relevant. Not only does it sound like he hasnt had role models of wanted and tender intimacy, but he's seen his father's uinappropriate intimacy makes people recoil.

i'd say, if you are serious getting a place might not be a bad idea: you don't ned his parents around.

IMO you need to be really frank with him: even showing him this, though some might be quite hurtful, telling him how much you want this to work but that he needs to meet you half way. If he is committe to that he will go on some sort of course/counselling with you.

IN the mentime there is almost always a magazine for sale with ideas about improving sex life, which seem corny, but sound as if they might be just right for him, if he's prepred to try. most start with banning sex... armed with a father, some silk scarves, masage oil, a scented bath...anything that has you naked and initmate but not in the sex act...I personally do not enjoy food being slurped off me, but it would at least get him using his mouth...I'd buy some squirty cream....or whatever.

the hardest thing is not to turn it into an instructional, because nothing kills romance as much. set some rules for the ''games'' then let him get on with it, giving only positive feed bck when it feels good.