Dilemma about son and domestic abuse

mumslave

well no it means she knows phone calls were made, not what was said during those phonecalls. I think tom has a point, in that we actually dont know which parts he has confirmed, all of it, some of it, why he did it...however i respect the fact the OP may not wish to share any further.

Tom1234

'your GF has said you've been threatening her, and harrassing her via phone - is this true?

If you're going to quote me, at least do it accurately.

Please can you stop trying to turn this into an arguement between you and me about the phrasing of my posts. The meaning of them (i thought) was quite clear. I felt originally, and still do, that the OP needs to find out the whole truth of events before she can decide what action to take.

I cannot for a second concieve of a conversation where the OP asked her Son 'did you threaten your GF with a knife?' without asking 'for the love of god, WHY did you do that?'.

From that answer, we could then establish a better picture of the mental health of DS and possibly give more useful advice.

Edit: And yes, I can completely understand the OP not wanting to share this info. However without it, all people can do is guess at the truth of the situation, which may result in you getting some misleading advice from the posters here.

sleepymy

Tom1234 wrote: »

Sigh...

I'm not suggesting that he wasn't threatening her with it. I'm suggesting the OP finds out what his reasoning behind that was.

I also wanted to clarify whether or not the OP questioned him specifically about the knife incident, or said to her son 'your GF has said you've been threatening her, and harrassing her via phone - is this true?' which most people would have done.

I don't appreciate the sexist insinuation present in your last line either - however that's not what this topic is about.

Whilst I don't necessarily agree with all of your opinions on the situation Tom I do agree that that was a very (probably unintentional) sexist way to phrase it. Many domestic knife attacks are perpetrated by woman.

belfastgirl23

I think we're all interpreting the knife thing differently. In my mind he was waving it around in a vaguely threatening manner. Which is a lot different than holding someone against a wall with a knife to their throat. OP do you know any more about the incident?

sleepymy

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I think we're all interpreting the knife thing differently. In my mind he was waving it around in a vaguely threatening manner. Which is a lot different than holding someone against a wall with a knife to their throat. OP do you know any more about the incident?

Does it really make that much of a difference? It indicates a lack of self control and the intent to make someone fear for their safety. There's no difference in waving a knife about and waving a gun about IMHO.

squirrelchops

I haven't read all of the posts so am sorry if this has already been said.....

What actually struck me in the OPs first post was the bit about her son saying to the Gf ...'can you come over at 2am because the cat is talking to me'.....or words to that effect.

That combined with the erratic behaviour, his age, being male would suggest to me some kind of possible mental illness.

I therefore see the threats and violence as possible linked to this with a mental illness the underlying issue that then causes him to behave in the way he is towards his girlfriend.

Young people with schizophrenia can become very confused and hostile towards peopel they are in a relaionship with for example. Also this young man is at the prime age for developing this kind of disorder.

Liquorice_Twirls

Please don't make the automatic assumption that he is mentally ill because he is saying strange things. It is a possibility and should be checked out, but if he is behaving normally with other people at other times this is not so likely. Very few (less than 5%) of abusive men are actually mentally ill. this is about power and control and perhaps by saying strange things he is actually getting her to feel sorry for him or believe he is ill.

I think the OP should be proud of herself that she can look to the safety of the GF when it is potentially her own son that is being abusive. I totally agree with Scottishflower who highlights the absolute dangers in getting them together in a room - this is totally opposed by most therapists who work in this field.

No-one can make her son take responsibility for what he has and is doing, and all I feel she can offer is her support when and if he is ready to do this. I feel that his girlfriend should be offered information about Domestic Abuse workers that can help her, but again she might not be ready for this.

The fact that the OP has named it the abuse as such, I believe is of tremendous help to this GF. Many people go round for years not understanding what is happening to them.

OP this must be a hugely difficult dilemma for you, what to do. She is very young and I would encourage her to speak to her parents but she may be ashamed of having gotten into this situation and without knowing the parents you don't know how they will react to finding out. She needs to be empowered with knowledge and information not disempowered by having her parents told.

There are loads of resources on the internet (Refuge, Women's Aid, Hidden Hurt and many more) that she might like to look at. Your son may find help here if he is ready http://www.respectphoneline.org.uk/phoneline.php

Hugs x

bestpud

I'd certainly want to know if it were my daughter, but I can see it's not an easy decision to make.

I can't understand those who are saying it is just an immature and emtionally charged relationship and they will get over it etc! Surely those are ideal conditions for someone getting seriously hurt and that is all the more reason to step in?

The thought of him lacking sufficient maturity or self control to prevent such incidents is very worrying indeed imo!

I agree some young adults can act irrationally and be a bit hot headed and possesive, but they don't usually threaten their partner with a knife!!

I agree he may have mental health issues, or is/has been involved in drugs. More so because this behaviour is out of character.

I find the whole situation alarming tbh and don't envy you one bit OP!

jackieglasgow

mumslave wrote: »

I dont know if i believe its mental health problems, just the first time he may be so emotionally attached to someone, and may have been allowed to get away with his bad behaviour by the gf, to the point he has got himself into a vicious circle of resorting to tantrums if he cant get his own way.
.

I'm only on page two and still need to read everything else, but I thought I'd highlight this fantastic point.

tandraig

Anyway to get to the point I got an email from my son (he is living at Uni) asking me to ring his girlfriend as he was worried she was doing something ‘stupid’ and needed to go to hospital. I rang her straight away and she said I’ve told him that I have taken an overdose but I haven’t!?!? She said I was just trying to let him know how he was making me feel. She said he doesn’t like her going out with her friends and threatens her that he will kill himself if she does and that while we were away on holiday he ‘forced’ her to come over at 2 in the morning by saying the cat was talking to him and he was scared and also talking all confused that he was looking for us even though he knew we were abroad. Then when she got there he got a knife and threated her!!!!!!! Oh my god I can’t believe I have even typed that. The police were called but she didn’t tell them what happened just that they had rowed apparently. She also told me that he had cut his wrists in the past. He has told her lies about me and his dad, completely made up attention seeking stuff. So shocking.

maybe I am wrong - but from this i deduce that OPs son rang Op as he was worried about GF. OP rang GF and got this story - she asked her son if it was true and he confirmed it was. ok - did OP ask him specifically about each incident or in general terms? you see it does make a difference - if OPs son saw this would he say it was all true, some truth or no truth?
whichever way - I worry for OPs son to be honest, remember the heartache my son went through with his first serious gf who turned out to be a stalker from hell and was lucky to escape prosecution. admit I am biased - but have seen it from another side and am very reluctant to jump to the conclusion OPs son is all at fault.