Dilemma about son and domestic abuse

mumslave

moralissue, for later tonight, what do you think of toms suggestion to sit them both down in the same room and talk this through with them? I do think that could be a really good idea, and might help you then decide if you need to involve anyone else. I did actually think of taking no action at all, when considering your post, but then I dont think you would be able to stand back, if you felt the need to seek advice on here? It would be an incredibly hard thing to do, with the more serious side of the knife being involved.

I am not suprised you are feeling the way you are, this must have been a terrible shock to you, the sooner you can sort something with this the better for all of you I think, you cant carry on feeling so low.

Oldernotwiser

moralissue wrote: »

This sounds awful but I genuinely think he hates his behaviour so he lies about things so he will get sympathy and has an 'excuse' for his behaviour rather than accepting responsibility. I don't think he self harmed (cut his wrist) in the sense of genuine self harming if that makes sense I think it was to manipulate his girlfriend or turn things to sympathy rather than him looking like the bad guy? Does that make sense?

Absolutely - it's the classic behaviour of the perpetrator of domestic violence, I'm afraid.

"You made me do it!"

Oldernotwiser

red_devil wrote: »

I totally agree life is hard enough, we all have problems without trying to sort out our sons and daughters.

I dont think there is anything you can do anyway. Whats meant to be will be.

I do so hope that you're not the parent of teenagers!

red_devil

cant you accept my opinion. Tough if you cant! Whats happens if you get involved with this one then there is another problem with the next relationship where does it end? Life is full of problems! When do you but out?

I was also agreeing with what someone else said.

Oldernotwiser

red_devil wrote: »

cant you accept my opinion. Tough if you cant! Whats happens if you get involved with this one then there is another problem with the next relationship where does it end? Life is full of problems! When do you but out?

I was also agreeing with what someone else said.

If you were talking about people a couple of years older I'd agree with you. A couple of 18 year olds who are away from home for the first time are quite a different situation.

red_devil

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

If you were talking about people a couple of years older I'd agree with you.

Its ok you dont have to agree with me.

Scoflo

I am sorry you are having this in your life.

From a professional point of view I would encourage your son to seek specialist help. Domestic abuse is not "an anger problem" and needs insight on how to make behavioural changes. It is about power and control of a person. If you are in England Respect 0845122 8609 will be pleased to help your son and will speak to you on the phone also. They will be able to point him in the direction of the help he needs. Counsellors per se may not have the knowledge to work with this isse however Relate ran a pilot around this and may have taken their learnings on board. They would work with both of then, as individuals, and hopefully get to the root of the problem. Student counselling is time limited but again they might have the specialist training or be able to point the way. Self harm etc needs looked at anyway so it won't go wrong.

His GF needs help and support to realise she doesn't need to put up withis behaviour and the safest way to deal with it. Its her decision whether she sits it out or parts and counselling around her self esteem, her assertiveness and being herself would be on the cards. Again, Relate is the place I would go however Womens Aid may have knowledge of a specialist service. (I am in Scotland so I only know here.)

As a mother I would struggle to include the couple in anything until some positive changes are made ie attending a few sessions, responsibility taken, remorse and understanding shown. That way I would feel I wasn't condoning the behaviours.

I speak as a domestic abuse counsellor & a mother whose daughter (currently) is not in the best situation.

I hope this helps and again, I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Scoflo

I would suggest that you get both your son and his girlfriend in the same room (threaten them with telling her parents THEN if that's what it takes) and make them both aware of how unhappy you are with their behaviours.

Absolutely the worst case scenario for any person in a domestic abuse situation. This is positively dangerous!

If your sons adult girlfriend chooses to not inform her parents, what gives you the right to go against her wishes and meddle to try and break up her relationship.

I agree totally.

lynzpower

moralissue wrote: »

This sounds awful but I genuinely think he hates his behaviour so he lies about things so he will get sympathy and has an 'excuse' for his behaviour rather than accepting responsibility. I don't think he self harmed (cut his wrist) in the sense of genuine self harming if that makes sense I think it was to manipulate his girlfriend or turn things to sympathy rather than him looking like the bad guy? Does that make sense?

try looking on google for "histrionic"

There are a number of things which may well apply to your sons behaviour.

Savvy_Sue

When you sit them down together I would also want to suggest in the strongest possible terms that they do NOT involve you in their manipulations of each other.

So if she rings him and says she's taken an overdose, he does NOT ring you and ask you to intervene. He rings her parents, he rings the police, but not you.

And if he rings her and says he's done something stupid, and you find out he was only saying it to get her attention, you leave / hang up.

I haven't been in this situation - if my lads have had girlfriends they certainly haven't told me so clearly they haven't been at all tempestuous or they've kept them strictly at University - but the "he said / she said" sounds like the kind of behaviour I got from them as pre-teens.

And make sure they both have contact details for the Samaritans, Nightline or whatever their university equivalent is, and Relate if they want to make this relationship work.