Dilemma about son and domestic abuse

mumslave

aww i am sorry you are so upset moralissue. Please keep in mind, he IS only 18. I think most of us can think of things we have done that we would rather we hadnt. I can certainly remember a few things I would rather not. What he is doing is not right no, but its all part of learning how to be an adult isnt it. I bet this will all come good in the end and in a while you will look back on this without feeling so upset. He, however, will probably be embarressed about it all in his later life! Ultimately if you tell the parents, you can then bow out of responsibility on the gf side, and focus soley on your son. I dont believe this is a reflection on you, or an indicater of what type of man he is growing to be. Its just one of those painful phases we all go through at that age.

Tom1234

Sorry, I completely disagree with a lot of the 'mum type' posters on here shouting 'you should tell her parents, they have a right to know'.

I've been a 18 year old bloke at a different uni to my 18 year old girlfriend not so many years ago now and it's a hard situation to be in. I imagine a lot of people on here have forgotten just how difficult it is at that age, and that level of maturity to deal with the jealousy, the heartache and the fear that your partner could well be off 'doing their own thing' with someone else. Especially when you see how a lot of the students 'in relationships' at your own uni are behaving.

Thankfully, with age, comes emotional maturity, and you learn that not everything is cause for HUGE DRAMA, and that it's possible for people to resolve differences without it being the end of the world. But until that point, a relationship as tempestuous as this, especially in the first year of uni, isn't that uncommon.

Your son clearly has some problems in dealing with how he is feeling at the moment, so does his girlfriend. You have no way of knowing what the truth is - for all you know they could both be lying to you. Either way though, it's not your place to step in and break them up (which is what you will be doing by informing her parents).

I appreciate you want to look out for your son, but how fair to your son aer you being by sticking your nose in and breaking up his relationship? You have absolutely no right to do so, and if you're honest with yourself, can you say that the motivation for telling her parents is out of concern for her safety, rather than out of a desire to see them split up? I very much doubt it.

It's only natural to want to protect your son from the hurt and emotional turmoil this relationship is causing him, but breaking them up isn't going to fix the issue.

I would suggest that you get both your son and his girlfriend in the same room (threaten them with telling her parents THEN if that's what it takes) and make them both aware of how unhappy you are with their behaviours.

You can inform them then that you understand they're both upset, and struggling to cope, but emotional blackmail is never the answer. Then you can put forward your suggestions about seeking professional help for your son, or for his girlfriend, or both together.

I would even tell them that you're upset they havent acted like adults in this, and that you cannot condone another episode of this behaviour.

If your sons adult girlfriend chooses to not inform her parents, what gives you the right to go against her wishes and meddle to try and break up her relationship. I know you're not trying to be spiteful, but think about how that will look to her and your son. What you really cannot afford to do is go steaming in like a bull in a china shop, and destroy your sons relationship, and by proxy your relationship with him.

That's really not the kind of thing an 18 year old boy 'forgives and forgets'.

mumslave

Its a bit more than emotional blackmail though tom, when a knife is involved. I dont think us 'mumsy types' would be saying go tell tales to the other parent if not. A knife is no little thing, perhaps if some parents had been involved in my early relationship at 18, I wouldnt have the scars I have now. How do you determine when an emotional threat becomes physical violence. I suppose its an individual thing, but I do know I wouldnt want it on my conscience not to have stepped in and informed her parents, should things get more serious. I do however completely agree with your ideas for dealing with it, having them both in the same room when discussing whats to be done.

Tom1234

Sorry, if I come off as a little harsh. I know people are thinking 'safety safety safety' but I don't see anything thus far to actually prove there has been any violence caused, just two attention seeking, very highly strung, emotional upset teens 'telling on' each other.

I can completely understand that when a knife is involved it changes things somewhat, but it's still not the OPs decision to report to the girlfriends parents. Its one thing being concerned for someone's safety, it's another trying to break up a relationship because you don't like it.

The Son is 18, he's essentially a man sized bag filled with hormones and emotional instability right now. Lay down the law with him, and see where that gets you before trying to break him and his girlfriend up.

mumslave

Chances are she is telling the truth however, what would she have to gain by lying, she admitted to the op she was pretending to have taken an overdose, hardly the actions of someone trying to lay all the blame at someone elses feet. I know in my experience, I would have died for his parents to have known how volatile our relationship got. I guess its how you take the situation, highly turbulent relationship are quite common at that age yes, but how many get so far as threats of suicide and knives, with police called. Just seems that little bit more than the average young adult relationship.

OP with my ex, things were fine to begin with, however 6 months in, he began having a problem with the fact I smoked. He became quite obsessed by it, then began to liimit the time i spent with friends. A year in he was completely controlling what i did either with threats or emotional blackmail, turning on the tears, threatening suicide. Three months on, he threw me across a table, I landed on a glass jug which broke hence my scars, lucky for me they were superficial compared to what could have happened, and had his hands round my throat so hard, it left marks and bruising. I had not replied to one of his many many texts that evening, when out with friends. In that time I certainly wasnt perfect, rebelled against the control and so on, but its from this perspective and the seriousness of what has been said about the rows so far, that I do think if I was in your shoes, I would be telling the other parent, even if it meant my son would hold it against me.

I think on that note, I have said enough however, and I do wish you all the best in sorting this.

Oldernotwiser

moralissue wrote: »

:

he has never been around drugs, we don't even smoke or drink very much lol

If he's a teenager he'll have been around drugs, especially now he's at university.

sleepymy

I think you should tell her parents because of the knife incident. Whether he intended to stab her or not this is an extremely aggressive and abusive thing to do. I'm sorry to say, but based on what you have written, I fear you may be looking at the start of a mental illness and need to get a professional opinion.

My brother was stabbed and very nearly died last Easter, his partner thought it was ok to shout/manipulate/throw things until it escalated into the most horrific incident.

Tom1234

I think some posters on this thread (possibly myself included in my previous post) have lost sight slightly of the fact that it's not a case of 'who's right and who's wrong' here. It's a case of what is best for the OP and her son.

Mumslave - I'm sorry to hear about your experience with domestic violence, and I can appreciate that you are concerned that similar might happen to this girl. However I think you've missed the point that the girlfriend and the son have both lied, more than once, about what's actually go on between them. At this point, all the OP has to suggest there have been threats is the word of the GF - who admitted to lying about taking an OD seconds before telling her!

Much as you may feel justified in wanting to meddle and tell the GFs parents, all that will accomplish is destroying the OPs relationship with her son.

I was in a relationship where both me and my girlfriend at university were incredibly jealous, and very possesive of each other. There was screaming, and shouting, and threats along the lines of 'I dont want to live if you're not with me' and all the other stupid teenage angst that you look back on and think 'jeesus, I was stupid' years later. Did either of us commit any violence? No. We wouldn't even dream of it, even though we both (at points) probably said something along those lines.

None of this equates to throwing someone across a table and trying to strangle them though. I am geniunely sorry to hear you had to go through that.

To the OP.

I've said my piece and I'll back off now. But as a 26 year old guy, who was in a relationship similar to that of your son and his gf 8 years ago I really feel you would be better served by sitting both our son and his gf down, giving them both a stern talking to, and seeing where that gets you. It's what I wish my parents had done when I was in that position - instead they tried to tell me I would be better off without her, which just made me angry with them as well.

It may turn out that none of this is half the problem the girlfriend has made out in her highly emotional state. After all, at the time you both spoke about it, she was upset enough to have lied to your son about taking an overdose. Thats not rational behaviour by anyones accounting.

mumslave

Tom1234 wrote: »

I think some posters on this thread (possibly myself included in my previous post) have lost sight slightly of the fact that it's not a case of 'who's right and who's wrong' here. It's a case of what is best for the OP and her son.

Mumslave - I'm sorry to hear about your experience with domestic violence, and I can appreciate that you are concerned that similar might happen to this girl. However I think you've missed the point that the girlfriend and the son have both lied, more than once, about what's actually go on between them. At this point, all the OP has to suggest there have been threats is the word of the GF - who admitted to lying about taking an OD seconds before telling her!

Much as you may feel justified in wanting to meddle and tell the GFs parents, all that will accomplish is destroying the OPs relationship with her son.

I was in a relationship where both me and my girlfriend at university were incredibly jealous, and very possesive of each other. There was screaming, and shouting, and threats along the lines of 'I dont want to live if you're not with me' and all the other stupid teenage angst that you look back on and think 'jeesus, I was stupid' years later. Did either of us commit any violence? No. We wouldn't even dream of it, even though we both (at points) probably said something along those lines.

None of this equates to throwing someone across a table and trying to strangle them though. I am geniunely sorry to hear you had to go through that, but using it as a club to browbeat the op into destroying her relationship with her son is not really the fairest tactic.

To the OP.

I've said my piece and I'll back off now. But as a 26 year old guy, who was in a relationship similar to that of your son and his gf 8 years ago I really feel you would be better served by sitting both our son and his gf down, giving them both a stern talking to, and seeing where that gets you. It's what I wish my parents had done when I was in that position - instead they tried to tell me I would be better off without her, which just made me angry with them as well.

It may turn out that none of this is half the problem the girlfriend has made out in her highly emotional state. After all, at the time you both spoke about it, she was upset enough to have lied to your son about taking an overdose. Thats not rational behaviour by anyones accounting.

My response was more in answer to your 'mum-type' comment tom, I wanted the OP to know that my original comment to tell the parents didnt stem just from a mum protecting a child, but also from my own personal experience. It seems natural we would have different opinions in this, you had a turbulent relationship that ended with no real harm done, I had one that ended with harm done. Both points are entirely relevant. I am certainly not brow beating the OP, I resent the suggestion. As for the reason i shared my highly personal story, was to show that these things CAN esculate, not that they always do. Again a reason why I would feel telling the parents should be considered. Nowhere have I told the OP what to do and entirely sympathise with her situation.

I also have not lost sight of anything here tom, my earlier posts say that she probably encourages his behaviour and so on, the reason I mentioned her unlikelyness to be lying when she admits to the OP all that she has, is because the OP will need to decide whether the knife incident truly did happen, along with asking her son.

I would say we both have valid points and ultimately I would just like to help the OP if I can, certainly not force her to do anything. I will leave it at that for a reply, as I dont think there is anything more for me to add and dont want this to turn into an arguement about brow beating, quite a below the belt comment I feel.

Tom1234

It was below the belt and I apologise. I removed it before you posted as I felt it was an unfair thing for me to say.

Edit: Guess that goes to show that not all of us gain that emotional maturity as fast as we'd like (referring to myself here)