Dilemma about son and domestic abuse

BallandChain

Has your son always lied about things or is it just since he met the g/f the lies about you and his dad have started? I really think you shouldn't tell the g/f's parents as that is her call. You would end up alienating your son if you did tell them. I wouldn't allow her to stay over and would encourage your son to go for counselling. It would be up to him if he decided to do that, as unfortunately you can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do.

Try and take a step back. I know that is going to be tough but you do have some control over the g/f staying or not as the case may be. As I was reading, it did cross my mind he might be taking drugs. As the g/f doesn't sound 'quite right' I wouldn't believe a word she says regarding that. Can you be absolutely certain he isn't taking something? I have to ask as sometimes people tell us things we only want to hear. Sorry if I'm way off beam. Has he displayed mental health problems in the past? I know there's a lot of questions but just trying to get a clearer picture.

belfastgirl23

I think you're right to be worried about this. However there is still hope that he can turn things around. To me though the key thing is to get him to a point where he acknowledges very clearly that no matter what the 'provocation' he was in the wrong. That's the classic with abusive men, that it isn't their fault. If he can face up to the fact that this is inappropriate behaviour then he should be ok longer term. Perhaps counselling etc can help with this but I think also if you get to spend time with him that should also help a bit. Does he have siblings who might also be able to 'hang out' with him and offer support? Sometimes someone your own generation can say things in better and blunter way than a parent can.

I would also caution being careful with his girlfriend. She does sound as if she is part of the problem rather than part of the solution. I'm not saying it's her fault but he needs strong role models to encourage him to solve difficult situations in a mature way. She isn't the person to do this. You could well inadvertently end up being a pawn in the game going on between them. For now I think you need to gently distance yourself from her and focus on your son.

Finally are you sure he doesn't have some form of mental health problem? I'm not saying this because I'm sure he does, rather that I think it's worth asking the question. Some of the behaviour you describe is in one way typical enough teenage behaviour, albeit carried to extremes. But illness is always a possibility and it is probably worth exploring to be on the safe side.

Good luck!

Errata

moralissue wrote: »

Completely agree but how do I get him to fully accept he needs help?

Can you put yourself in the shoes of the girl's parents? Wouldn't you want to know your daugher was being threatened with a knife? Wouldn't you want to know your daughter is being harassed by 100 phone calls, one after the other? Wouldn't you want to do whatever was necessary to protect your daughter from violence and injury?
I'm sure you would. I certainly would if my daughter was only 18 years old.
Telling her parents, and there are some pleas from those who are being wronged which can be safely ignored, may prompt action from them and result in your son understanding how serious his behaviour is.
You're in a tough situation and must be devastated, but it seems to me that what your son would benefit from is some tough love from you. Remember, over 2 women a week are killed by their partners and sometimes the tables are turned and the partner is seriously injured.
Talk to your local DV unit as a matter or urgency and ask for their help and support, both for you, your OH and most of all your son.
HTH

moralissue

BallandChain wrote: »

Has your son always lied about things or is it just since he met the g/f the lies about you and his dad have started? I really think you shouldn't tell the g/f's parents as that is her call. You would end up alienating your son if you did tell them. I wouldn't allow her to stay over and would encourage your son to go for counselling. It would be up to him if he decided to do that, as unfortunately you can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do.

Try and take a step back. I know that is going to be tough but you do have some control over the g/f staying or not as the case may be. As I was reading, it did cross my mind he might be taking drugs. As the g/f doesn't sound 'quite right' I wouldn't believe a word she says regarding that. Can you be absolutely certain he isn't taking something? I have to ask as sometimes people tell us things we only want to hear. Sorry if I'm way off beam. Has he displayed mental health problems in the past? I know there's a lot of questions but just trying to get a clearer picture.

No he didn't lie before meeting the girlfriend

I know what you mean about the drugs as it crossed my mind too but I really do think his 'drug' is his girlfriend at the moment :cool: I will keep an open mind to this though I really will.

moralissue

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I think you're right to be worried about this. However there is still hope that he can turn things around. To me though the key thing is to get him to a point where he acknowledges very clearly that no matter what the 'provocation' he was in the wrong. That's the classic with abusive men, that it isn't their fault. If he can face up to the fact that this is inappropriate behaviour then he should be ok longer term. Perhaps counselling etc can help with this but I think also if you get to spend time with him that should also help a bit. Does he have siblings who might also be able to 'hang out' with him and offer support? Sometimes someone your own generation can say things in better and blunter way than a parent can.

I would also caution being careful with his girlfriend. She does sound as if she is part of the problem rather than part of the solution. I'm not saying it's her fault but he needs strong role models to encourage him to solve difficult situations in a mature way. She isn't the person to do this. You could well inadvertently end up being a pawn in the game going on between them. For now I think you need to gently distance yourself from her and focus on your son.

Finally are you sure he doesn't have some form of mental health problem? I'm not saying this because I'm sure he does, rather that I think it's worth asking the question. Some of the behaviour you describe is in one way typical enough teenage behaviour, albeit carried to extremes. But illness is always a possibility and it is probably worth exploring to be on the safe side.

Good luck!

No siblings.

Completely agree re the girlfriend being part of the problem and encouraging and also acting out herself some of the behaviours :mad:

I really do not know about mental health problems, I lean to there not being any as this behaviour only started since he got serious with his girlfriend but I am no expert so how do I explore if it is mental health problems or is it just negative behaviour patterns/self esteem etc?

moralissue

Errata wrote: »

Can you put yourself in the shoes of the girl's parents? Wouldn't you want to know your daugher was being threatened with a knife? Wouldn't you want to know your daughter is being harassed by 100 phone calls, one after the other? Wouldn't you want to do whatever was necessary to protect your daughter from violence and injury?

Yes I would this is why I am struggling so much with this. Its a horrible position to be in. Part of me wishes I didn't know at all but then I realise that would not be the answer for it stopping

moralissue

Thank you all so much for your replies so far its so appreciated.

Please keep your opinions/suggestions coming and I appreciate the honesty. This is something I need to take a few days thinking about before I do anything rushed. Its hard as he is not here to speak to face to face, its just phone or email which are not ideal.

Errata

It's not unknown for young people when they go to uni to go a bit bonkers. I wouldn't suggest your son has a mental health problem, but his behaviour is clearly irrational at times and well outside the norm for an 18 year old.
I'm sure it's a struggle for you to know what to do about keeping all this from the GF's parents, but she's away from home and therefore more vulnerable.
I agree that it looks a bit like a folie a deux, and if that's the case it's even more important that something is done.
HTH

mumslave

This reminds me of my first serious relationship, my ex was very much the same, very possessive and emotionally abusive. He had a certain heart condition that should things not be going his way, he would pull an 'attack' to get me to do what he wanted. Similar to your son threatening to hurt himself or herself etc to get his own way. My gut instinct would be to say the relationship will come to an end very soon, but because of the severity of the rows (knife) I would personally inform the other parents and make it clear to my son that I dont think the relationship is healthy, that he should finish with her. Obviously you cant make him, but i think it needs to at least be expressed to him.

I dont know if i believe its mental health problems, just the first time he may be so emotionally attached to someone, and may have been allowed to get away with his bad behaviour by the gf, to the point he has got himself into a vicious circle of resorting to tantrums if he cant get his own way.

What ever you do, because of the knife incident, I really do think you should be telling the other parents, just because 18 is the age you become an 'adult' as such, doesnt mean you are one. I certainly wasnt.

belfastgirl23

To be honest I really don't think you should tell the GFs parents. All you'll do is add even more heat and drama to an already inflamed situation. If you thought he was seriously going to do her some harm then yes absolutely but to me this is all still attention seeking on both sides and by upping the ante you aren't actually helping. What exactly would they be able to do in any case? And if she is a volatile young woman then perhaps that's because that's how her entire family are? Personally I would steer well clear unless you really believe in your heart that he is harming her or is capable of doing so.

As for potential mental health issues I don't think this is something you can diagnose but if he goes for counselling they will presumably be looking for it. I think though overall the best thing you can do for now is to keep questioning your son rather than telling him what to do. Ask him what his solutions are? Ask him is he happy? Is this how he wants his life to be? And ask these things as genuine questions. The more you push him to do things the less he'll take responsiblity for them. He needs to be the one figuring it out. Alas an imposed solution might do as much harm as good.