Dilemma about son and domestic abuse

paddy's_mum

I've been in this sort of tell-or-don't-tell position once with one of my daughters. Her best friend's mother knew that a local oddball in their neighbourhood had become passionately fixated on my girl. The friend and her mother also knew that he carried a concealed Bowie knife in a specially adapted pair of cowboy boots that were his favourite footwear. In her wilful naivety, once the you-know-what hit the fan, the mother airily told the Police investigating the stalking of, the poison pen letters and the threats to my daughter that she was sure "he is just joking and means no harm"! (The policeman, by the way, made an appropriate but unprintable response.)

Twenty years later and I still haven't forgiven that woman for denying me the knowledge that might have saved my daughter a lot of trouble and danger and us, as her parents, a lot of worry and heartache. I cannot ever forgive her arrogance in assuming that she knew better than anyone else what was in my child's best interests.

You're in a terrible place and I don't envy you the decisions you have to make. For myself, I think I would let the other parents know rather than have something worse on my conscience in the future.

It does sound as though they are each feeding off and fuelling a very unhealthy relationship. I'd second an earlier poster's suggestion that you seek advice/support/counselling yourself. What does your hubby say about it all?

I'm so sorry about the lies that have been told about you. Injustice is a uniquely painful thing to bear, isn't it? Good luck.

Oldernotwiser

I have to say that I agree with telling the girl's parents.Can you imagine how you would feel if your son really hurt her and you had to admit that you were aware of the problem and did nothing?

You need more adult support to cope with this problem and hopefully the girl's parents will be as concerned as you obviously are.

jamesb1239

My personal advice would be to let him go his own way in life, you can only try to guide him so much at the end of the day he will make his own decisions and choose his own path. (by the way this is coming from a 22 year old)

Hope that helps, although I feel that it wont

paddy's_mum

If, as you say and your son fears, telling the girl's parents effectively puts an end to the relationship, is that necessarily a bad thing?

Sure, he'll blame you and initially be very angry but it doesn't take an Einstein let alone a smart boy like him to realise that knives, threats, police involvement etc isn't a healthy way to go on and that something here has got to change. He must also surely understand that it's entirely normal for adults to take steps to protect young people, sometimes even from themselves.

Oh dear - is it possible to get him home for a day or two so that you and Dad can have him to yourselves for some serious discussions?

I'd also add that I can't see that you have anything to feel ashamed about. It's interesting that almost all of the poor conduct has taken place behind your back in some form or another and that you have deliberately been kept in ignorance. Clearly, he didn't want you to know, which presupposes that he knows very well indeed that you would not be applauding the behaviour of either of them. Take comfort from the fact that when he needed adult input, it was you he trusted and appealed to.

Blackpool_Saver

Are there any mental health issues in the family? sounds like some mental health issue stirred up by cannabis to me.....

Savvy_Sue

Had you thought of asking the gf if she wants you to be there when she talks to her parents about it, in a kind of "you surely don't want to carry on like this, let's boost your self-confidence so you can work out what you do want to happen" kind of way.

I'm probably not putting that very well, I know. I don't know how I'd respond if I thought my lads weren't treating a gf 'right', but if I had any contact with her I'd make sure she knew it wasn't 'right'.

mikeouk

I think your in between a rock and a hard place regarding telling her parents, yes her parents have a right to know but i can see that telling them could cause a rift between you and your son and this could cause his behaviour to spiral even further out of control.
Personally I feel that the catalyst for his behaviour is low self esteem, maybe he feels his girlfriend is out of his league and panics that unless he blackmails her emotionally, he will loose her. If this is the case, and she is adamant she wants to stay with him, she needs to learn not to "push the wrong buttons", maybe she does this to provoke a reaction from him because it makes her feel more in control.
Quite alot of people have mentioned drugs, i thought maybe he is taking steriods, does he train at the gym? has his physique changed recently?

md63

Sounds like a tempestuous relationship. Wouldn't worry. When I was younger, had a couple off these relationships..guys crying (and me!) saying stupid things...people grow up and realise how silly they were. I have an 18 yr old myself and would advise accordingly..if he would get a GF in the first place! I did not mean it in that way whatsoever...I would be happy if he never got one lol:rolleyes:

mumslave

op, it doesnt HAVE to be drugs, just so you know, I know lots of people are suggesting it, but sometimes there actually isnt an excuse for jealous, threatening behaviour. Probably actually the harder thing to hear, but it can just be an unhealthy relationship where they are both bringing the worst out in each other. For the GF, she is probably flattered that your son feels so strongly about her, that he would do the things he is doing and yes she probably provokes him to some degree too, but....no matter what she is doing, its down to him to get a grip on his behaviour. I really feel he needs to get out of this relationship as soon as possible, so he has time to reflect back on it and learn from it.

moralissue

Hi all I made the fatal error of logging in at work and now I'm crying at my desk Please god don't let someone come in!

I will respond properly tonight but you have all given me fair an dhonest responses so thank you for that I really do appreciate it.

I didn't sleep much last night I kept feeling like my stomach was dropping out and when I did sleep I had nightmares.

The poster who said a friend kept information from her regarding her daugthres safety I am so sorry this happened to you, thats what set me off crying because I think I know deep down I have to tell her parents :embarasse

Another hard thing is although my son says sorry for what he has done to us as parents it really doesn't feel like he means it, he can't seem to see past himself at all.

Just to say that no there are no mental health issues in the family and no one has taken drugs, he has never been around drugs, we don't even smoke or drink very much lol

I'll post again later

Thanks again