Dilemma about son and domestic abuse

moralissue

Marcheline wrote: »

Have you ever witnessed any questionable behaviour/words from your son to the girlfriend in the past? I expect you must have done as you wouldn't have posted if you didn't think she was could be telling the truth, HOWEVER if you haven't then I would question the girlfriend's story of events. This is because she doesn't sound half right either: I mean why say she took an overdose at 18 and then admit it to you, rather than just dumping him outright on the ground he is abusive and acting mad?

Have you actually spoken to your son about any of this? I wouldn't do anything until you got his version of events first. Then if he admits his behaviour or gives you cause to think he might have acted in the manner she describes, then I would speak to him in a calm manner about seeking help in the way you have already suggested on here.

Personally, I'd be hoping they break up.

Hi I haven't witnessed the behaviour towards his girlfriend but I have seen him getting overly emotional which seemed about irrational things. I have spoken to him about everything she told me and he admitted it was true, he said he can't explain why he does it.

I agree that she does inappropriate behaviour too but I keep stressing that does not account for his threats etc.

I agree they are not healthy for each other but I do not want either of them to be able to blame me for their split, they are causing all the problems not me but they are easy to push the blame on others and not take responsibility.

jammy26

As they are both adults I don't think you should tell her parents without her consent as this may push the problem underground and she will not even have you to confide in as you have betrayed her trust. I would however contact one of the domestic violence projects and get contact details of helplines etc and give them to her so that she can seek help if she feels she needs it.

As others have said you probably have not heard the full story and she sounds quite manipulative as well by claiming overdoses that she has not taken. This does not sound a healthy relationship and I feel that if it were my son I would not be facilitating them in being together by letting her stay over etc until I was sure that they had both sought appropriate advice and made some positive changes.

Errata

You're in a really tough situation. Apart from the violence and wrist cutting,

He also rings her over and over and if she won't answer because they have fallen out he will literally ring 100 times :eek:

this alone should tell you that whatever your son says to you, he needs some serious help to get him back in touch with reality and appropriate behaviour .

Marcheline

moralissue wrote: »

I agree that she does inappropriate behaviour too but I keep stressing that does not account for his threats etc.

I agree they are not healthy for each other but I do not want either of them to be able to blame me for their split, they are causing all the problems not me but they are easy to push the blame on others and not take responsibility.

You make very good points in bold.

Your job is easier then as your son has at least admitted it. Your first point of call should be getting your son to see the uni counselling service. Has he settled in well at uni and made friends? If not, then I'd suggest getting him involved in some sort of uni society to get his mind off what the gf is up to as well. Are they at the same uni/in the same city by the way?

I would also get him involved with the domestic violence service, however I think the uni counselling service would be of more benefit in the first instance as he obviously cannot control his emotions and they should be able to offer some form of therapy to change his behaviour/natural reactions to stress etc.

Given that you don't want to be able to be blamed for them splitting up, I would not tell her parents, that is up to her as she is an adult. If you do tell them, expect them to go mental and force a break up. You will definitely be making things worse by telling them.

moralissue

jammy26 wrote: »

As others have said you probably have not heard the full story and she sounds quite manipulative as well by claiming overdoses that she has not taken. This does not sound a healthy relationship and I feel that if it were my son I would not be facilitating them in being together by letting her stay over etc until I was sure that they had both sought appropriate advice and made some positive changes.

I completely agree and she will not be able to stay anymore I cannot condone this but it then leaves me with the fact that she will now either stay with him in his halls or he will go and stay at her house as her parents are unware of what is going on

moralissue

Errata wrote: »

You're in a really tough situation. Apart from the violence and wrist cutting,



this alone should tell you that whatever your son says to you, he needs some serious help to get him back in touch with reality and appropriate behaviour .

Completely agree but how do I get him to fully accept he needs help?

moralissue

Marcheline wrote: »

You make very good points in bold.

Your job is easier then as your son has at least admitted it. Your first point of call should be getting your son to see the uni counselling service. Has he settled in well at uni and made friends? If not, then I'd suggest getting him involved in some sort of uni society to get his mind off what the gf is up to as well. Are they at the same uni/in the same city by the way?

I would also get him involved with the domestic violence service, however I think the uni counselling service would be of more benefit in the first instance as he obviously cannot control his emotions and they should be able to offer some form of therapy to change his behaviour/natural reactions to stress etc.

Given that you don't want to be able to be blamed for them splitting up, I would not tell her parents, that is up to her as she is an adult. If you do tell them, expect them to go mental and force a break up. You will definitely be making things worse by telling them.

They are at different Uni's but are only about an hours journey from each other so easy access.

He has been to see the counsellor once (an assessment I think) then he told me he has to fill in some forms and make another appointment which when speaking to him today he said he would fill the forms in tomorrow :rolleyes:

I ended up in an argument with him on the phone today and said he doesn't seem to be taking it as seriously as when i first found out the other day and he left me no alternative but to tell her parents. He was then sending me texts to say please don't tell them, it will be over if you do etc. He still thinks I am going to tell them so I have now backed myself into a corner and maybe empty threats which will not help

simpywimpy

I don't think you can unfortunately. He obviously from what you describe does need to see someone but being an adult, you can't force him to.

I agree with the other poster that the relationship would be better finishing although as you say, not at your hand.

Its a very difficult situation and you may only be able to wait and be onhand to offer him support when he asks. If however, the behaviour again gets out of hand such as the use of weapons, then you need to act on that and threaten to call the Police yourself. If he's in a vulnerable position and she pushes him emotionally, you never know...

A separate counselling for yourself would be a good support and impartial too without putting a strain on your own relationship as sometimes, these things can do.

Good luck with it

simpywimpy

Empty threats won't help. Perhaps say you've calmed down and won't tell her parents on condition that he fills those forms and makes a further appointment that he keeps to.

moralissue

Just to add that I feel too sad and hurt to repeat the lies he has told about me and his dad. I truly believe these lies are to get attention and sympathy from who ever he lies to or to make him sound more interesting....oh I really don't know but it hurts as much as its worrying/baffling