Dilemma about son and domestic abuse

moralissue

Edited as this issue was resolved along time ago now and I wouldn't want my son reading it in future and it upsetting him. Thank you for all the advice.

esmf73

Wow - you have a lot to deal with. Yes he is 18, but if he were my son then I don't think I could live with myself if in the future something happened.....

I hope that he goes to see the Domestic Violence team,counsellor and if necessary the Doctor. I think that if you do tell the parents (and yes I probably would want to know) then you have to be prepared for a huge backlash of emotion against your family.

Unfortunately I think this is inevitable. Of course, it could be that both of them are making parts of this up and that it isn't as bad as she is painting it. Has your son got any scars from when he's tried to self harm?

Perhaps you should also seek advice / counselling as this is something that is huge and I'd want as much help as I could get.

Best of luck - and well done for speaking about this - it takes a lot of courage.
xx

tandraig

no you cant stay out - his girlfriend has confided in you which involves you. for now i would say - stay calm if you can. have a nights sleep then discuss with your son his feelings (not reasons). for now i wouldnt involve girlfriends parents - it is up to her if she wants them involved. your son has issues here which you obviously dont know about. I would endorse the student counselling but be aware - the uni wont tell you anything and its up to your son if he tells you anything. i wouldnt involve doctor either. not yet. the domestic violence team i am not sure what you mean? this uni based? need more info here

moralissue

esmf73

Thank you for your post. I don't think I need to seek counselling as I have good support from my husband but maybe it would be good for me to speak to professionals in terms of advice of things I can do to help as I am afraid he might continue this pattern of behaviour either in this realtionship or future ones.

moralissue

tandraig wrote: »

no you cant stay out - his girlfriend has confided in you which involves you. for now i would say - stay calm if you can. have a nights sleep then discuss with your son his feelings (not reasons). for now i wouldnt involve girlfriends parents - it is up to her if she wants them involved. your son has issues here which you obviously dont know about. I would endorse the student counselling but be aware - the uni wont tell you anything and its up to your son if he tells you anything. i wouldnt involve doctor either. not yet. the domestic violence team i am not sure what you mean? this uni based? need more info here

Hi, I know the counsellor can't tell me anything and that is fine I just want him to attend but not just because I am 'making' him as I know that will not prove fruitful if that is the only reason he attends.

The domestic voilence team I mean a local one to where we live just for advice to help him nip this kind of manipulative/lying/threatening behaviour rather than it esculate? I could be grasping at straws here as maybe they only help the victim.

I don't condone his girlfriends behaviour sometimes as in the emotional balckmail I know she also does but it is not for me to sort this although I do try to talk to her a little, subtly.

Marcheline

Do you know if he uses drugs at all? Sounds like it could be a possibility to me.

moralissue

I just wanted to add at this point that the incident where he said the cat was talking I don't believe for one minute. He was (in my opinion) just lying to manipulate and get what he wanted and that was for her to come over to his house right then to sort out what ever issue was going on that night either maybe over the phone or via the net.

He also rings her over and over and if she won't answer because they have fallen out he will literally ring 100 times :eek:

She also does things when she they have fallen out and she wants to see him says things like I am having a panic attack or come now and I will pay for the taxi in the middle of the night etc, deperate immature behaviour from boths sides. Again though I am not suggesting she drives him to it at all he is responsible for his own actions but I do not think he knows how to deal with her emotions at all, he can't handle it.

moralissue

Marcheline wrote: »

Do you know if he uses drugs at all? Sounds like it could be a possibility to me.

Hi I thought someone might think this and thats understandable.

I have to open minded but I seriously 99% do not think so. When his girlfriend was 'grassing' on him the other night I asked her if he might take drugs sometimes and she was absolutely adamant no way.

He does not have any spare money at all and when he was doing this behaviour he was living at home and was showing us no unusual signs at all other than emotionally if they fell out :rolleyes: When things were going ok with them he was acting completely normal, no change in mood, physically or appetite or erratic behaviour. Just relationship highs and lows that I didn't realise were getting so so bad

jammy26

How old is his girlfriend, this would affect whether I would tell her parents or not. I would whatever her age encourage her to seek support either from her parents or a local dv unit

moralissue

jammy26 wrote: »

How old is his girlfriend, this would affect whether I would tell her parents or not. I would whatever her age encourage her to seek support either from her parents or a local dv unit

His girlfiend is 18.

I have asked her to talk to someone she just said 'mmm' plus they now seem to be 'back to normal' and when I spoke to my son on the phone today he was quite impatient with me as if he was trying to make me think he knows he has done wrong but just 'drop it now' its done and I've learnt from my mistakes :rolleyes:

His girlfriend does not want me to tell her parents and of course my son doesn't as he thinks their relationship will then be ruined.

Marcheline

Have you ever witnessed any questionable behaviour/words from your son to the girlfriend in the past? I expect you must have done as you wouldn't have posted if you didn't think she was could be telling the truth, HOWEVER if you haven't then I would question the girlfriend's story of events. This is because she doesn't sound half right either: I mean why say she took an overdose at 18 and then admit it to you, rather than just dumping him outright on the ground he is abusive and acting mad?

Have you actually spoken to your son about any of this? I wouldn't do anything until you got his version of events first. Then if he admits his behaviour or gives you cause to think he might have acted in the manner she describes, then I would speak to him in a calm manner about seeking help in the way you have already suggested on here.

Personally, I'd be hoping they break up.