Dilemma about son and domestic abuse

mumslave

Thank you, I appreciate that. Now I am going to go try to win a free holiday somewhere nice and hot, I will check back to see how things have gone OP, I hope all ends as well as it can do for a first serious relationship

sleepymy

It's a case of what is best for the OP and her son.

Not to be pedantic Tom but it isn't, it's what's best for his girlfriend. She is clearly being abused if he is threatening her with knives and the phone calls amount to stalking (yes, you can stalk your own girlfriend). While I appreciate that a lot of it can be down to teen anxiety, the darker elements could be down to something far more dangerous.

Putting up with this type of controlling behaviour will effect the girls mental health and could interfere with her University life & work. At the very least he's treating her like sh*t (even if it isn't all the time), at the worst he poses a risk to her physical safety.

Tom1234

However, at the moment the OP only has the word of a young girl in an emotional state to base her concerns on. Neither the son, nor the GF have sat down with the mother and discussed this when calm. It's quite unlikely he's calling her 'hundreds' of times - even serious stalkers aren't pushing that number of calls. Its more likely that he's got upset, called 5 or 6 times, and the girlfriend in her also upset state has decided this is 'hundreds' when telling someone else about it.

Even if the OP completely disagrees with me on the course of action to take (and I'd not be offended by that - different floats for different boats ) I think it would be a very wise move to ensure that you're in full possesion of the complete truth before taking it any further.

Errata

I think all parents would be stunned and shocked to find themselves in this situation; fortunately it's not common but that makes it very difficult for a parent to know what they should do.
As ONW has pointed out, drug use at university is very common and also common amongst teenagers. The odd spliff smoked would never be noticed by a parent.

OP it may be that the GF has opened up to you because she feels helpless and hopes that you will do something about it, which may include telling her parents even though she says she doesn't want you to. Only you can decide on that one, but if it destroys the relationship that may not be a bad thing at this point.

The state of your son's mental health has been raised. Clearly he is not enjoying good mental health as he has threatened suicide and also cut his wrists and behaved irrationally with his phone use.

I get the sense that just now you feel you can't trust him or believe what he says. You may well be right, and if you are then you have to be hard hearted and do what is right in the short and in the long term for your son, his GF, yourself and your OH and her parents. That's a heavy burden; I hope that you have the full emotional and practical support of your OH.

Oldernotwiser

Tom1234 wrote: »

It's quite unlikely he's calling her 'hundreds' of times - even serious stalkers aren't pushing that number of calls. Its more likely that he's got upset, called 5 or 6 times, and the girlfriend in her also upset state has decided this is 'hundreds' when telling someone else about it.
.

You seem to have missed the point that it was the OP herself who said "He also rings her over and over and if she won't answer because they have fallen out he will literally ring 100 times ". This isn't what the GF said (she wouldn't know if she doesn't answer), this is what the OP has witnessed!

moralissue

Hi everyone, I cannot reply fully as I am at work so will reply individually tonight.

Tom firstly thank you for your input its good to hear that side of things too. Secondly just so you are aware my son has admitted everything his girlfriend told me, I knew about the calls as they were on my bill and I read him the riot act and made him pay the bill. So I do know its true. Thirdly I am definately not trying to split them up that has to come from them I am just thinking safety and moral issues here. I am not being defensive just wanted you to know the facts.

I may even print this thread out and show it to my son?

Still feeling sick and emotional, my stomach is churning and I am finding it hard to concentrate. This is very unlike me as I am usually the one who can cope with anything and looks on the positive side of things, people are used to me being strong but I feel I am cracking abit and feeling really down.

Thanks again everyone I will reply tonight.

moralissue

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

If he's a teenager he'll have been around drugs, especially now he's at university.

Yes you are right sorry I just meant in the home and extended family enviroment.

moralissue

This sounds awful but I genuinely think he hates his behaviour so he lies about things so he will get sympathy and has an 'excuse' for his behaviour rather than accepting responsibility. I don't think he self harmed (cut his wrist) in the sense of genuine self harming if that makes sense I think it was to manipulate his girlfriend or turn things to sympathy rather than him looking like the bad guy? Does that make sense?

moralissue

Just so you know my decision so far is to sit them both down together with me and his dad and then make my decision after that whether to tell her parents. I need to think about how we can organise this happening soon.

red_devil

jamesb1239 wrote: »

My personal advice would be to let him go his own way in life, you can only try to guide him so much at the end of the day he will make his own decisions and choose his own path. (by the way this is coming from a 22 year old)

Hope that helps, although I feel that it wont

I totally agree life is hard enough, we all have problems without trying to sort out our sons and daughters.

I dont think there is anything you can do anyway. Whats meant to be will be.