Dilemma about son and domestic abuse

tandraig

moralissue? heard anything yet? yes myrubyred i can imagine what she is going through. am worried about her son but also moralissue - she is trying so hard to do whats right!

fudgecat

This is not to belittle the obvious concerns you have over both young people, but just bringing a thought to the thread.
I was a mature student 9 years ago at Uni and I am the mother of two girls, one 18 and one 24 (bit of background).
I wonder if both individuals are high on the drama of a first serious relationship? I wonder if their circle of friends get blow by blow accounts of each new bust up, reconciliation and dramatic threat? Certainly Facebook encourages this kind of behaviour.
This may be totally unjust, but I saw a lot of this at Uni from emotionally immature individuals. It was always another crisis and someone crying in the loos at cluns and the Uni bar.
Final thought - I wonder what the girlsfriend`s past relationship track record is? Ex boyfriends might recognise the situation...
Sorry if all this sounds unsympathetic, but one of mine is a bit of a drama queeen!

sp1987

Can you contact the uni and find out if he has been in to his lectures/at his halls if applicable? I cannot believe he is being so selfish as to not even give mum a little ring to let her know he is alright.

The pair of them seem to be driving each other slowly mad, whoever started it. They both seem to be fuelled by the drama of it all. Maybe the fact he had a steady upbringing with mum and dad makes him more ''needy'' of this type of drama? Is he making up stories because he does not have any stories (ie lies about parents)?! I would certainly take him to the doctors when he gets back and have him forwarded to a counsellor if only to check there is nothing wrong with his mental health that can be improved by treatment.

They both just sound mad and coming from a parent who seems rational and intelligent there must be something strange going on with the two kids.

Savvy_Sue

sp1987 wrote: »

Can you contact the uni and find out if he has been in to his lectures/at his halls if applicable? I cannot believe he is being so selfish as to not even give mum a little ring to let her know he is alright.

In general, universities won't do this, because it would be a breach of confidentiality. All they can do is leave a message via his Halls and Tutor asking him to phone home. The OP can say WHY she is so concerned, and the Resident Tutor / course Tutor may then make some enquiries, but they can't pass on information unless the son says it is OK to do so and for some reason can't make the call himself.

MyRubyRed

moralissue as per tandraig's post we are all concerned for you. If you can can you post??
xxx

tandraig

i hope the silence from moralissue isnt because of something awful. please hun - we are concerned. if you are online please let us know you are ok? would be really pleased if it silence was because everything ok.

Mollymop5

Moralissue did post on another thread yesterday and has been online today.Maybe just isn't ready to post on here yet.wishing everyone concerned well.

jha

Moralissue - sending you a <<big hug>> as i see you have been online today. Update us when you feel ready - and untill then just know we are thinking about you and hope you and your son are ok :grouphug:

MyRubyRed

Has anyone heard from OP on this???

moralissue

Hi everyone

I am really sorry its taken me so long to update you all after you have all been so thoughtful and helpful.

I've been able to spend some time with him this week and its a mixed bag really. When I talk to him he really seems to get it and understand that none of this is acceptable. I have told him that I absolutely do not agree with his behaviour but I have also said that now I know more details about GF's problems I also think he has had a lot to cope with alone.

I have been trying to slowly chip away and talk sense into him.

I have not contacted his GF at all since I read the emails he forwarded to me. I have told him that although I have been good to her in the past after what I have found out about how she is mentally torturing my son she is no longer welcome in my home. He seemed to calmly accept this which surprised me.

He is still seeing her, I think he thinks if he is strong and sorts his emotions out then he can 'save/help' her. Obviously I cannot force him to stop seeing her but I am hoping they will fizzle out, although I think that will take a long time because of the level of feelings.

There is still alot of jealousy from her going on as I could hear them on the phone the other night and he was promising her that he won't go out at uni and her threatening to go out every night if he does??!!

Anyway the upshot is, they are not likely to split up over night but after spending alot of time with him I do feel much calmer than I did. He is still waiting for an appointment from the counsellor and he showed me his student email to prove this.

He also told me that she has told her parents what has been going on (not sure what version) so he has not been to her house since then. Not exactly an easy relationship now neither of them can go to each others house!

So as you can probably gather I have not said anything to her parents. I promise though that I have no patience/nerve to hold on to anymore information or give them any more chances so if one more thing happens then we are 100% going to see her parents and will get 100% involved.

I am sorry to those of you who think I am wrong for not telling her parents so far but from the sounds of it they also know things that I didn't previously and also chose not to tell us ( I am not doing tit for tat) so they probably feel in the same awful position that we have felt.

Thanks again for all your help on this thread. I am sure I will be back at some point asking more advice. I'm sorry if I have not answered everything as I have not had time to back over everything to jog my memory so please ask if things don't make sense.