Dilemma about son and domestic abuse

moralissue

Hi everyone, thank you for all your replies again. I am sorry I am only just replying, I have just not been able to face it really.

So just to keep you updated I have spoken to my son a couple of times on the phone and the first call was a bit heated and he got a bit nasty, ie it wasn't stuff he wanted to hear so was telling me to leave it etc..

The second call was more calm, he apologised and I said 'for now' I wasn't going to tell her parents but that I was in a horrible position and that if I wasn't going to tell the parents then I needed to know he was taking responsibility and getting some help. He has filled the forms in the assessment counsellor gave him and now he is waiting for an appointment. I also told him I was seeking advice from a professional organisation about domestic violence and he said ok. I also said I want to speak to them together face to face.

I spoke to his girlfriend again (who was visiting my son at his uni!!) and clearly told her that the only thing she is doing wrong is accepting this behaviour so if anything at all happens again she needs to call it a day even if that hurts, she agreed but obviously I am aware that could have been to passify me.

I will now reply to some of your individual posts to give more information.

moralissue

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

If you were talking about people a couple of years older I'd agree with you. A couple of 18 year olds who are away from home for the first time are quite a different situation.

This is how I feel. I think just turned 18 and living away from home is too soon for me to say you're an adult now I don't need the hassle so just get on with it, I feel I still have a duty to help and it was both of them that brought me into this I didn't go prying.

moralissue

scottishflower2000 wrote: »

I am sorry you are having this in your life.

From a professional point of view I would encourage your son to seek specialist help. Domestic abuse is not "an anger problem" and needs insight on how to make behavioural changes. It is about power and control of a person. If you are in England Respect 0845122 8609 will be pleased to help your son and will speak to you on the phone also. They will be able to point him in the direction of the help he needs. Counsellors per se may not have the knowledge to work with this isse however Relate ran a pilot around this and may have taken their learnings on board. They would work with both of then, as individuals, and hopefully get to the root of the problem. Student counselling is time limited but again they might have the specialist training or be able to point the way. Self harm etc needs looked at anyway so it won't go wrong.

His GF needs help and support to realise she doesn't need to put up withis behaviour and the safest way to deal with it. Its her decision whether she sits it out or parts and counselling around her self esteem, her assertiveness and being herself would be on the cards. Again, Relate is the place I would go however Womens Aid may have knowledge of a specialist service. (I am in Scotland so I only know here.)

As a mother I would struggle to include the couple in anything until some positive changes are made ie attending a few sessions, responsibility taken, remorse and understanding shown. That way I would feel I wasn't condoning the behaviours.

I speak as a domestic abuse counsellor & a mother whose daughter (currently) is not in the best situation.

I hope this helps and again, I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

I emailed REspect 2 days ago but have had no response yet and I also telephoned Domestic Violence Team in my area and it kept going to answerphone so I left a message asking if they could ring me back as I needed some advice and they didn't ring me back! Good job I am not a woman who is in a serious/urgent situation

moralissue

lynzpower wrote: »

try looking on google for "histrionic"

There are a number of things which may well apply to your sons behaviour.

I did google this but it didn't ring any bells with the majority of his behaviour.

moralissue

tandraig wrote: »

I am not sure this thread is helping the OP its so polarised! I stand by my original post - I wouldnt tell his girlfriends parents. mainly because i think the GF was manipulating the OP! most of you have come down hard on OPs son. but look at it from another point of view please. OPs son was basically normal and no trouble - now he has met this girl - and she has him acting out of character harming himself and threatening her. and she goes crying to his mum? not HER mum - HIS. i smell a b1tch here! and before you shoot at me - I knew a girl once who was extremely proud of the fact she drove a guy to suicide over her!
it sounds to me as if OPs son needs protecting from her! if he texts her why doesnt she reply? most of the teens i know spend their lives texting? sounds to me like she drives him to distraction.
I know I am not going to be popular with this post...but i am being honest....this is what i think is happening. this girl is playing mind games with OPs son!!!

Hi, just to clarify, I rang his girlfriend she didn't ring me. I rang her as my son asked me to because he thought she had done something 'stupid'.

In the early days of their relaationship I know he displayed none of this awful behaviour he is doing now (they have both told me that) but even in the early days I know he struggeld with her emotions ie she wanted him to be with her all the time if they were out with friends he had to hold her hand or cuddle her constantly but he didn't want to tell her he found this too much as he didn't want to upset her. SO this was one of the lies he told about me he blamed me by telling her I said she was too clingy rather than admitting this was how HE felt. So she does get very emotional and demanding in some ways BUT still its my sons responsibility to handle that corrrectly.

moralissue

mumslave wrote: »

She never went crying to the OP, the son spoke to the OP saying he was concerned about the GF, and the OP phoned the GF. Why might she not have text him? because he texts her constantly. That just gets annoying, especially if its to find out what her every move is. Even if she was playing mind games, which I am sure she is, as much as he is too, it takes two to tango, there is nothing to justify the use of a knife to threaten someone.

hi mumslave thank you for all your posts, they are very considered, you have read my info correctly and they are very kind :A

moralissue

jinky67 wrote: »

I think they both just sound terribly emotionally immature, and as others have said, are winding each other up

Have either of them been in a serious relationship before?

Yes I agree with the emotional immaturity. This is the first serious relationship for both of them.

moralissue

tandraig wrote: »

she claims he is the liar!
it worries me that everyone assumes this girl is telling the truth! if she is then yes she is in trouble. but why doesnt she go to HER parents or break off with him?
I think the OPs son is the one in trouble here

I have asked my son about this and he has agreed that his behaviour is not right. I asked him why he did the knife incident and he just says 'I don't know I can't explain it but of course I know its wrong what do you take me for!' type of thing.

She told me as he asked me to ring her and I did. She hasn't told her parents as I assume she is scared it will interfere with her carrying on seeing him. Plus she is not close to her mum.

moralissue

alenax wrote: »

He's already ruined it himself. That is a completely unacceptable way to act. Sorry if that wasn't very helpful but it just made me angry reading it. You're right to get involved in it - if he doesn't learn that emotional blackmail and abuse isn't the way towards a happy relationship now, then he may never do so and be in for a lifetime of misery.

I completely agree

moralissue

mumslave wrote: »

well no it means she knows phone calls were made, not what was said during those phonecalls. I think tom has a point, in that we actually dont know which parts he has confirmed, all of it, some of it, why he did it...however i respect the fact the OP may not wish to share any further.

The calls, from what I can see on the bill, were either answered and the phone put down or the answerohone may have kept kicking in, as each call only last for a very short time. Now I know about the knife incident I suspect the 120 calls were the day after this incident

He can't deny the calls as I have the evidence, he has admitted the knife, and admitted the pushing.