Dilemma about son and domestic abuse

mumslave

eeek well what ever it is, I hope you can all manage to iron things out. If you do believe she is in any danger, I would still personally tell her parents, you cant take responsibility for her as well as your son

moralissue

jinky67 wrote: »

She is playing him for a fool, he needs to call her bluff and not come home to see her

He says he thinks they have to split up but he doesn't want to and says 'but I want to help her'. He says that he has known about this stuff for ages but has done nothing and says that he thinks her parents know but have done nothing he said 'they are not like you'. He is still begging me not to tell her parents but I don't see how I can't really I've told him I understand he wants to help but he is actually making her worse and that he has to be cruel to be kind, he is not qualified or strong enough clearly to deal with this on his own :eek:

Bennifred

Hi moralissue, I have been following this thread with interest (as a mother of sons of similar age - one of whom was involved for quite a long time with a girl whose own issues almost took him down with her:mad:).
Would it be possible for you to speak to one of her parents without actually going into all the details? You could perhaps say that you are concerned for her state of mind and wanted them to be aware that there may be issues (also it is unfair that your son is coping alone with whatever the issues are). I don't think you should be carrying this load alone. Also, you know your son but you don't really know the girl - she sounds fairly insecure and manipulative to me. I also suggest that you accompany your son to any meeting with her now, so you can form your own opinion about what is actually going on.

Good luck.

moralissue

Just to let you know I have not gone to pick him up.

My first instinct was to rush and get him but that would just mean he would want me to drop him straight at her house tonight and I can't see what good that would do. So i asked him what his intentions were if he came back tonight and that lead to us agreeing tonight may not be the best idea to come rushing to her.

He says that its over and she has blocked him on facebook etc and that he feels ok at the moment and is happy to stay there tonight.

I doubt its over for good so I am sure there is much more to come!

I will talk and think it over tonight and decide what to do from there :rolleyes::mad:

Liquorice_Twirls

You know Moralissue, the more I hear about the calls to you and the panic your son's getting you in the more it seems he is trying to control you too.

This isn't doing you any more good than the two young people in this relationship and I wonder whether it would do you some good to step back. Once you have the information from the Domestic Abuse organisation you're trying to contact maybe you should just pass it on and step back.

I understand that as a mum you might want to help him but I feel concerned about the effect its having on you, sounds very stressful. Perhaps he needs to learn to start to become a man by taking responsibility for himself at least some of the time.

tandraig

I don’t think you post too much moralissue – I prefer that to the people who post a new thread asking for help then don’t bother updating or replying or thanking people!
I am very sorry for the trouble you are in right now with son and GF and completely understand you were worried for this girls safety - things definitely could have turned to grief there.
But: from some of the subsequent posts I can see a pattern of behaviour from this girl very similar to that of my sons exGF. Even after the first couple of weeks my OH and i took to calling her ‘the princess’ she had him jumping through hoops for her.
I don’t want to get into too much detail – but my son ended up going to the police as her behaviour became impossible and he wanted to end the relationship. She would text him endlessly and also phone me on my landline – she told me lies about my son – which i didn’t believe anyway – the last straw was when she got a group of her friends to text him and he had to get another phone. He went to the police and they warned her. He told her it was over full stop. She followed him everywhere he went – and when he started a new relationship with his now partner she went totally nuts and attacked his partner in the street. Unfortunately for her she was the one who got decked and she went to the police......but her friends didn’t back up her story and the police believed my sons partner.
No – this wasn’t when she nearly got prosecuted. My son and his partner moved to another village and all was quiet for a couple of years – then they relocated back here and (unknown to them) moved into a house a few doors down from the princess’ best friend! Then the phone calls etc started back up. I was constantly phoned all day and even at 2.00 am by her and her friends just shouting abuse or giggling down the phone- so was my son on his landline (he quickly changed numbers but i couldn’t do that). She attacked my sons partner again and this was when she was almost prosecuted – the problem being there were no witnesses this time.
Thankfully – she has ensnared a guy and all is quiet for the last couple of years – but at the back of my mind i am always afraid something will set her off again – she made our lives miserable for nearly three years over a very short (6 weeks) relationship.
So you see – I am not so keen on jumping to the conclusion that your son is the bad guy here. People can be driven to acts totally out of character – my son was!
Please keep updating us – your son was on my mind today and all this cannot be doing his studying any good at all. And he is a couple of years younger than my son was! I feel for him and you as his mother trying to do the right thing by everyone.

Primrose

What a horrible dilemma for any parent to find themself in. I don't think you can walk away. Your son does seem to be emotionally unbalanced at the moment and you are right to insist that he seeks some counselling as although he is 18 and legally deemed to be an adult, he is obviously not sufficiently mature to handle this level of emotion. I wonder too whether he is perhaps feeling out of his depth at university and not as secure as you originally suspected and whether there is any remote possibility that he is perhaps undiagnosed as an Aspergers syndrome sufferer if he is suddenly starting to display symptoms not previously shown. And yes, I do think you should tell your son's girlfriend's parents about this. The knife incident was obviously a terrifying event for her and if such an event happens again she needs to know her parents can give her some emotional support if necessary. She is not an emotionally mature adult either, even if she is over the legal age, and is probably feeling totally out of her depth in knowing how to deal with this situation. Perhaps your son needs a short break away from his university environment too as he's obviously not managing to keep all his balls in the air there. You sound a very level headed sensible person and this dilemma must be agonisingly difficult for you. But as you have recognised, it does have the potential to become even more serious an issue than it already is if the situation becomes more highly charged, so I think you are right to insist that you son has immediate counselling or psychiatric treament. Threatening anybody with a knife is an offence punishable by imprisonment. I think you need to consider all the "what ifs" if a future incident got out of hand and try to ensure that you have done all you can to get him some suitable treament, however much he may rail at you for doing so. To prevent something happening, however painful it may be to him now is far better than a possible future nightmare of having to attend an inquest and wishing with hindsight you had taken some action.

MyRubyRed

This is a really unhealthy relationship on both sides. They are both very young but both appear to be drawing adreneline from the situation . They seriously need time apart.
Many many years ago I was in a similar situation (as a girlfriend.) We were a couple from the age of 16 through to 23. The relationship/drama spiralled downward (late night calls/visits/fights, stupid talk each to wind the other up etc etc etc) but eventually I ended up in hospital seriously hurt after my boyfriend, at that stage fiance, hit me .......hard. My parents never knew the the extent of the abuse. I lied through my back teeth about it all , even to the point of giving a them total bullshiit as to how I ended up in hospital. I eventaully woke up to the fact that the situation could not continue. I'm 52 now and happily married with 2 wonderful children to a different man I hasten to say.
If your son won't grow up then his girlfriend needs to.
Involving you is wrong, and in part it absolves them from dealing head on with the downward spiral they are BOTH in.
If you are certain that neither of them are involved in any drugs abuse (different scenario) then I'd suggest you tell them BOTH together that if they don't start behaving like adults you are going to call her parents and tell them what is going on and let girlfriends parents talk to her.
Re your son perhaps you need to get his dad to speak to him too?
Sorry if Ive rambled. Thinking of you xxx

moralissue

Thank you all for your replies again.

The situation is no further on as the last I heard from him was very late Friday night saying that he had told GF that he had told me so it was probably over for good now but that he really loved her and he wanted to sort himself out and then help her.

I've not heard from him since! I can't ring him as his mobile is broke so we are relying on emails. I have emailed him a few times to say that I am worried and that I think he is being selfish only emailing me when he wants my help etc but no response so far.

I know teenagers are selfish like that and in ordinary circumstances I would have to accept the no contact however with what has come to light over the last week and a half and all the time I have spent on the phone to GF trying to help her see what this behaviour is etc plus all the emails to and from son. Then also ringing Domestic Violence and emailing Respect. I at the very least deserve regular contact

moralissue

I still haven't heard from Domestic Violence but Respect have emailed me back today saying that there is nothing in our area that they can offer other than saying to ask my son to ring them for supprt, which I will try.