Dilemma about son and domestic abuse

moralissue

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I think we're all interpreting the knife thing differently. In my mind he was waving it around in a vaguely threatening manner. Which is a lot different than holding someone against a wall with a knife to their throat. OP do you know any more about the incident?

I don't know the exact details because as soon as I heard the word knife I think I was just too horrified to get the finer details but I do think its important that I do. I will wait now til I see him face to face though to ask him as I think I need to see his reaction on person too.

moralissue

squirrelchops wrote: »

I haven't read all of the posts so am sorry if this has already been said.....

What actually struck me in the OPs first post was the bit about her son saying to the Gf ...'can you come over at 2am because the cat is talking to me'.....or words to that effect.

That combined with the erratic behaviour, his age, being male would suggest to me some kind of possible mental illness.

I therefore see the threats and violence as possible linked to this with a mental illness the underlying issue that then causes him to behave in the way he is towards his girlfriend.

Young people with schizophrenia can become very confused and hostile towards peopel they are in a relaionship with for example. Also this young man is at the prime age for developing this kind of disorder.

I completely understand you thinking this however I truly believe in this case it is nothing to do with mental illness as he can behave completely rational all the rest of the time, he has no issues with us (apart from usual arguments) he is fine with friends. All this behaviour is within the relationship.

mumslave

Hi moralissue, great that you are taking the time to reply to everyone, it must be hard. I dont have any more advice for you, save to say i think speaking to the professionals about this, is a very good idea. He is aware he has done wrong, but he isnt aware of why he does it, a total loss of control it sounds like to me, which anyone would know is a receipe for disaster. I hope you will get given some sound advice to help your son get his emotions into check

moralissue

Oh sorry I have just realised I'm making too many posts so I will stop there for now.

I hope I have answered everyones questions. Those that I have not quoted I have only not done so as I think I have answered within the other posts but thank you so much for all the replies.

I just wanted to add here that although I am mortified, upset etc etc at the moment about my sons behaviour I truly believe deep down that he will sort this out with the right help and input. I believe in him and I know he is better than this and is a good person really he is just (for want of a better word) struggling how to get a voice to express himself and his needs appropriately.

Please don't think by saying that that I am trivialising his behaviour because I am not but I am also not writing him off as no good, I truly hope this makes hima stronger better person eventually.

jinky67

moralissue wrote: »

Hi, just to clarify, I rang his girlfriend she didn't ring me. I rang her as my son asked me to because he thought she had done something 'stupid'.

In the early days of their relaationship I know he displayed none of this awful behaviour he is doing now (they have both told me that) but even in the early days I know he struggeld with her emotions ie she wanted him to be with her all the time if they were out with friends he had to hold her hand or cuddle her constantly but he didn't want to tell her he found this too much as he didn't want to upset her. SO this was one of the lies he told about me he blamed me by telling her I said she was too clingy rather than admitting this was how HE felt. So she does get very emotional and demanding in some ways BUT still its my sons responsibility to handle that corrrectly.

she is obviously very insecure and jealous, you should be telling HIM to end it I think, I know it doesn't excuse his behaviour in any way at all, but SHE has issues too

mumslave

It sounds to me like, he is now mimicing her behaviour at the start. She was the insecure jealous one, then for whatever reason that behaviour may have stopped...making him feel insecure and jealous, copying her behaviour. They do sound as bad as each other, save the knife and pushing around, which is far more serious obviously.

moralissue

Oh my god this has taken a serious turn. My son has just emailed me to say please can I come home tonight, quite a desperate email, basically saying GF is upset he needs to get to her.

My response was 'why so desperate, she only left you yesterday, this is the kind of thing that shows me how you are not handling things'. He said if I tell you something will you promise not to tell girlfriend. I did promise but was think oh god more attention seeking/lying.

THEN he has copied and pasted messages they have been sending each other all afternoon....and she sounds like SHE is having some kind of break down or something, begging and pleading him to come home, saying she loves him but that someone else who loves her is looking for her and she loves him too and he will be jealous etc etc very hard to understand/follow but the jist is not good.

So I am going to get him tonight, I have just apologised to him and said dthat although I don't condone his behaviour I am sorry he has had to deal with this alone and I have asked him to be the strongest most mature he has ever been because this is serious and he has to be calm and rational now while we decide what to do.

Oh god more problems.... I know he will beg me not to tell her parents BUT how on earth can I stand by now...I hate being so trapped and in the middle...

Thanks again everyone I will let you know what happens.

mumslave

so thats the reason her behaviour has stopped (the jealousy to begin with), she has someone else interested. I think he needs to move on and she needs to leave him alone. She clearly doesnt have a clue what she wants. Or have i read it wrong and she loves your son, but someone else like an ex is after her, and will be jealous she is with your son? Confused.com

jinky67

She is playing him for a fool, he needs to call her bluff and not come home to see her

moralissue

mumslave wrote: »

so thats the reason her behaviour has stopped (the jealousy to begin with), she has someone else interested. I think he needs to move on and she needs to leave him alone. She clearly doesnt have a clue what she wants. Or have i read it wrong and she loves your son, but someone else like an ex is after her, and will be jealous she is with your son? Confused.com

From trying to make sense of the email I don't think she has someone else. It sounds like some fictional character (hard to explain) or someone older who has done something to her when she was younger ie it says he must love me or else why would he have done those things Its hard to explain but it doesn't sound like an email to make him jealous she sounds disturbed by something.