I just do not know what to do

shellsuit

Tina, he's being nice because you are accommodating him.

He's told you he wants another woman, so why hasn't he gone to her? That's a serious question by the way.

If he is so sure he doesn't want you but wants her, then what's stopping him?

Is he waiting for something in particular and keeping you sweet in the meantime?

There's no way I'd have him under the same roof as me.

larmy16

tinatony1 wrote: »

Well we had another talk last night and this morning and to be honest i am still not sure what is happening, i am getting the feeling from him that he may be having second thoughts
he even helped me prepare a meal last night, that hasnt happened in months

maybe he has started to realise what he is throwing away

Possibly or maybe the timing is not quite convenient for him as yet! sorry Tina but it would be in your best interest (long term) to make up his mind for him. Believe me he will have more respect for you that way, knowing you won't be second best or the fall girl. It will also give you more ammunition in the future if you decide you still want him!

I do hope this works out for you anyway. X

tinatony1

i just dont know anything anymore

so confused

Stephb1986_2

He's a greasy little toad your better off without him love, Why would you want to scratch this other womans eyes out it takes two to tango and he owes you the loyalty not her yes she's as bad because she knows he's married. I'd pack his bags for him and dump them at work you make the decision that he is leaving don't put up with this crap.

He helped you cook a meal he should of thought about all this before he started with this other woman.

As for the debt side of it you can get a solicitor to draw up a contract for both of you to sign agreeing that you will pay £x amount every month. As for the car let him pay for that as you don't drive as that benefits him.

On another note I hope your ok. Men are sly barstewards and I don't think us women will ever get to the bottom of a bloke

Sending you hugs and love

Steph xx

Pollycat

Tina
This is going to sound really brutal and I'm sorry but as much as you may want to believe him, I think you really have to examine his motives.

He's said that things haven't been right for 6 months and he's been seeing another woman.
He's spent money on her that could and SHOULD have been spent on you (or your debts).
He's told you he doesn't want to repair your relationship and he gets on great with her.

He said he was going to her but he hasn't gone yet.

You said she didn't know about the joint debts.

Could it possibly be that she's decided she's not willing to take someone on with financial baggage?

It's one thing for you to take him back because he made a mistake (it happens) and has decided that the grass really isn't greener on the other side.
But, it's something entirely different for him to stay with you even though he's decided that he don't want you (his words), because he's got nowhere else to go as his new woman doesn't want him now.

I really DO hope that things work out for you, but don't let this guy 'do a number' on you.
He's messed you around enough.

Take care.

larmy16

tinatony1 wrote: »

i just dont know anything anymore

so confused

I am sure this one has been done before. Imagine this is your friend who is going through what you are going through, exactly the same details. What advice would you give to your dear friend? Then take that advice for yourself as you are your dearest friend - the one person you can trust. Do what is the very best for your dearest friend - yourself!

Dig deep within and your instinct should tell you what to do - painful as it may be.

The way I see your situation is it's going to be very painful whatever you do - but can you really live with someone who says they don't want you, has been messing around with someone else (safe sex I wonder?) all that insecurity?

Maybe amputation is the less painful option. Only you can decide. You do need someone to talk this all over with though. How about Relate, on your own?

Or see your doctor, they maybe able to suggest some short term counselling to help you see more clearly.

All the best. X

madnessandmayhem

Hun,
I read your post and it could have been me writing it. I'm not ready (or able i don't think) to post for advice and support just yet.
I really hope you are able to sort something out whatever that is, so that you are happy.
x

Sorry no help at all but just wanted you to know i understand how you feel and that you're not alone x

sarymclary

I had a sudden thought, when you mention that he's still there, despite saying he wants to go to this woman. Why would he still be with you now? What is stopping him from going, if that's what he said he wanted?

I am suspicious of his motives here, and it could be a number of reasons:

1. she isn't prepared to have him move in straight away, so is demanding more time to pass before he can go to her permanently. Maybe she wants to get the kids used to the idea, has to soften the blow to an ex (is she divorced, or separated? that could make things messy if not divorced yet).

2. Is he biding his time to sort out his own affairs before he goes? Is he gathering information re. finances, ensuring he can leave without any ties?

I thought of this second one, because when I asked my husband for a separation, he didn't at first agree to leave the marital home, and he stayed for a few weeks. However, in that time he cleared out all our joint bank accounts, closed the sole accounts I knew of, and opened new accounts, where he either moved the money, or hid cash (£40k!!).

I hadn't bargained for any of that kind of behaviour, we'd been together longer than you've been with your husband, and we had children together, although he never paid another penny towards them once he left. There is no way of knowing how someone will behave once they aren't with you anymore, or are planning to leave.

The only good thing I did do, without him realising, was I got copies of his bank statements, and was able to prove to a Court that we had the joint funds, and he had taken them. I never got the money back though, I should warn you, as we were unable to trace where it had gone. He had tried to leave me with all the joint debt, but I was strong and capable enough to fight that corner, and ensure he was held accountable.

I would just suggest caution for now.

I know that deep in your heart you just want things to go back to how they were, and you see him staying as being a glimmer of hope that this will be the case. However, this could prove to be terribly self-destructive, because you don't actually have any concrete commitment from him of what he is doing, and what he is intending to do, and if that is with you or not. So, you could end up going through the heartbreak time and time again.

If it were me, I would feel quite angry now that he was messing with my emotions, and be demanding that he give me either a definitive explanation, or leave the marital home for the time being, giving him the 'space' he has requested, and equally giving you the opportunity to have some time and space to gather your thoughts, and decide exactly what you want.

You are going to feel more confused with him being there, but not really 'being there', IYKWIM. He might be physically in the property, but where is he mentally? While he's helping prepare supper, is he thinking of this other woman, and hoping for a time when they're preparing a meal together?

If he isn't making the right noises, such as:
I made a huge mistake, I'm truly sorry, I do not know what I was thinking, I must have been stupid to even consider losing you, will you ever forgive me?
Then he isn't intending to love and honour you in the way a husband should.

This isn't just a case of him having doubts about your marriage, wondering if you both have a future together, going through a rocky patch, losing the closeness you once had and being scared it's gone forever, etc. This is about him being sexually and emotionally attracted to another woman, and having acted on it, by embarking upon a 'relationship' with her. That is difficult enough for you to have to deal with, without him playing silly games while he sorts out what he is doing.

You seem to have handed all control of what is going on over to him. If you want to know what is going on in your future, you have to regain some of that control, and start making some decisions. I know that sounds almost impossible, but just small steps each day should help.

If you act like a doormat, that's exactly how you'll be treated, even if your actions are coming from a place of love.

Try to stay strong, and know that there are always people here to talk things through with.

Pollycat

madnessandmayhem
I'm sorry to hear you're going through an awful time too - I just can't believe how many posts there are from women whose partners are being unfaithful.

It's lovely of you to take the time to add support to the OP.
And of course, there'll be lots of people to support you if and when you feel ready to talk.

Take care.

tinatony1

Thank you all

i know what everyone is saying is correct but knowing it and feeling it and then acting on it are different things and i dont know if i am ready for that yet.

he is my only long term relationship ever, all other short term ones i ended

you are right i do want it to go back to how it was and deep down i dont think it will but however weak it makes me i still want to hang onto that hope, at least for now