I just do not know what to do

sarymclary

tinatony - I've been following your thread, and had hoped there might have been a more positive outcome for you, so I'm really sorry things have seemed to turn out the way they have. I know it's really hard to see a way forward, especially when you feel your heart is breaking. Be kind to yourself, and take care. Going back to work, although hard, will probably help you to focus your thoughts elsewhere for a few hours a day, and also get you 'back out there', to get on with life.

You sound like a really sensible person though, and have showed incredible dignity and consideration throughout. You can get through this, but it will take a certain amount of time for you to feel that maybe you were spared a lifetime with someone who wasn't going to cherish you forever.

A thought occurred to me too, and I think it may have crossed your mind too, bearing in mind the comment that his new squeeze isn't aware of his debt. It depends upon her own situation as to whether she's prepared to help support someone in his financial predicament, especially as she has children. It also says a lot about the kind of woman who is happy to introduce a new man into her children's lives so soon after their fling started. As he has no experience of children either, I am not convinced he'll cope too well with the trials and tribulations there either. Other people's kids are often harder to take to, but not always. It worries me that there a children caught up in the middle of this tryst they've developed.

On a very practical note, I think you need to inform all of your joint debtors that he has left you, and inform them of his forwarding address, even if it is his parent's address. If you find out he's moved in with this woman, then he needs to inform them of his address with her. What you need to ensure is that he doesn't feel he's able to walk away from his financial responsibilities and ties to you in that respect. The bank account needs to be frozen, so that neither one of you can incurr anymore debt that the other is also liable for. Open your own sole account, if you don't already have one, and ensure your direct debits for your own personal debts and your salary are paid into it.

Once you have spoken to the CAB they will advise you how to deal with the joint debt, but you have to make it clear to your ex that he has to attend certain financial meetings with you. I would also ensure that you don't discuss any personal matters at these meetings with him, but keep them purely to discuss the debts. If anything else needs to be discussed, then do that at another time. That way he won't avoid the important financial meetings for fear of you discussing the more uncomfortable matter of him being an unfaithful shoite!

I'm glad your dad is being a diamond too, as we all need to know we have someone to lean on in difficult times.

maggied_2

So sorry it's come to this

Well done on going to work - can't have been at all easy but a routine will keep you going.
As Linda says get the practicalities sorted as soon as you can.

Make sure there's no access to any of your money / accounts for him - have you chucked his stuff out yet?

Contact all the necessary bodies - bank, council (to get reduction on your council tax bill), any utilities / subscriptions that are in his name. It's a while until the CAB appointment - anything we can help with before then?
I can understand why you just want him to come back - you can't turn your feelings on and off but you need to protect yourself here - creditors don't care who pays back their debts as long as they get money off someone!

One thing I did when I split up with XH - go on to Equifax / Experian and see what the joint credit liabilities are (you get 2400 on pigsback at the moment for this!) and then write to them to financially diassociate yourself from him. It'll mean any adverse credit in the future won't affect you.

C xxx

Good luck, post back if you need any help.

shellsuit

tinatony1 wrote: »

well to keep you all up to date, it is definately over

he is going to her ( she doesnt actually know about the debts though so that may change)

I am trying to keep calm, i have returned to work today, not easy but first step and all that

need to contact the CAB again to update them that things have changed before i have my appointment on the 27th October

still slightly in denial though i have to say

Oh Tina I'm so sorry

Has he left and taken this stuff yet? If not, when you get home from work, bag it all up and stick it in the hall for him to move.

What a complete and utter pair of selfish barstewards they are.

It makes you wonder, he's leaving you to shack up with someone he hardly knows, who has 2 children. Wonder how the children feel about it all? Has it be going on for longer than you think? Who knows?!

Scumbags the pair of them.

larmy16

Tina

The only advice I can give you is don't be the woman waiting in the wings.

Men and women who are cheating and go off with someone else like the thought that they have the devoted partner (heartbroken) sitting there waiting for them to go back if the grass does not prove to be greener.

Pull that particular rug out from under his devious feet. Don't be his doormat or give him any kind of boost to his ego. He must love the thought that there are two women who want him.

Oooh these threads make me so angry and depressed. Whatever happened to people communicating and working problems out? No just go and find an alternative!

Sorry I am so mad on your behalf. Take care and don't worry about any emotion you feel - it is all you can do and is necessary.

xx

Mely

Tina...ive been following your thread and im so sorry for how things have turned out for you. Be prepared that he will probably realise that the grass isnt always greener, and may want you back. Be strong and dont let him come back, after what hes done. You are worth so much more than that.
Mel xxXxx

Mely

Tina... to be honest with you id have the locks changed, id bag up his stuff and dump them at his work. Let his work colleagues know EXACTLY what scumbags they both are!

larmy16

Mely wrote: »

Tina... to be honest with you id have the locks changed, id bag up his stuff and dump them at his work. Let his work colleagues know EXACTLY what scumbags they both are!

And hide a few prawns in there somewhere for good measure!:D

tinatony1

Thank you all again for wise words and comfort, it does help, and some of your comments have even made me laugh.

with regards to the joint bank account the good thing is he doesnt know the pin number or have a cheque book as i always was left to deal with the financial side (not very well it turns out i admit)

The thing is he hasnt gone yet, but when he does how can i then ensure that he keeps up his end of the bargain in paying the debts back, the ones in his name wont be so much of an issue i know but what about the joint ones.

he was talking about opening up another bank account to get his wages paid into before he gets paid again at the end of the month, if he does this i wont be able to afford all the bills as i dont know how long it is going to take to sort things out after the CAB meeting

shellsuit

tinatony1 wrote: »

Thank you all again for wise words and comfort, it does help, and some of your comments have even made me laugh.

with regards to the joint bank account the good thing is he doesnt know the pin number or have a cheque book as i always was left to deal with the financial side (not very well it turns out i admit)

The thing is he hasnt gone yet, but when he does how can i then ensure that he keeps up his end of the bargain in paying the debts back, the ones in his name wont be so much of an issue i know but what about the joint ones.

he was talking about opening up another bank account to get his wages paid into before he gets paid again at the end of the month, if he does this i wont be able to afford all the bills as i dont know how long it is going to take to sort things out after the CAB meeting

How come he hasn't gone, what's he waiting for?

With regards to the money, you'll just have to cross your fingers that he pays his share x

sarymclary

tinatony

Are you in a private rented or housing association/council rented property? Either way, you will have a rental agreement, which I presume you will have jointly entered into. If you are unable to afford to rent there on your own, then you have to look into somewhere cheaper for yourself. In the meantime, regardless of whether he is there, he has to help pay for the rent until the notice period on the property is out. Standard notice is 1 month, but you'll need to check your agreement.

What he needs to understand is that he is still going to be responsible for the property you've been sharing until that notice period is out, so the gas, electric, council tax etc. Are all your bill in joint names? If there are some only in your name, then it'll be harder to chase him to contribute towards those. However, if his name is on other bills, leave it up to him to have to write to them to get his name taken off the bill. Why do you have to do his dirty work for him?

What exactly is it you are wanting the CAB to help you to sort out? This site has people with a wealth of experience (some CAB helpers too), and plenty who have been through the situation you are in now. Start with a list of the jointly liable debts, what are they and how much is your joint debt? How are they currently being paid, what % is each of you contributing, how did you jointly accummulate the debt, etc.

If he is already talking about having his wages paid into a different account (presumably not the joint a/c with the o/draft) then it needs to be established, before payday, how much he needs to be paying towards the joint debt, and he will need to contact the joint debtors to advise them how he is going to continue to settle his half of the debts. He has to make an undertaking to have direct debits set up to make the regular payments, and not avoiding his responsibility to them.

As an aside, I have been with my BF for 7 years, but both of us are still settling debts that we both had with our ex partners. There is only so much you can choose to leave behind after a relationship ends, but your responsibility to debt shouldn't be one of them.

It sounds like he needs to have it made crystal clear that you will not enable him to escape the mountain of debt you have both felt has accummulated. He may change his partner and address, but the fact remains that he still owes this money, and has a responsibility to it. He'll find that living with someone with 2 kids will drain his wallet faster than he likes, believe me.