I just do not know what to do

paddy's_mum

Pollycat - the last three paragraphs of your post number 662 are exactly what I was trying to express in my earlier post.

We know that Tina is feeling lost, bereft and hopeless. Do any of us know if the public withdrawal of support, for which she has repeatedly expressed thankfulness, might be the last straw that tips someone over into utter despair?

It was that aspect that hit my ears so badly. I'd hate to think that any hard word of mine might be the one that broke the camel's back of Tina's ability to hang on for the better times.

I'm reminded of an old friend whose 10 year old daughter died of complications of routine surgery. Four months later, she declined an invitation to a works party. A colleague asked her in exasperated tones "Oh, good heavens! Aren't you over that yet"?!

I do not believe that what I wrote was "stupidly" or "disgussd"ing but others may, of course, choose to disagree.

Nixer

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Do any of us know if the public withdrawal of support, for which she has repeatedly expressed thankfulness, might be the last straw that tips someone over into utter despair?

My friend is a counsellor and one of the things she learnt in her training was that if someone is going to fall they are going to fall and there's little you can do to stop them, you can just be around to help them pick up the pieces. It doesn't seem to me that Tina is on the edge though - I think she's been pretty strong thus far albeit making some decisions that seem a bit duff to me. I don't think people should hold back in pointing this duffness out to her so long as they are gentle about it.

I don't think people have withdrawn support, some have said that Tina isn't ready to hear their advice (although I suspect this will change at some point), which I think is true and is the reason I haven't offered any advice - I didn't have anything to add that hadn't been said anyway. However I do believe that advice should be offered freely and that people shouldn't be offended if it's ignored. I'm not sure whether anyone has been offended or not, difficult to gauge tone of posts sometimes. People who have said they won't post any more may just think they have nothing further to add.

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I'm reminded of an old friend whose 10 year old daughter died of complications of routine surgery. Four months later, she declined an invitation to a works party. A colleague asked her in exasperated tones "Oh, good heavens! Aren't you over that yet"?!

There will always be people who make arsehatted remarks. But I think most of this thread has been kind and patient.

I think Tina should keep posting if she feels the thread is helping her but shouldn't feel pressured into saying it's helping her if not.

I'll go back to lurking now.

Mutter_2

What we are missing is Tina!

Too much input from me at least, not enough from the girl herself.

tinatony1

Hi Mutter and everyone else.

please do not worry about me i am not suicidal. I agree that i have not taken everyones advice but i guess i still too confused in some ways, i have found it all very useful please believe me.

also please believe me when i say that i am not letting him walk al over me, i have always been too strong for that, however "my plan" and it is not really a plan as such just how i am going through every emotion under the sun, seems to be having an effect.

H will be spending christmas with me,

he has finally begun to talk to me about what has happened and has admitted what he has done was the worst thing he could have done to me and he has apologised for it.

he is unhappy with her and has admitted he was a fool and that the grass is never greener

i will also be seeing a close friend of us both today and we will talk about what is going on, this will help me in a big way.

i have told him that i cannot just wait around forever for him to make a decision and that i have been getting used to my life without him, it may be hard, it is very hard but there is life, even if it is not particuarly happy at the moment.

i have said that if he were to wish to try to repair our relationship then it will take alot of effort on his part as well as mine.

in some ways now the ball is in his court but if it goes out of play i will survive.

Mutter_2

You must be feeling very happy Tina.

I so hope you were right all along and the majority including me, are proved to be cynics.

Just one thing, not to put a downer on your happiness. Please make sure you don't get pregnant soon, at least not until you know everything between you is really steady.

I hope it all goes well.

Pollycat

Thanks for the update, Tina.

I think, taking into account what YOU really want (and you have always been up front about what you wanted), it all sounds very positive for you.

It sounds to me like he's had his fling (how old is he, by the way - I'm thinking mid-life crisis), and may now be ready to come back to you.
As long as it's on your terms and not his, maybe you can work things out and put this behind you.

So this other woman will be spending Christmas alone, instead of with the guy she KNEW was married but started a relationship with anyway....

Do you know, I almost feel sorry for her - Nah, forget that - she doesn't deserve anyone's sympathy.

tinatony1

hi mutter, what you have said about not getting pregnant reminds me of what someone said when me and H first got together, she said not to get pregnant for 5 years, ha ha, mind you she also said she didnt think it would last more than six months ?

having a baby is the last thing on my mind at the moment, in truth i still dont really know if i want children, i have never really had the burning desire

Hi Pollycat H is 44, so it maybe some sort of midlife crisis, if he starts wearing leather trousers i will let you know.
If things start to look like they are going to get back on track i will not be a doormat just to have him back in my life and he will not be the be all and end all of my life like he was before, i have told him that.

i am still not counting my chickens, alot can happen and in some ways i hope it does, we both have to want this i dont want him to come back as some sort of pity thing and if he does come back it will almost be like starting from scratch, he will be in the spare room, he knows that.

Mutter_2

Sorry Tina, I could have sworn you said in your OP that you had been discussing children. Just had a look and no mention of babies, so apologies.

I do hope you are not starting a trend. If mine wanted to return, I'd have to take refuge at the Sally Ann!

tinatony1

mutter you are not completely wrong we had discussed it, we were just unsure thats all, H has kids from his previous relationships, all grown up now and we had talked about it but not in a definate i have to have a baby now way, i guess in a way that you think you should way but it has never been a huge priority. that may change i dont know, but i am getting on a bit now to think about having one

Pollycat

Mutter wrote: »

Sorry Tina, I could have sworn you said in your OP that you had been discussing children. Just had a look and no mention of babies, so apologies.

I do hope you are not starting a trend. If mine wanted to return, I'd have to take refuge at the Sally Ann!

Mutter, I thought the same thing, Tina did mention kids early on in the thread, though:

tinatony1 wrote: »

she isnt married but she has 2 kids, we dont have any together but have been discussing having one even up until last week

At least Tina sounds sensible enough not to see having a baby as a way to 'save her marriage' as some people do.

44?
Hmmm, I think mid-life crisis.
My ex-OH had HIS mid-life crisis early at the age of 33.