I just do not know what to do

Pollycat

Blackpongo
I'm a bit unsure of your situation as you say he wants to leave you as he's unhappy but then you also say

do i let him stay for xmas for the sake for the kids and give him a happy yet false xmas

Do you actually have a choice in whether he stays? I wouldn't be thinking about making HIS Christmas happy.

Does he have anywhere to go to?

Did you have any clues about how he was feeling?

Are you 100% convinced that there is nobody else involved?

As worriedsik says, the ages of your children (and how things are between the two of you right now) could be a factor in whether you have a Christmas together or you ask him to leave.
If you're at the 'screaming at each other' stage, that's not going to be great for the kids.

blackpongo1

to reply to your queries i dont know what my husband wants as he doesnt know what he wants (his words ) MY kids ages are 7 5 3 very young to be going through this , i have every emotion under the sun in my body at the moment and i dont what to do let alone think whats best part of my says he is very selfish part of me has pity on him because he has a barrier up and wants to deals with this himself i'm at my wits ends he is my everything and ge doesnt want to be part of that anymore i'm frightened that if he walk out that door he'll not come back 20 years is a long time just throw away but he doesnt see that

worriedsik

blackpongo1 wrote: »

to reply to your queries i dont know what my husband wants as he doesnt know what he wants (his words ) MY kids ages are 7 5 3 very young to be going through this , i have every emotion under the sun in my body at the moment and i dont what to do let alone think whats best part of my says he is very selfish part of me has pity on him because he has a barrier up and wants to deals with this himself i'm at my wits ends he is my everything and ge doesnt want to be part of that anymore i'm frightened that if he walk out that door he'll not come back 20 years is a long time just throw away but he doesnt see that

Maybee then you could sugest that you sort it out after xmas just to make the xmas period ok for the kids as they may wonder where daddy is if he is not there on xmas morning
xmas is only 5 days away and if he left now would he be there on xmas morning for the kids ? its a stresfull time off the year for relationships too so maybee once it is all over would be a better time to discuss your marriage etc ?

worriedsik

Did he say when he wanted to leave ?

Pollycat

Blackpongo
I asked before if you were sure that there's nobody else involved.


It sounds to me that he's either:

• going through a 'I think my life might be slipping away and I'm not sure this is what I want to do with the rest of it' phase. This might just be a bit of discontentment - with you, work, money issues etc. Basically, a mid-life crisis where he wants something to change but he doesn't know what.

or:

• he's met somebody else and he's wanting out from your marriage but can't bring himself to tell you.

I think you need to know exactly which situation you're dealing with here.

If it's the first one, you could probably manage to spend Christmas together, at least for the sake of the kids.
If it's the second, and he wants to be with somebody else, it might be the biggest mistake for you to be together. Christmas is one of the most stressful times of the year, even when things are going smoothly.

It must be very worrying for you.

blackpongo1

Pollycat wrote: »

Blackpongo
I asked before if you were sure that there's nobody else involved.

I can only go by what he tells me and tells me there is no one else involed i do believe he feels his life is slipping away He came out of the army after 12 years 3 yrs ago and all of a sudden this great resposibility has been thrust onto him where he is a husband 24/7 a great dad 24/7 and there is no escape for him i hope it is a mid life crisis

Pollycat

blackpongo1 wrote: »

Pollycat wrote: »

Blackpongo
I asked before if you were sure that there's nobody else involved.

I can only go by what he tells me and tells me there is no one else involed i do believe he feels his life is slipping away He came out of the army after 12 years 3 yrs ago and all of a sudden this great resposibility has been thrust onto him where he is a husband 24/7 a great dad 24/7 and there is no escape for him i hope it is a mid life crisis

Blackpongo, I hope so too as that may be easier to deal with than fighting with another woman for your OH.

However, if your OH can't or won't say what he wants (other than he wants to leave), it's still going to be hard for you.
Is there anything in his life that he may be hiding from you?
Could he have run up debts without you knowing?
Is there a chance that he might lose his job?
Does he seem depressed?

He may have some crazy idea of running away from mistakes he's made to save you and the kids.

I think you really have to try to get him to talk about his feelings and why he's not happy and why he wants to leave.

Have you talked about Christmas and what you are both going to do?

blackpongo1

Pollycat when this situation first errupted i thought he was depressed got him to the dr 5 minute consultation and no he,s fine but now i dont think so he has said he wants to make xmas special for kids during these days of talking he has told me a bomb went of in his head and the pieces are still flying up in the air and he can only think of what he wants needs etc when the pieces have all settled down he descibes himself as raw i sort of gave him an ultimatum if he wants to say stat in the house for me then i will fight tooth and nail for us but if not go now part of me regrets this now part of me doesnt so last nite he told me he was in the house for me the kids and himself but doubtin thomas is telling me he is only staying for the kids and when xmas is over he will be away i dont want to think like this but it is hard its o so hard.

salesaddict

Hi Smartpicture,

I keep reading and re-reading your post about your ex coming back for Christmas just to suit himself. I really need to ask. Do you know if he stayed with her? Is he actually living happily somewhere? It's just that I am a great believer in Karma and I think if you treat someone that badly, you don't deserve happiness.

I hope you are happy with someone else now?
I wish you the very best anyway.

salesaddict

hello again Smartpicture,

I have just read your post of 251109 and I really understand that you know what you are talking about in this sort of situation from bitter experience.