I just do not know what to do

smartpicture

salesaddict wrote: »

Hi Smartpicture,

I keep reading and re-reading your post about your ex coming back for Christmas just to suit himself. I really need to ask. Do you know if he stayed with her? Is he actually living happily somewhere? It's just that I am a great believer in Karma and I think if you treat someone that badly, you don't deserve happiness.

I hope you are happy with someone else now?
I wish you the very best anyway.

He did actually stay with her (eventually, after I finally found the strength to tell him he couldn't come back again, after the 8th time I'm ashamed to say!). I hadn't seen him for a few years, although I've heard he's playing away again, but I bumped into him this year and he told me I would always be the one true love of his life and she made him miserable. There was a time I was desperate to hear those words, so it was weird to feel absolutely nothing now, except mild pity for both of them - pity for her because she's settling for someone who will never give her the love & respect she deserves, and pity for him because to him the grass is always greener and he'll always be dissatisfied with his life. I just told him it was a shame he didn't work that out before he selfishly messed up everyone's lives, and it was too late now, which I must admit felt quite good.

I am happy and contented with my life now. Sadly I'm not with anyone - I have dates and even relationships, but I'm unable to trust anyone enough to let down my guard and get serious about them. This is one of my worries for Tina - if someone dumps you, you can move on and find happiness elsewhere. But when they drag it out with the death by a thousand cuts, that's so much harder to recover from. What he's doing is immensely selfish and cruel - but sadly also very addictive, as I know from experience.

Kay_Peel

This may sound sneaky but try this:

Get hold of his mobile phone and check any text messages received and sent, and the telephone numbers last dialled. Check his email, if you can. Check what websites he has visited, if you can. Find out if he's talking to anyone else about his crisis and what is being said. If he means what he says and intends to leave his family, then it is likely that he is being supported or that someone somewhere is giving him a shoulder to cry on. Find out if he's looking at alternative accommodation or jobs away from home.

You might find that he has been toying with a plan to leave because this sort of thing doesn't come out of the blue - it comes after some soul searching, weighing up options and looking at alternatives.

If you find nothing on his mobile or computer, then at least you know that he is talking things over with you, as he should do.

I sincerely hope that he is just feeling down about life in general. Christmas can do that to people. He may be dissatisfied with his marriage and want to shock you into recognising that he is not happy and wants more attention (very difficult when you've got three little ones). Is there any possibility that you could spend some time together over Christmas and that some kind relative could take the children overnight?

When I was in your position, I felt that I didn't have two children - I had three children if you included the OH. And the third child wanted more attention than the other two!

It would be a great shame if your OH was so immature, selfish and self-centred to put his needs before those of his family in the coming days and weeks. It was cruel of him to drop his bombshell, knowing that it would destroy your peace of mind, leave you in bits while trying to keep a brave face, and not knowing the cause of his threat to leave.

Fight for him and for your marriage - but be prepared to fight dirty and sneaky (checking pockets, phone, computer) if you are going to get to the truth behind his threat.

I am so sorry to hear about your anguish and pain. All the best.

worriedsik

smartpicture wrote: »

He did actually stay with her (eventually, after I finally found the strength to tell him he couldn't come back again, after the 8th time I'm ashamed to say!). I hadn't seen him for a few years, although I've heard he's playing away again, but I bumped into him this year and he told me I would always be the one true love of his life and she made him miserable. There was a time I was desperate to hear those words, so it was weird to feel absolutely nothing now, except mild pity for both of them - pity for her because she's settling for someone who will never give her the love & respect she deserves, and pity for him because to him the grass is always greener and he'll always be dissatisfied with his life. I just told him it was a shame he didn't work that out before he selfishly messed up everyone's lives, and it was too late now, which I must admit felt quite good.

I am happy and contented with my life now. Sadly I'm not with anyone - I have dates and even relationships, but I'm unable to trust anyone enough to let down my guard and get serious about them. This is one of my worries for Tina - if someone dumps you, you can move on and find happiness elsewhere. But when they drag it out with the death by a thousand cuts, that's so much harder to recover from. What he's doing is immensely selfish and cruel - but sadly also very addictive, as I know from experience.

Smartpicture....your story is word for word what happened to me & i guess this is also why iam passionate about tinas story.
I also wish i had not been dragged through the hurt and the death by a thousand cuts ( great way off describing it ) as iam also to scared to enter into another relationship although iam working on myself at the moment & have found out why i let him do this too me iam looking at things like boundrys etc & i think i had low self asteem ( i dont know when that happened because i was always a confident woman ) i think he took it all away from me without me noticing ! he sucked the life out off me gradually bit by bit , i did finally find the strength to get him out off my life & started building myself up to what i used to be , iam so much happier now , on my own but i dont feel ready to have a relationship yet but think i will one day as long as iam good and ready and built some boundrys never to let somebody trample on me again , that sounds like i was letting him walk all over me but really i was always putting him first like all the time & he was putting him first so i was giving all the time and getting nothing back and i didnt even notice untill i was totally drained.
I was always under the impresion that i could show my vulnerable side to somebody who loved me WRONG lol or maybee we can , maybee he didnt love me after all ! thinking about it now he loved himself more .
I also think he was BPD borderline personality disorder so i had my work cut out for me.

geminilady

tinatony1 wrote: »

Hi Mutter and everyone else.

please do not worry about me i am not suicidal. I agree that i have not taken everyones advice but i guess i still too confused in some ways, i have found it all very useful please believe me.

also please believe me when i say that i am not letting him walk al over me, i have always been too strong for that, however "my plan" and it is not really a plan as such just how i am going through every emotion under the sun, seems to be having an effect.

H will be spending christmas with me,

he has finally begun to talk to me about what has happened and has admitted what he has done was the worst thing he could have done to me and he has apologised for it.

he is unhappy with her and has admitted he was a fool and that the grass is never greener

i will also be seeing a close friend of us both today and we will talk about what is going on, this will help me in a big way.

i have told him that i cannot just wait around forever for him to make a decision and that i have been getting used to my life without him, it may be hard, it is very hard but there is life, even if it is not particuarly happy at the moment.

i have said that if he were to wish to try to repair our relationship then it will take alot of effort on his part as well as mine.

in some ways now the ball is in his court but if it goes out of play i will survive.

Just wondered if he is leavng the other women or just spending christmas with you?would be nce to read an update.

JustKeepSwimming_2

I hope all is going well for you Tina - Xmas is never easy! :beer:

Karen_30

Just wanted to wish you a very Merry Christmas and I hope that you are well.

Best of luck xxx

smartpicture

So how did Christmas go, Tina? I'm sure we all kept our fingers crossed for you.

pinkgirl2009

i wonder how things went or did she stuff him with paxo over xmas

Mely

Tina, how did things go over Christmas? I hope everything is ok xxxx

Redsky_2

All I can say is...I'm sorry my thoughts are with you