I just do not know what to do

Michelin

Tina, won't he have a district nurse or something coming in to see him?

I think you have done really well in caring for him but you really need to care for yourself and decide what you are going to do with your life. This situation with your f-i-l is just delaying decision making by both you and your H. How are you going to move this on? I know that you still feel upset and want to make this work but how are you going to do this? You have been so strong and you really deserve to get what you want.

jackie_w

Hello Tina,

Ive just read your post (havent read all the replies yet).

I was in the same position as you 2 years ago. My DH was seeing someone who worked in the same place as him, and I found out about it. When I confronted him, he would tell me that he didnt know what he wanted, didnt know how he felt about me. I would react by trying not to "rock the boat" and try not to argue, try to make things as easy as possible, because I was so sacred that he would go to her.
He told me he didnt sleep with her, but I have my doubts about that even to this day.

My Dh and I are still together, but I hate myself for the way I acted at the time, and TBH there are many times when I wish we had split up. wish I acted more "hard to get" because when I think back to the way I was acting (and im afraid to say its the exact same way as you are acting now), I think I was pathetic (im sorry I dont mean to be harsh).
You see the hardest thing to do in a relationship (when you have been cheated on) is to stay together or get back together (I think anyway), because the trust has been broken.
If you and your DH do get back together again, you will always be "worried" incase he is seeing her (especially as they work in the same place). You will constantly be on edge, checking up on him, checking his phone, and let me tell you it is more exhausting than what you are going though at the moment.

I still dont trust my husband at all (thats my problem I know), and he has his Christmas night out on Friday, and its at a place where she used to go (he doesnt work with her anymore, so I dont know if she still goes there). The night out was arranged at his new work, and they dont know anything about his affair. I will constantly be worried incase he sees her, and I wont settle, and I will be a nightmare to be with when he is out.

I know this will have been said before, and it is easy for us to say this, but, you need to be strong for yourself, and if you do decide to take him back, then make sure you can deal with all the uncertainty that will be in the relationship. It is going to take an awful lot of hard work to make the relationship work, it will be even harder than what it will be if you decided you didnt want him back, although, you wont think like this at the moment.

of course this is the way things happened for me, and what i thought at the time and think now.
I wish you all the very best my love.

Please be strong for yourself and remember to love yourself because THERE IS NO ONE BETTER THAN YOU, and thats something that every single person should think.

Jackie xx

tinatony1

thank you jackie_w.

i realise that this will be one of the hardest times of my life and that if we can get things back on track it will be an awful lot of work. but at this present time it is what i want and i am willing to work as hard as i need. i know he will need to want the same thing and i do think that somewhere inside him he wants this too

i know alot of you will not agree with me, but what we had together was very good, the best and until every avenue has been explored i will not give up, you see in that respect i am very strong.

he is now realising how hard it is to have to do things for himself that i used to do and he is struggling but he needs to as he now understands how difficult it was for me

Sexy_Legs

Hi Tina

Is he still living with the other woman, do his friends now know that you are not together etc.

tinatony1

yes and no

Sexy_Legs

Do yo still meet up with him and his friends on his pool night, if so, can you not confide in one of the friends, I think you mentioned in previous post that there is one of them you get on quite well with.

It is like your Husband is leading 2 lives, and pretending to his family and freinds that all usual, so he can save face.

Tina, I really think you need to shut the door on him, let him have the other woman with his lies, deceit, let him tell his FIL and MIL what an a**sehole he really is.

YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR HIM AND DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS.

Sorry to sound harsh, but you deserve so much better than this.

Kay_Peel

While your 11 year marriage to H has been your only longterm relationship, you are this man's third wife. He's been through break ups before and moved on to the next women.

Women's brains and heart are wired so differently - even if I didn't have children and the responsibilities of a home and a job, I just couldn't do 'serial monogamy' with the odd affairs thown in for good measure. That's why I find it very difficult to understand men who can quite confidently walk away from their wife and straight into another bed. It's even worse if he leaves behind all the debts for the wife to sort out.

As I say - there's something in our genes that stop us from acting in this way. It appalls me. I can't help but be critical of the man and protective of the suffering woman.

I'm sorry for your pain and anguish, TinaT. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

jack*tigger

Tina ... I think that you need to take a few big deep breaths and be strong for your own good. You ex has managed to get himself into a huge mess and it's down to him to sort it out. He has told you numerous times that he doesn't want to be with you - so he obviously isn't doing anything to spare your feelings. So you need to look after yourself and let him sort his own mess out.

I'm guessing that your family or his is going to expect to see you over Christmas. So do you go and pretend to be happy families for the festivities? The more that you give in to him the less control you have. He's just saving face. If everyone knew what he'd done they'd think a lot less of him. You're just helping him look good when he isn't.

The next time you talk to him you need to tell him politely but firmly that he has made his bed, made it perfectly clear he isn't going to share it with you again, so he can now lie in it. He isn't your problem, you don't give a fig that he isn't getting on well with his floozie - guess the grass wasn't greener then - and that you really don't want to play this game any more. There doesn't seem to be anything in it for you except more heartache so go find a better game to play.

I'd say that the New Year is a perfect time for you to start a fresh. The new you. A new life. Go out there and live your life. You never know you might enjoy yourself and wonder why you tried to get back together with him. Don't let him control your life any more - he forfeited a say in what you do when he left.

He can't have his cake and eat it - unless you let him.

Pollycat

jack*tigger wrote: »

I'm guessing that your family or his is going to expect to see you over Christmas. So do you go and pretend to be happy families for the festivities?

Oh damn, there's a thing! Christmas!

Tina, have you discussed any plans for Christmas?
What do you normally do?
Is this other woman going to expect him to be with her and her kids?
If I were living with someone, I'd expect him to be with me.

I can see your ex-partner being pulled in quite a few ways - his parents, you, his new partner.
I hope this whole sorry mess of his own making collapses around his ears.

BallandChain

I think people should just leave her to it as she isn't ready to take on board the good advice. Very good advice which is falling on deaf ears.