I just do not know what to do

nm123_2

tinatony1 wrote: »

i just met up with H for a coffee and i feel like i am right back at square one, i still love him so much that i just dont know what to do. one minute he is telling me how he hates being at hers the next that it is all over between us and we're never going to get back together.
i know this is old ground but i really cant take it, i dont want a life without him i really dont, i cannot even begin to imagine my life without him, everytime i see him i just want him to say it was all a big mistake.
i have no life without him and i dont want one.

i know you are all probably sick of me being so weak but i really cant do this.

No one said your feelings would just switch off hun. It would make a mockery of your marriage if you didn't still have feelings for him.

I think he's being really unfair to you and whilst I don't know him, my gut instinct is that if he's that unsure or being this selfish about it, ultimately he doesn't care about you enough.

Big hugs though lovie, put all this into perspective and you'll get there.

Mutter_2

There are so many lies.

Husband lies to Tina, Husband lies to other woman. Both Tina and Husband lie to his parents. Sneaking out for a coffee together means they are both lying to the other woman.

Tina, you started off as blameless, but you have been drawn into being a liar as well.

I honestly think the worst lie is to present yourselves to his parents as a happily married couple. How the pair of you carry that off is beyond me.

What will happen if or when they find out?

Does anyone tell the truth in this merry-go-round?

It doesn't appear that you are sleeping with your estranged husband Tina. I should hope not, as you are now the Mistress who he sees on the side.

Not good. Pick your pride up from the floor where you dropped it and get on with your life.

I knew someone who went to work in an Oxfam bookshop on Saturday afternoons. She went to get a volunteer thing on her cv.

She loved it and a year later still meets up with them. It was as much social as work. Who should fetch the cream cakes and make the tea. Where to go for Christmas Dinner. College kids to 80yr olds all got on great together.
Try it, you are not committed for ever.

At the moment, you are being sucked in to a world of lies. Once you tell one, you have to cover it with another one.

You must now find the strength to extricate yourself and regain your self esteem.

The FIL operation is done and a success, just an excuse anyway on the part of your husband. He, being too much of a coward to tell his parents he was bunking up with another woman, drew you in to lie for him.

You in your posts say he is a good man.

No he is not Tina. He is a lying, snivelling little toad (apologies to Toads everywhere) who relies on you to lie to his ill father and his suffering mother to cover his sorry backside. WAKE UP TINA.

I think you will see sense very soon and regain your pride.

Pollycat

smartpicture wrote: »

Of course you can't do it, don't blame yourself - it's impossible while you're still seeing him & having coffee and all the rest! It's like having an operation to remove a nasty growth, you don't keep pulling off the bandages and ripping the scar apart every day to inspect the wound and then complain it's not getting any better! Because that's what you're doing by still seeing him.

I'm not having a go at all, I know how impossibly difficult it is when the feelings of love are still there. But nothing will change or get better until you feel able to separate yourself from him physically. After that, the separating yourself mentally from him will gradually follow. There is only one way for you to feel better, and that is to stop talking to him, stop seeing him, stop accepting his calls / texts behind her back / offers of help well-intentioned or not / small moments of his life when he's willing to fit you in. I promise you, it's the only way to ever feel better - and I know, because I had to do it.

I totally agree with smartpicture's post.
You're never ever going to move forward whilst you're still meeting up with him socially (behind his new partner's back as mutter points out).
What a great guy he sounds. :rolleyes:

tinatony1 wrote: »

i just met up with H for a coffee and i feel like i am right back at square one, i still love him so much that i just dont know what to do. one minute he is telling me how he hates being at hers the next that it is all over between us and we're never going to get back together.
i know this is old ground but i really cant take it, i dont want a life without him i really dont, i cannot even begin to imagine my life without him, everytime i see him i just want him to say it was all a big mistake.
i have no life without him and i dont want one.

i know you are all probably sick of me being so weak but i really cant do this.

I've said this a few times before - Tina, this guy is seriously messing with your head.
From what you've said, I think this scumbag wants to break you completely so that you are so mixed up and desperate for him to come home that he can please himself what he does in your 'new' relationship because he's secure in the knowledge that he can walk all over you and you will just put up with it.
Do you REALLY REALLY want to live like that?

I think you deserve much more, but unless you make yourself strong, you'll still be on here next year and the year after that, telling us that he's found (another) somebody else and 'is moving on', but he still wants you to go to pool with him and meet him for coffee.

I'm glad that your father-in-law's operation went well.
So when are you going to tell his parents that he's now living with someone else and your marriage is over?

whitelillies

Ultimately, and its probably been said before on this thread that HE is not going to MISS you because YOU are still around. Its time for a bit of tough love im afraid. And yes we all know that you do love him, but before that love comes your love for yourself and respect for yourself. He is never going to miss you as he see you when he want to, and even if you come to find out that he doesnt love you, is that so bad. You cant make a person be the person that you want them to be. Let him go and if he comes back then it was worth it, if he doesnt come back then HE isnt worth it. Sorry if i sound harsh, ive been there, difference circumstances and it took me a while to realise that if he did love me he wouldnt of done what he did and that was the hardest thing to face up to, but i did and im moving on. What helped me is the thought in my mind that IF HE DID LOVE ME THEN HE WOULD DO ANYTHING NOT TO HURT ME. AND IF I WAS IN A POSITION OF BEING UPSET OR HURT THEN HE WOULD DO ANYTHING TO ALLIEVATE THAT PAIN AND NOT CONTRIBUTE TO IT. Its called compassion, because yes he can love you, and there can be a lot of love but without compassion its meaningless. Just ask yourself would you do this to him, and if not why not and then ask yourself if he loved you would he really have done this at all. I think you know the answer deep down. This isnt about your love for him, its about his love for you. BTW my ex has now decided that hes sorry etc etc. after a month of missing me. Well tough luck i say as over the last month ive decided that hes not worth all the pain hes caused me, because like i said if he did love me he wouldnt of caused the pain

lilmissmup

Oh god hun in some ways he sounds a lot like my ex apart from mine didn't cheat but hasstill been talking to other girls whilst giving me hope too :rolleyes:

I know its hard but you have to break free, I still love my ex but having him in my life was making me sick with him still telling me he loved me but didn't know what he wanted :mad:

I haven't hand any contact with him for two weeks now, changed my mobile phone number nearly 4 weeks ago and that was not easy, sometimes now I still want to email him with it but I have to break free because it wasn't healthy for my ex either, luckily he changed his number not long ago too so I have no clue what it is and can't text him

I can promise you it won't be easy, I have weak moments every day but its over and I have to start moving on as he actually left me 5 months ago.

Maybe I will talk to him civially in the future but if you don't want your ex back then you need to start acting like it, as soon as you can tell your in-laws you have split.

I can't believe he is lying to them, tbh it makes me feel sorry for the other woman too him hiding her, prob not something you want to hear but hes treating you both really badly!

Time will help, your not alone, plenty of other people on here have been through it but please start to back away from him, hes in control and loving it, my ex always wanted the last word even in his last email and its your life you should control it just like I should be controlling mine.

Sorry this is so long, I hope this time next year we are both much happier xxx

choille

I'd arrange a meeting with her & tell her what he's told you - invite him too. Then tell his parents also. The man's a rat & a cowardly rat at that.
You are actually letting him have his cake. With you being so compliant why should he give up his young floozy - he has the best of both worlds in some ways. His collegues & others must wonder what he's got.
Have it all out in the open - this could go on & on like this for years.

You need to get some self respect back & start looking after you & the kids. He sounds like an immuture lech who'll keep on womanising & causing you immense pain if you allow him to carry on like this.
All the best - don't mean to sound harsh, but you are in some complicent with the way you are hanging on.

worriedsik

Tina .....you say in post 23 off this thread that you have told your dad , so if your family knows about it can you get some support from them ? what does your dad say to it all ?

hope you are ok tina you should maybee go back to the doctor or get some support in the real world x

Sunshine12

Hi Tina

Just wanted to say big hugs to you. Apologies for my bluntness here but Ive been in a similar situation before. I think your partner is being a selfish t*at and you deserve so much more. Sounds to me like he knows (or at least thinks) he can keep you hanging on and pick you up and drop you whenever he feels like it without any thought about what this is doing to you. If I were you I would tell him you agree that there is no future and you want to move on. Im sure you will see a completely different reaction when he realises you are not putting up with his cr*p any longer, and if he even attempts to talk about her to you tell him its none of your business and you aint interested. You have to ask yourself, even if he did come back, how could you possibly trust him again? I would also be asking myself if I really wanted to be with someone who felt so little of our relationship that they could lie and cheat without any kind of remorse whatsoever. You deserve so much more and you need to believe that. Best wishes. xx

Pollycat

choille wrote: »

I'd arrange a meeting with her & tell her what he's told you - invite him too. Then tell his parents also. The man's a rat & a cowardly rat at that.
You are actually letting him have his cake. With you being so compliant why should he give up his young floozy - he has the best of both worlds in some ways. His collegues & others must wonder what he's got.
Have it all out in the open - this could go on & on like this for years.

You need to get some self respect back & start looking after you & the kids. He sounds like an immuture lech who'll keep on womanising & causing you immense pain if you allow him to carry on like this.
All the best - don't mean to sound harsh, but you are in some complicent with the way you are hanging on.

Hi choille
hope you don't mind me saying this, but a poster on this thread right from the beginning (and with a good memory), this other woman isn't actually younger than Tina.
She (OW) has kids but Tina doesn't.


I honestly don't know how Tina has managed to keep going through such an awful time for the last 2 months.
It's bad enough to find out that your OH has been seeing someone else but for him to keep her hanging on as he has done is the cruellest thing ever.
I don't think Tina has had much support from her family at all during this mess.

tinatony1

hi all

i feel like i should apologise for my post on monday, it was just me having a severe moment of weakness.
to be fair to my dad he has done the best that he can with the information i have given him, you see i havent told him that i am on my own at the moment, i can hear a chorus of gasps of disbelief as i write that.

i know i am not doing myself any favours but in some ways if i dont tell anyone then it isnt happening and in others it has forced me to live on my own and get used to it and i am getting used to it, i dont like it but i knew i wouldnt.

the other news is that my f-i-l has been sent home, this is not good news, he only had the op on friday and has not been eating or drinking while in hospital but apparently they need the bed ?????

f-i-l is pleased as he hates hospital but it is not good, no offence to m-i-l but she wont be able to give him the care he needs. we are very worried.