I just do not know what to do

LydiaJ

So sorry for what you've been going through, Tina.

When it was me, the sentence I stuck to was "I WILL NOT SHARE".

If he wanted her, he couldn't also have me. If he wanted me, he'd have to give her up. Far too many men want to have their cake and eat it. Don't let him.

Bogof_Babe

While he is still seeing you every day and keeping in touch, he doesn't have to be worrying about how you are coping. Given the apparent strings of responsibility still pulling him back, I think if you can make yourself unavailable to any form of contact for a while it will pay dividends, in that he will start to be wracked with guilt and worry about you.

Let's face it, however you play it at this stage is a gamble, but my money would be on the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" effect, especially as it seems life with the new bit of stuff doesn't seem to be turning out much fun.

I can't remember what the nature of your f-i-l's forthcoming operation is, but unless it is something extremely intensive like a heart bypass I don't see that you need to keep schtum about recent developments. I'd almost suggest you talk to your m-i-l and tell her you are terribly upset by it all, and hoping ex comes to his senses, but obviously you cannot put up with sharing him during the present situation. She would probably tell him what an idiot he has been, and he might even listen to her! You can take the opportunity to reassure her that your problems with him don't alter your relationship with them, and you will of course be there for them during the difficult time ahead.

tinatony1

His dad has aortic aneurysym (spelt wrong i am sure) which means the walls of the artery are very thin and need strengthening, if it is not done then it could rupture and he will die, however he has had a heart attack in the past and has breathing difficulties as well, he is 80

i dont think his mum would be very sympathetic to be honest, dont get me wrong we get on really well she is just a hard woman

Puddings

Hi Tina, I know how you're feeling, just take it one day at a time.

My OH's family all know whats happened, I'm very close to them and they're hoping for reconcilliation at some point but it's lovely that they care, I love them to bits and they know I'll be there if they need me. Them knowing does help to some degree believe me and yes they've boxed his ears about the whole thing! I also understand the timing 'never seems right' my OH's mum died so that delayed us sorting things out BUT prolonging it has made it worse in the long run I see that now.

calistared

Oh noooo, I know it is no consolation whatsoever but I am sending you lots of virtual hugs. x

salesaddict

tinatony1 wrote: »

hi puddings

to be honest with you i am not doing so good today, i make all these resolves and then when i wake up in the morning all alone it just hits me again and i lose it. it scares me so much that the man i have lived with and loved for 11 years is now such a stranger to me. it makes you doubt everything.

i just want to scream and then run away and hide

But Tina it's only natural to feel like that, strong and resolved one minute and then fearful the next. It really is like a bereavement, because the life and certainty you have known have gone, and even if he came crawling back it will never be the same. Like any loss it takes a long time to get over and you will have good days and bad. Just try to be kinder to yourself than you generally seem to be. You are a very strong character to have got this far in one piece, even though you may not always see that. Just speaking from my own experience, I have had things happen in my life that, at the time, I thought I would never recover from. But I have recovered. You will too one way or another. It just doesn't happen overnight.

newbeginning_2

Hi Tina

I've been following your post from the beginning. Am in a similar situation to you at the moment. Before any of this happened to me I'd have been one of the loudest shouting 'let him go, he's not worth your tears, he'll only hurt you again' but now I've found myself in this situation I fully understand everything you say, and reading yours and everyone else's comments on here has been a great help to me.

From what you've already said I think you do need to cut him out of your life as much as possible - which I know is easier said than done when there's other people to think of. I also think that if you can show him you're strong and you don't need him anymore (I know you don't feel like this inside really but he doesn't need to see that now), he'll be back to you - whether or not the relationship could work again is another thing entirely, but he doesn't sound like he knows what he wants yet, otherwise he wouldn't be secretly texting you, and taking you places while lying to the new woman, either way I honestly don't think she's the love of his life.

Thinking of you xx

paddy's_mum

The rate you're going, you'll die if you don't create some distance! The weight loss, the depression, the blackness of life ... whatever the final outcome, you must put some effort into caring for your physical and mental health. Don't make mugs out of all your friends on here by inflicting neglect upon yourself, please.

I think your mother in law might surprise you if you tell her what's been going on. If you leave it too long, she would have genuine grounds for feeling that you had been a party to an ongoing and massive lie. Your silence and deceit (even if for good reasons) could destroy that relationship, which you say you value.

Your husband's behaviour is (or will be) harming every single person involved in this whole sorry mess - you, the other woman, his parents, his friends - and all for the sake of .... ?

If he was cheated on in a former marriage, and presumably knows just how much it hurts, why is he so ready to inflict it on someone else? Talking to the ex wives might be very revealing.

Quite simply, he is being cruel.

I wish you well and I'm another one rooting for you. Good luck.

worriedsik

Morning Tina

How are you doing ? have you made yourself unavailable to him or given him an ultimatum yet ?

tinatony1

not doing too bad today, i took the plunge today and had my hair cut, i used to have very long (i could nearly sit on it ) hair but now it is just on my shoulders and layered, i was quite nervous but i do like it. The next step is to possibly change the colour but one step at a time. The new me begins ?

H came over to pick up his post and looked completely shocked to see my new look, he wanted to know why i hadnt told him i was going to do it so i just said ' i dont need to now do i?' he was shocked at that response but said that he really liked it, he also started to tell me that he and her had had a big barny the other night where he slept on the sofa and i just said i didnt really want to know about it, it was none of my concern and again he looked taken aback.

so i am getting stronger in some ways, havent cried at all today or last night.

have got a very busy week coming up at work so that will keep my mind off things as well.