I just do not know what to do

justjohn

tinatony1 wrote: »

"Why post on a public forum and ask for advice and peoples opinions if you cant handle honesty."Kitekat

i may be asking for advice but i dont think what you originally posted was particuarly constructive, i think you were going for the tough love position but i am sorry but i found it hurtful.

we all have our own opinions i just dont agree with yours

no hard feelings

Is this the way you deserve to be treated?
Is being emotionaly hurt/taken forgranted ok with you?
You know when things are not going rite in a relationship wether you are willing too face upto it is another matter or what you will do about it.

I did more or less on the face off it what your ex has done big difference is i told my partner for 3 years it was not working out.

worriedsik

tinatony1 wrote: »

with his dad going in hospital tomorrow i dont think i can do that at the moment, this whole thing with his mum and dad is making it much harder

god i hate this

Tina you are protecting everybody else except YOU

They are his parents , if you are that close to them write them a letter telling them (you would have liked to have been there for them but due to circumstances which you wont worry them about just now) you are unable to

Mely

Tina...i dont mean to be horrible, i really dont. But he has lied and deceived you, and now he is doing the same to the other woman by texting you when shes gone to bed, and giving you lifts that she doesnt know about. Could you truly be happy with this man if he came back to you? Would you have peace of mind in the long run when he`s not with you, or doesnt answer his phone? I really dont think that i would. I know you are grieving for what you had and what you have lost, but you really do have to cut ties with him as its prolonging your agony. You are worth so much more! Tell your mutual friends whats happened and talk to them about it, i am sure that they will give you 'real life' support, and help you get through this.
Mel x

Michelin

Mely wrote: »

Tina...i dont mean to be horrible, i really dont. But he has lied and deceived you, and now he is doing the same to the other woman by texting you when shes gone to bed, and giving you lifts that she doesnt know about. Could you truly be happy with this man if he came back to you? Would you have peace of mind in the long run when he`s not with you, or doesnt answer his phone? I really dont think that i would. I know you are grieving for what you had and what you have lost, but you really do have to cut ties with him as its prolonging your agony. You are worth so much more! Tell your mutual friends whats happened and talk to them about it, i am sure that they will give you 'real life' support, and help you get through this.
Mel x

All good advice and probably true but she loves him and is hoping the can get back together again. Until there is no hope of this, she will put up with it so she now needs to move the situation forward and manage it. She will not cut any ties yet while there is hope.

catlovin_gal11

Glad you are doing your best to cope. The haircut is a good idea too. I agree with Bogof-babe though-If he does come crawling back, some big issues need sorting with some professional help. I think he is in need of counselling more than you, by the sounds of it! Hang on in there, we are all behind you. By the way, do your Doctors do late appointments? Sometimes you can call in after work and wait-(That is if you still feel you need to go). Thinking of you

smartpicture

I did this for 8 months - let my ex go backwards and forwards between the two of us, begged him to come back on any terms, would have done anything because I loved him so much. When he was with her, he would be calling me, telling me he loved me, how much he missed, asking me to wait until he sorted his head out, and I so wanted to believe that he loved me and we had a future that I went along with it. Even when he was living with me, when he was out I'd be terrified, and every day when I came home I would run through the house checking if his stuff was there in case he'd gone back to her without telling me, but I thought it was worth it if ther was the smallest chance we'd end up together.

After 8 months of torture, I decided to go and talk to her myself. She was basically a nice lady, suffering the same way as I was, and being treated exactly as I was. When he was with me, he was chasing after her, trying to make her wait for him and saying he loved her - it was all so familiar, but hearing it from her lips, and seeing the tissue of lies his words were based on, made me realise just how pathetic it sounded and made me feel ashamed of myself for putting up with it.

I realised that he probably did love both of us to some degree, but he loved himself more, because he was putting his own needs first. He was never going to be strong enough to choose one of us and stick to it, so unless one of us changed things then it would go on forever. I called it death by a thousand cuts. So I cut him off completely, which was painfully agonising - but at least it was death by a single cut. Realising he was actually going to lose me, he dumped her and repeatedly begged me to come back to him - but it was too late. I could have forgiven the affair, but I realised I couldn't forgive how he'd treated me after it.

I understand completely you still wanting him, even though you know that you can't ever have what you had before. But it seems to me there are two choices:
1. You want him back at any price - in which case the best way to achieve this is to cut him off and start making a new life for yourself - until he realises he might actually lose you and has to do something about it, instead of feeling confident you're still sitting around being his backup plan.
2. You want to get over him - in which case the best way to achieve this is to cut him off and start making a new life for yourself - because you'll never get over him while he's still playing such a big role in your life.
What you're doing now won't achieve either of those things, sadly.

worriedsik

smartprice....wow wish i could have described the hurt like you just have and i love this

death by a thousand cuts......thats what its like pure torture

spot on

Bogof_Babe

The thing is, it is not set in stone that infidelity has to end in permanent separation. Look at Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor, or Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall. Stuff happens, people deal with it in whatever way suits them best, and move on.

If Tina wants to try every trick in the book to get her man back, who are we to tell her she's wrong?

If unmarried couples split up for a while then get back together, no-one bats an eyelid, so I don't know why everyone feels it has to be irreconcilable in Tina's case.

If he does come back, and if they can rebuild what they had and she learns in time to trust him again, everyone's a winner aren't they? He is fundamentally a good man who is having some sort of emotional crisis, not a wife beater.

salesaddict

Tina,

have you thought about going to see the other woman yourself as Smartpicture did ?

worriedsik

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

The thing is, it is not set in stone that infidelity has to end in permanent separation. Look at Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor, or Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall. Stuff happens, people deal with it in whatever way suits them best, and move on.

If Tina wants to try every trick in the book to get her man back, who are we to tell her she's wrong?

If unmarried couples split up for a while then get back together, no-one bats an eyelid, so I don't know why everyone feels it has to be irreconcilable in Tina's case.

If he does come back, and if they can rebuild what they had and she learns in time to trust him again, everyone's a winner aren't they? He is fundamentally a good man who is having some sort of emotional crisis, not a wife beater.

i agree with a lot off what you have said but at the same time he is beating her up (emotionally) & i think its now time to make a stand off some sort as this will make tina ill
i really cannot justify some off his actions ie: teling tina the other woman is paranoid ! txtin tina when the other woman has gone to bed ( & where he will be possibly joining her the same evening) ! sorry i cannot condone what he is doing