I just do not know what to do

tinatony1

Michelin wrote: »

I must admit, I was wondering this too. If he is living with another women, how come his friends don't know? I can't imagine the woman being happy that he is still taking you to pool. Surely they must go out as a couple? This is all so strange and if this really is the case, then it does sound as if he hasn't really made his mind up properly.

she doesnt know that he still takes me to pool, she moans when he used to text me goodnight, so now he does it when she has gone to bed?

they dont go out together as far as i know, he has never said apart from the odd thing with her family.

it is indeed very strange, can you understand why i still have this hope.

of course there is also the fact that his dad goes into hospital tomorrow and i know that this is really worrying him and probably partly why he is so angry with everything at the moment.

Puddings

Blimey I can wibble on...

x

Lunar_Eclipse

There is no way you can start to heal (ie the pain lessen or go away) whilst keeping this a secret. It just either won't happen, or will take multiple times as long.

You have no reason whatsoever for keeping this quiet, unlike your ex who will understandably be happy to go along with the status quo because it makes life a lot easier for him; no-one to answer to!

For God's sake, if you only do one thing, you should not be keeping this a secret. You truly are damaging yourself if you continue to do this.

I suspect you see it as admitting the relationship is over and that in some bizarre way it damages your dream of getting back together. It is no such thing.

Your faith (in your ex) is completely misplaced. Although I would (have) react differently in your shoes, I respect your need to handle this in your own way. There is no right or wrong way to handle this. But in your own words, I fear you are indeed deluded and losing a grip on reality.

Please get this out in the open before it causes you the breakdown you mentioned.

Puddings

I completely agree with everyone's opinions even though they can be completely opposite...thats what makes the whole thing so hard I guess.

Marcheline

Hi Tina, sorry to hear of your situation.

I can see why you have "hope" as you put it, because he is texting you goodnight still and seeing you, taking you to work etc. He may not just be being heartless by doing this, he may just think that it is acceptable behaviour, as I do not think you are being clear enough as to what you want or expect now that his infidelity is out in the open.

I will back this up by saying one thing jumped out at me earlier in the thread, the bit about when your husband said "you've given me the green light". This to me says that you have not made yourself clear enough to your husband. I know you gave him an ultimatum, but you have not really followed through with it because he is still in your life by texting you and taking you to work.

The way you are having to "keep it a secret" and not tell anyone would also back this up. I personally think your husband thinks that YOU are ok with a situation where he carries on between you two women. If you aren't, then you need to make it totally clear that there is to be no more contact between the two of you, no matter how much it hurts or how inconvenient it is.

geminilady

Hi Tina,I have been in a similar situation so really do know what you are going through.Although my husband and i were actualy seperated at the time(long story our house was reposessed and i had to seperate to get houseing for myself and children)anyway within six weeks he had moved in with someone else with hindsite i believe he must have been seeing her when we were together.I went through all the emotions you are going through thought i could not survive without him and was really close to a breakdown.I do believe he had feelings for both of us and was torn between us.To my shame i did let him go backward and forwards between us for a while,when he came back to me he told the other woman it was for the kids but obviously told me differant.Anyway this came to an end when the other woman got cancer so he ended up staying with her.I can tell you that i never regained the trust i had in him, when he was with me everytime he went out i was worried he had gone to her this was worse in a way than being seperated and i would not wish it on anyone.I want you to think long and hard how you would feel if he did come back,how would you KNOW it was over with the other women,if he has cheated once he can do it again,what if you had children and it happened?not only would you have to deal with your pain but theirs.I told my three year old daddy had gone to live in another house can you imagine how hard that was?Anyway i did get over it and we even remained friends but i would have saved myself an awful lot of pain if i had just let him go in the first place.

Bogof_Babe

Tina, he is already being dishonest with her, e.g. texting you when she's gone to bed, and meeting you in secret. I can guarantee you one thing, whether you get him back or not this "fling" won't last very long. She is so obviously NOT the love of his life, that I have no doubt he is already wondering what the hell he has got himself into.

So for that reason alone I think you are right to play it cool and keep your powder dry, because if you haven't turned nasty (as you would be quite entitled to do) there is more chance of him admitting his mistake and coming back to you with his tail between his legs.

I would put money on the fact that he is dead miserable already, but doesn't know what to do next.

tamlem

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Tina, he is already being dishonest with her, e.g. texting you when she's gone to bed, and meeting you in secret. I can guarantee you one thing, whether you get him back or not this "fling" won't last very long. She is so obviously NOT the love of his life, that I have no doubt he is already wondering what the hell he has got himself into.

So for that reason alone I think you are right to play it cool and keep your powder dry, because if you haven't turned nasty (as you would be quite entitled to do) there is more chance of him admitting his mistake and coming back to you with his tail between his legs.

I would put money on the fact that he is dead miserable already, but doesn't know what to do next.

But at the moment why would he need or want to do that because he, to all intents and purposes, has both women at his beck and call. Talk about have your cake and eat it!

In order to see whether you really have a future with this man (if you still want one) I think you need to make it clear that he has lost you in order for him to decide if he wants to fight to get you back.

Right now it seems he knows you are there even though he has his other woman too. What a great situation for him? Why would he want to change anything about that. All he needs to do is chuck in a few comments to you about doubts about this other woman to keep you hanging on and im sure he tells the other woman how there is no chance that he will ever go back to you too.

I'm sorry i do feel for you but i agree that tough love is needed now if you ever want to move on with your life, be that with him or without him.

maggied_2

Oh Tina - I do understand why you have hope and also see why you aren't telling people - because it would bring a finality which you don't want.

However I'm not sure why your H would want to make any changes at this point.

He's staying the night with his new woman. He's seeing you, his wife, behind her back. You've even been good enough to keep your mouth shut so he doesn't have any explaining to do to his friends or family. In return you get a lift to work.

Is the bus fare honestly that expensive? - because I think your self esteem must be more valuable than that.

Again I understand that you have to make your own decision and you're saying you're doing what you're doing to make yourself feel better.

What you're actually doing in clinging on to the wreckage in the hope that your H will realise what a terrible mistake he's made.

I feel for you, I really do - the anguish in what you write here is quite tangible but I think you need to ask yourself for how much longer you can allow this to go on. What if this is still the situation in a year's time?

I don't mean to be horrible but you're making all the sacrifices here - not only has your H done the dirty on you, he's left you but is holding on to the security of having you around.

I dearly hope you're not being held there as an insurance policy.....I sadly suspect this is the case.

ETA - sorry cross posted with you Tamlem - wasn't intentionally trying to make exactly the same point

kitekat

tinatony1 wrote: »

well thanks for your truly 'Honest' opinion, i can only assume from your post that such a hurtful thing has never happened to you.

you are correct in saying that i dont want him to be with me out of pity however black and white it is to you love that has lasted 11 years does not just disappear in the blink of an eye, maybe i am deluding myself to an extent but if it makes the pain and the situation easier for me take who can say that it is wrong

perhaps it would be better in your opinion if i just let the whole thing wash over me and have a complete breakdown ? would that be better for my self respect

Why post on a public forum and ask for advice and peoples opinions if you cant handle honesty.