I just do not know what to do

Puddings

Hi Tina,

I've followed your story all the way through but haven't been able to post.

I'm in a similar position, though not married, and the 'other woman/women' were in cyber space although it hurts just as much as if it were 'real life'. I moved out when I found out and, after a break, we had been 'dating' for the last 9 months to see if we could work it out but in the last week I've decided I just can't deal with it. I love him so much even after everything he's done but my friends can't understand that, they can't understand I'd take him back in a heartbeat if I could just erase my memory! Another thing is I can forgive what he did (various issues we had - v long story) but I just can't forget, the trust is gone. We have stopped contact although he does text me occasionally to tell me he loves me and will always be waiting just in case I change my mind, I don't reply and try to keep busy. I miss him so much - its going be a lonely xmas.

Sorry for hijacking but ultimately I just wanted you to know you're not alone in how you're feeling and that I really really hope that this gets better (in whatever way that may be) for both of us.

Oh and I have been to the Doctor after hitting rock bottom and its made a difference even just over the last few days...

Thinking of you x

tinatony1

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

If you are still going to pool together then I assume "she" is not tagging along! Presumably your mutual friends are now in the picture? I can only imagine they must be thinking what the heck is he playing at, and perhaps they might even be saying as much to him.

It may add to his feelings that he has made a big mistake. We can only hope so.

No she does not go at all, none of our friends know anything at all in fact no one else does

tinatony1

Puddings wrote: »

Hi Tina,

I've followed your story all the way through but haven't been able to post.

I'm in a similar position, though not married, and the 'other woman/women' were in cyber space although it hurts just as much as if it were 'real life'. I moved out when I found out and, after a break, we had been 'dating' for the last 9 months to see if we could work it out but in the last week I've decided I just can't deal with it. I love him so much even after everything he's done but my friends can't understand that, they can't understand I'd take him back in a heartbeat if I could just erase my memory! Another thing is I can forgive what he did (various issues we had - v long story) but I just can't forget, the trust is gone. We have stopped contact although he does text me occasionally to tell me he loves me and will always be waiting just in case I change my mind, I don't reply and try to keep busy. I miss him so much - its going be a lonely xmas.

Sorry for hijacking but ultimately I just wanted you to know you're not alone in how you're feeling and that I really really hope that this gets better (in whatever way that may be) for both of us.

Oh and I have been to the Doctor after hitting rock bottom and its made a difference even just over the last few days...

Thinking of you x

you havent hijacked at all, i am so sorry you are also going through this horrible feeling, there really is nothing that could prepare you for it is there,
i am sure that i am probably going about this all the wrong way but i must have missed the class on this when i was at school ?
but at the end of the day i still have the hope that he will wake up and realise what a pratt he has been and come back, i know that it may not work but at least i will have been given the chance to try, because that is what i want, i want to know that we have given it our best shot and not just given up because it seemed easier.

you take care, you can always pm me if you need to have a whinge or a moan
xxxxx
tina

ZarZar1990

Hope you're okay Tina, I can fully understand the fact that you need the chance to at least try and give it another go.

My OH left me, in similar circumstances to you, I was heartbroken, I convinced him to come back to try again, he did, after a year of trying, the love was gone and I had to leave.

This was 2 years ago, and I don't regret leaving, but I know that without him coming back to try, it would have taken longer to get over him...

Although I would have still gotten over him eventually, you're doing really well Tina, and I wish you the best, I understand how you feel.

kitekat

OP what a strange situation you are in.Your ex has moved in with another woman and you now step into the role of mentor/councillor/emotional baggage collector,not only that but you take a lift to work from him.You are allowing him to make a complete fool of you,how long are you going to be his puppet on a string?you cannot make someone love or want to be with you and the last thing you want is for someone to be with you out of pity.I have to agree with the poster who said you only thank people who tell you what you want to hear,thats not reality and you cant run from it.You need to salvage some self respect re your ex and see him for what he truly is,a coward.

tinatony1

kitekat wrote: »

OP what a strange situation you are in.Your ex has moved in with another woman and you now step into the role of mentor/councillor/emotional baggage collector,not only that but you take a lift to work from him.You are allowing him to make a complete fool of you,how long are you going to be his puppet on a string?you cannot make someone love or want to be with you and the last thing you want is for someone to be with you out of pity.I have to agree with the poster who said you only thank people who tell you what you want to hear,thats not reality and you cant run from it.You need to salvage some self respect re your ex and see him for what he truly is,a coward.

well thanks for your truly 'Honest' opinion, i can only assume from your post that such a hurtful thing has never happened to you.

you are correct in saying that i dont want him to be with me out of pity however black and white it is to you love that has lasted 11 years does not just disappear in the blink of an eye, maybe i am deluding myself to an extent but if it makes the pain and the situation easier for me take who can say that it is wrong

perhaps it would be better in your opinion if i just let the whole thing wash over me and have a complete breakdown ? would that be better for my self respect

Joelleski

I've read your thread, but refrained from posting until now. I feel for you, I really do, and whilst it's lovely to see you are getting lots of support from the good folk on this board, you really do need to share this with your (mutual?) friends in real life too (you said they don't know?). I'm sure they can also help you with the support you so desperately need.
Good luck hun, I haven't been through what you are experiencing, but it would rip me apart if my hubby did the same thing to me, and I know I wouldn't be able to let go either ..

Bogof_Babe

tinatony1 wrote: »

No she does not go at all, none of our friends know anything at all in fact no one else does

Well you are both bluddy good actors then. How on earth can you (and especially him) keep acting normal with your friends, while all this is going on? (Rhetorical question, no need to answer!).

I wouldn't be surprised if at least some of your friends have twigged but are keeping diplomatically quiet about it.

Michelin

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Well you are both bluddy good actors then. How on earth can you (and especially him) keep acting normal with your friends, while all this is going on? (Rhetorical question, no need to answer!).

I wouldn't be surprised if at least some of your friends have twigged but are keeping diplomatically quiet about it.

I must admit, I was wondering this too. If he is living with another women, how come his friends don't know? I can't imagine the woman being happy that he is still taking you to pool. Surely they must go out as a couple? This is all so strange and if this really is the case, then it does sound as if he hasn't really made his mind up properly.

Puddings

tinatony1 wrote: »

well thanks for your truly 'Honest' opinion, i can only assume from your post that such a hurtful thing has never happened to you.

you are correct in saying that i dont want him to be with me out of pity however black and white it is to you love that has lasted 11 years does not just disappear in the blink of an eye, maybe i am deluding myself to an extent but if it makes the pain and the situation easier for me take who can say that it is wrong

perhaps it would be better in your opinion if i just let the whole thing wash over me and have a complete breakdown ? would that be better for my self respect

I think Kitekat is just giving her opinion - this is the opinion I get from my mates who have seen me constantly in pain for the last year or more so I can see where she's coming from but I know exactly where you are in the process and I always thought if he cheated then I'm off without a backward glance - not so easy when it actually happens.

I had to 'give it another go', I couldn't let go and give up and I think its something you have to go through or, in my case, I'd always be wondering what if...now I'm two weeks after ending the 'trying' and I do feel I've made the right decision (some days) I also believe in the whole what will be will be thing and if I'm meant to be with him in the future then it will happen, if I'm not I'll meet someone else..

I think this process we go through is like the grieving process. We have lost someone. I'm guessing denial is the first step? No idea what stage I'm at now; I swing from 'being ok and a weight has lifted cos I'm not stressing that he's still up to no good' to 'was our whole relationship a lie' to 'we'll get back together and life will be great again'.

Blimey I seem to be quite level headed today! I cried myself to sleep last night though so I know its a rollercoaster..

Isn't it wierd - I can give advice but I don't follow it myself!

Oh, I had my haircut into a completely new style last week - chopped short and I got lots of compliments always makes you feel good. At this stage I'm going to spend some time chilling out and doing whatever I want to do whether thats cry my heart to a chick flick or hit the town with some girlfriends - not that there are that many available cos they're all married with kids blah blah blah..

We have to do what we have to do (and I should be doing some work!)

Puds x