I just do not know what to do

Wol2

tinatony1 wrote: »

I am not good at all today, i am really dreading the weekend, i just dont know what to do so i end up watching crappy tv all day. i am really beginning to doubt if i can actually do this, my every thought is of him and how i miss him so much, i miss the closeness of another person.

i thought it would get better and easier but it doesnt it has just got harder and harder

Hi Tina

You CAN do this..it just doesn;t feel like it at the moment.

Yes - it will be harder now sweetheart....but only for a while. .
Throughout the last few weeks you have acted with dignity and courage and fought for what you wanted. And all that time you had the hope that your love would win out and he would come back. Unfortunately he has now made his decision, and your logical mind is saying you have to give up that hope and get on with things. Your heart/emotions however have other ideas (and will do so for quite a period of time).You have suffered an overwhelming emotional shock and I am so sorry it has turned out this way for you.
:grouphug::grouphug:

Sounds like you are used to "getting on with things" and that may still be the best way for you to cope with what has happened.....but if at the moment it doesn;t seem possible, please don;t beat yourself up with a big stick. Sometimes, there may come a time in someone's life where they feel completely and utterly emotionally overwhelmed due to circumstances or events...it's not necessarily predictable and can come as quite a surprise/shock, especially if they are used to being the strong capable person who is always giving to others.

The only support I can offer in response to your post is based upon my own experience of my shocking "first week" - isolated, devastated, massive weight loss in a short space of time....and extremely scared that for the first time in my 46 years of life I didn;t seem to have control of my emotions or myself any more.

Give your emotions full permission to just "be". Cry until you can cry no more. Drink water. Then cry again. As you don;t have a suitable pet, have you got a teddy bear or suitable other furry thing that provides you with a feeling of comfort to cry with -
If you feel angry, get another soft toy representing the person (moose or otherwise) and "do the necessary" . Both helped me.

Think about him as much as you want - it will be difficult not to (and that will be doubly hard if you still remain in contact with him but that is your choice)......but try to set aside a specific period of time during the day when you WON'T think about him but concentrate on doing something to keep you occupied. It might just be 15 minutes at first. Gradually the amount of "painful" time thinking about him will become less (will take a while...:o) as you start to let him and the dream go and the place they are given in your emotional space enables it to resume its rightful balance.

Please see your GP - they can advise whether you should go into work ( whatever the short staff situation at the moment YOU and your health come first.so the decision needs to be what is right for YOU......)..they might offer you pills (I refused) and they might refer you to a counsellor who can help you through the next few weeks. (mine was wonderful)

Watching crappy TV is absolutely fine.......your mind has a lot to cope with at the moment and this is it's way of generating some breathing space. So please don;t beat yourself up about it. If all you do is set one task to achieve each day, even if at first it is just making the bed or eating something, then you are making progress. You might also consider a walk in an open space (preferably with the sun on your face if weather permits) or some gentle exercise (you have a lost a lot of weight very quickly and aren't eating properly) . If you can;t eat, please at least try and take some vitamins.

You are NOT alone even though it feels like it. Please do not be afraid to seek support and a chat from the lovely people on MSE. The posters on your thread are testament to the fact you are much loved and cared about.:A
And contrary to popular belief, you don;t have to be feeling suicidal to ring the Samaritans. They were a great help to me - especially in the wee small hours - to just be able to pick up the phone and speak to someone to break the isolation and loneliness.

Please understand I'm just posting the above in response to your "here and now" feelings and basically saying "it's alright to feel this way" :grouphug:

And, as has been so often said to me,.....take one day at a time until you feel stronger....don;t push yourself too hard too soon by setting too many targets...Baby steps Tina....you CAN and WILL get through this and your friends here on MSE will support you every step of the way :kisses3:

Much love
Wol2
xxx

tinatony1

Thank you so much Wol2

i am trying to take thing a minute at a time, i had a lovely bubble bath this morning and cried for every minute i was in it, the sun was shining this morning so i went outside to have a smoke in my dressing gown and cried then as well.

i am trying to eat but i absolutley have no appetite at all, i force myself to eat something but there is no joy in food anymore, nothing appeals, we used to love different types of food and i used to love cooking it but there seems little point at the moment.

everyone on here has been the greatest help to me i really dont know what i would have done without you all, i will try to get an appointment to see a doctor this week, i have had depression before and i know that i am there again but it can take awhile to do something about it, when everything is so black it just overwhelms you.

thank you again xxxxxx

Morglin

It's an old cliche, but time is the great healer - give it time, and one day you will wonder what you ever saw in him.

Best wishes.

Lin

catlovin_gal11

Hi Tinatony. Sending you warmest hugs. Like all on here thinking about you. Hoping you can find something today to cheer you up a little. Think the trashy magazine route and a nice cup of coffee/hot chocolate might be a good idea. By all means go to the Doctor, but ask if he can recommend some alternative therapists. Cognitive Behaviour therapy might be helpful to put things in pespective or even speaking to a good psychologist who might be able to make you realise you will be Ok, it's all about changing how you view yourself and what has happened. Talking to a Counsellor of some sort will get a lot of ill feeling off your chest as that is what is making you feel so awful at the moment. A friend of mine is a Counsellor/Therapist and she gets a lot of good feedback from people who have had some awful things happen to them and have said how talking things through with someone who is not judgemental helps a lot. I don't know how I can help further, but I'm here like the others if you want to chat, or e-mail me if you want to. Sending you love and healing.XXX:hello:

Mely

Tina... i dont know what advice i can add, as everyone has given such excellent advice to you.
I just wanted to say that i am still thinking of you, keep going you will get through this.
Im glad that you are going to the Drs next week, its a big step and you will get help there.
Sending you lots of love,
Mel x

salesaddict

Hello Tina,

hope you are ok. Did you go to the Doctor's or think anymore about doing so?
Thinking of you and wishing you well. xx

tinatony1

havent been able to get to doctors yet, we have exams on at work so i cant get away, i did have another appointment with the CAB this morning which went ok(about the debt thing)

the good news is that i am trying to be so strong and am sort of succeeding, after the really bad weekend i am doing ok, i am still seeing H but 99% of the time it is calm and ok, he seems to be having doubts about her and from what he has said to me she is rather paranoid about stuff.

but i am hopefully going to get a new haircut on saturday, i am going for a new look, new me? who knows?

i am sure i will still have bad days, i know i will but i will deal with it in my way

Bogof_Babe

I think the weekend will have been your lowest point, so now that's out of the way you will gradually start to cope a bit better with each day that passes.

You now need to start considering what you will do if OH decides he has made a big mistake and begs you to take him back. Obviously you will want to jump at the chance, but I'd be sure to extract some kind of agreement to go to counselling with you to get to the bottom of what made it happen and whether it is likely to happen again. He will obviously tell you what he thinks you want to hear, but I think you deserve more than that after what he has put you through.

maggied_2

Hi Tina!

How you doing lovely lady?

You do sound a wee bit more positive and am glad you've been to the CAB. Doing practical things always helps!

So how come you're still seeing H? Not preaching but is that the best idea? - I don't see how it's helping you to hear about his problems with the new woman. Are they living together now?
And of course she's paranoid....she's nicked off with a married man.

Isn't there a saying about "when a man marries his mistress a vacancy is created".....?

Anyway - as I said, not having a go. I just know how hard I found it to move on from my XH when I was still in contact. We also split up this time of year and I was quite overwhelmed by how much time I suddenly had to myself to fill. Even planning days out, going to the cinema, running errands barely seemed to eat into the time.

Christmas was rubbish - I actually wanted to go and help out at a homeless place near us but my family refused to let me (good of them I suppose although I was a bit narked at the time!!) but in the time between Christmas Day and NYE I was still on my own a fair bit.
I sat one night, put on some really nice music and wrote him a letter. Not a nasty one - but it helped me to let go of all the swirling cr*p in my head. I did actually post it as well (there was nothing in there I regret saying!) but it made a huge difference. Once the new year was in and January had started I really started to move on. I finally got round to things like finishing the bathroom and redecorating, got in touch with friends who I'd been completely rubbish with (due to him controlling me so much....cringe!) and accepted every invitation going.
You are going to feel rubbish for a while which you are completely entitled to do - don't beat yourself up about it.

Once day the darkness will lift - it just takes time (rather annoyingly:))

Chin up anyway
Much love C

jenhug

Have you considered volunteer work over christmas?