I just do not know what to do

Michelin

tinatony1 wrote: »

she doesnt know that he still takes me to pool, she moans when he used to text me goodnight, so now he does it when she has gone to bed?

they dont go out together as far as i know, he has never said apart from the odd thing with her family.

it is indeed very strange, can you understand why i still have this hope.

of course there is also the fact that his dad goes into hospital tomorrow and i know that this is really worrying him and probably partly why he is so angry with everything at the moment.

Yes I can understand why you still have hope Tina. However, you must have some plan here - surely he can't just keep doing this as it is not fair to you or the other woman. I know a couple of weks back that he said he wanted to be with her but his behaviour suggests that he doesn't really know what he wants. It might be better to not actually see each other keep contact by phone/text if you want - but he needs to see who it is that he wants and not sure he can do that while he is seeing you both?

tinatony1

"Why post on a public forum and ask for advice and peoples opinions if you cant handle honesty."Kitekat

i may be asking for advice but i dont think what you originally posted was particuarly constructive, i think you were going for the tough love position but i am sorry but i found it hurtful.

we all have our own opinions i just dont agree with yours

no hard feelings

justjohn

he is treating you like carp...you just do not realise it yet ...One day you will.

Each to there own. Why not just level with him and say you are willing to let him have his bread buttered on both sides.

Some women do think this is ok. Some women think they are to good for that.
Men are just the same.

Trick is knowing who,what,how you are... And why we do things the way we do...

Sorry if this does not make much sense.

All i am saying is one day all will be clear ( you will wake up and smell the coffee), Be it that this sittuation is normal and fine for you or that you are getting the pee takin out of you.

Puddings

I agree with tamlem and maggied, I kind of wish I hadn't 'tried' and just left him on his own to realise what he wanted and how badly he'd behaved. My situation is slightly different in that he hasn't gone to another woman though.

Your H has to realise he wants you and I do believe the having the cake and eating it too scenario - I think thats what I let my ex OH do for a while (oh thats the first time I've said ex) but I also know exactly what you are trying to do cos I did it myself. I know he loves me, maybe not enough though or in the way he should or he wouldn't have done it, but I have no idea how he will ever prove that to me and when he is not with me I'm always wondering what he's 'up to'.

Tina, I think you should take some time out for yourself but you need to be ready to do that, I've tormented myself for about 9 months now but thats what I had to do for me I guess. I don't know if any of that makes sense..

I am very close to his family so whether good or bad I dont know yet, I'll always be 'linked' to him.

I also think it is easier to talk on a forum - although my friends know now - but I felt like I was the failure AND a mug for keeping him though I should know that its not my fault.

We have so many conflicting emotions!!

tinatony1

Michelin wrote: »

Yes I can understand why you still have hope Tina. However, you must have some plan here - surely he can't just keep doing this as it is not fair to you or the other woman. I know a couple of weks back that he said he wanted to be with her but his behaviour suggests that he doesn't really know what he wants. It might be better to not actually see each other keep contact by phone/text if you want - but he needs to see who it is that he wants and not sure he can do that while he is seeing you both?

with his dad going in hospital tomorrow i dont think i can do that at the moment, this whole thing with his mum and dad is making it much harder

god i hate this

worriedsik

Tina

Ok i hear you..i know where you are comming from honestly i do, infact i made such an A** off myself over ex that i was left with no dignity nor self esteem, in the bitter end i had to take the bull by the horns & claw back some dignity ( hurts like nothing on earth but i would rather get it over with than drip feed myself hurt ) thats me though & i had to bring it on

I can see that you are clinging to the wreckage & i understand that too
Soo.....is it time for another ultimatum ? ????

Can you not even tell him you dont want/need or deserve to hear about his new womans faults ! infact tina a good ultimatum would be another dead line with no contact in between , no lifts to work, no pool nights with him untill he has made a decision, it pains me to advise this as personnaly his decision would have been made for him by now but you are intent on taking more so its maybee best to give him this other deadline ?

I just think you have to get this over with one way or other because it will be telling on your health & prolonging the agony whilst he has his cake
And i also wonder what he is moaning to her about in reg to you ? mmm & if i was her ( wouldnt be for all the tea in china ) but if i were her i would be asking him why he is still seeing you etc or does he not tell her ? he sounds deceitful to me

Yes i know you will think he isnt & that you will think he is a wonderfull person etc because you see the good in him that nobody else can see yep i have been there too.
Make another deadline tina like a deadline when people are going to give up the ciggys and get properly prepared this time mentally
x

Metranil_Vavin

hmm so he lies to you, and lies to her..he sounds great...a real catch.

Honestly i'm sorry for your pain...I've been there, been lied to and felt like my heart was breaking..it truely sucks to be deceived by the one you love, but honestly...try to take a step back..even if he leaves this other woman (which as another poster said he probably will), comes back to you, decalres undying love, berrates himself for being such a pillock and swears on everything going that he'll never do it again.........would you really, honestly, truely trust him again?

Are you sure you won't be paranoid everytime he goes out/doesn't answer his phone etc that he might..just might be doing it again with another woman?

Or maybe everytime you have a row bring it up again?

I really hope you find some closure with this, but I have to agree with the posters suggesting you make the break from him.

Michelin

tinatony1 wrote: »

with his dad going in hospital tomorrow i dont think i can do that at the moment, this whole thing with his mum and dad is making it much harder

god i hate this

Yes that is difficult Tina but no time is ever going to be right. Think about maybe talking to him at the weekend and decide on the next steps because although it seemed like he had made up his mind a couple of weeks ago, he clearly hasn't otherwise you would not be seeing each other and he would be settled with the other woman. I agree with what someone else said in that he may not know how to get out of this mess so you might need to take matters in hand. Perhaps tell him that you will not see him while he is sorting out his head and that way he will have to make a decision. You can keep in contact by text/phone if you want but you are going to have to be the one who pushes this forward Tina. He can't split his life between two women.

kitekat

tinatony1 wrote: »

"Why post on a public forum and ask for advice and peoples opinions if you cant handle honesty."Kitekat

i may be asking for advice but i dont think what you originally posted was particuarly constructive, i think you were going for the tough love position but i am sorry but i found it hurtful.

we all have our own opinions i just dont agree with yours

no hard feelings

Of course you dont agree with my opinion,its not wrapped up in cotton wool,nor what you want to hear.Honesty is and always will be my policy,its not my problem if people prefer to bury their heads in the sand.Denial seems to be your biggest enemy.

Metranil_Vavin

I think letting him stay in your life even though he's deceived and hurt you is probably easier right now as you are still in shock and mourning.

However longterm it's just not healthy. If you make it too easy for him to weedle his way back in, then what's to stop him doing it again?

My own opinion, and you are welcome to disagree, is to lay it straight with him and toughen up. Stop being so accomodating and soft, tell him you dont want to know about his other woman. Stop counselling him..it's ridiculously unfair of him to be doing this and he's not showing much empathy for the person he has been married to for the past 11 years.

Lay it on the line. Give him a deadline, and thats it. One more chance. And if he comes back to you, then make it clear that he is going to have to work his a*se off to regain your trust.

And if he decides to go with the other woman, then kiss him goodbye with dignity and cry/scream whatever you need to do with your friends/family until it's out of your system but don't weaken and go running after him.