I just do not know what to do

Eager_Elephant

Hi tinatony,

I have been reading your thread from the start but had nothing constructive to advise which had not already been said so just 'willed you on' quietly.

I live in Suffolk so probably not far from you, if you would like to meet for a coffee. Can only do the weekend as children poorly at the moment.

EE

mnc

Hi Tina, I'm so sorry to hear that things have not turned out as you hoped. I really feel for you having been through something similar myself. There has been some good advice on here and it really is a case of taking small steps every day to get to where you can start to think about moving on with your life. Do one thing for yourself every day that makes you feel happy or pampered, make a list of what needs to be sorted out and choose three a week to do and the rest of the time just do what you need to do to get through this in on piece!

I'm worried about the extra emotional baggage that is being put on top of you by having to keep this from his family. I can try and understand the reason for it but it really isn't helping you in the long run. Can you ask him to at least tell his sister and ask her not to inform the parents because at least then it means you are able to let work know? The last thing you need is work coming down on you if your performance is affected in any way.

Have you got any friends who you could get in touch with at all? When a similar thing happened to me I got in touch with a friend who I had known for a long time but we had lost touch because of me being so involved in my relationship. She was amazing and was on the end of the phone every day and we visited each other on consecutive weekends until I felt strong enough to be on my own again. (She lives in Manchester and I live near Norwich)

As mentioned above, I am in Norfolk too so if there is anything I can do please PM me. I'm not saying I'll have all the answers but I'm a very good listener!

Sending you a big hug,
Karen

Little_Mis-spent

Hi Tina

I have just read through this thread and I am so very, very sorry for what you're going through.

I have been in a similar situation to you, though some years ago now. I still remember exactly how awful I felt. I remember feeling ashamed. I thought that other people would think the reason ex-OH left me for another woman was because I wasn't good enough. I too wanted desperately to make the relationship work. I begged, pleaded. He left. He came back. I let him. After a week he left again. They moved in together. He continued to "visit" me for over a year. I let him. Every time I felt like I was getting one over on his new OH. Truth be told he was making fools of both of us. It's not something I'm proud of now, if I could turn back the clock I would never have let him anywhere near me after I found out there was someone else. No-one knows I behaved like this (well apart from ex I guess!). The only reason I'm sharing this now is because I want you to understand that I do know how utterly desperate you feel. You're not weak or stupid. You have nothing to feel ashamed about. The most important thing I learnt though was that I just couldn't move on whilst I was still seeing him. I was just confusing myself everytime. My ex well and truly played me and, I hate to say it but I have to be honest, I think yours is playing you too. Please don't allow him to torture you for as long as I let mine torture me.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make things better for you hon. I can't do that but I can tell you that it will get better. Not yet, but it will. I'm another believer that everything happens for a reason. I also believe that most things work out for the best eventually. They did for me but it took time. They will for you too.

Sending you the hugest hugs honey

xxxxx

ZarZar1990

Tina, I've been in a similar situation, I think 70% of women have...
You are going to be fine, you seem like such a lovely person, and you have all the support in the world on here.
You just need some recovery time, and follow the tips on here
xxx

worriedsik

tinatony1 wrote: »

i keep wandering aroung the house, having pretend conversations with him or myself, not quite sure who really.

the most stupid thing is i would still have him back, i keep having a dream where he turns up in the middle of the night begging my forgiveness

why doesnt he want me anymore

Tina

sorry it never worked out in your favour tina, i think you must have knew it wouldnt but you were just hoping upon hope & thats understandable & you had to go there
Now however you really have to put yourself first , it is you now that is the most important in all off this.
Do not let him help you through this (what an insult) it was him that put you in this mess and he only wants to do that so as to make him feel less guilty, do not take the guilt away from him let him feel guilty as he should do

You have enough on your plate without taking his burden from him !
you have nothing to be ashamed off whatsoever i beg you to keep him away from you now and concentrate on geting yourself through this in whichever way you can which does not involve the perpetrator
please do not string yourself out any longer tina , difficult i know but start right now or as soon as you can , good advice above in reg to geting hair done etc ( but do it for you not for him ) payback will come in the form off moving on tina, what goes around comes around karma etc
do not waste your time dreaming about him coming back and begging your forgiveness he does not deserve you, dream instead about getting stronger so that you can have a good life xx

digitalphase

Nothing constructive to add, but I've read the whole thread, and just wanted to send you some cyber hugs :grouphug:

I hope things work out for you as you sound such a nice person, who has been treated/is being treated so terribly badly, by the last person who should be doing it.

Stay strong, you have a lot of support on here

maggied_2

Hi Tina
I'm so sorry you didn't get the outcome you wanted. I understand why you are feeling in such turmoil at the moment and would wholeheartedly agree with the advice to take things one very small step at a time.

I realise how difficult things are with work but I think you should tell his sister. Why are you carrying this burden round when you have so much else to deal with? It's his responsibility now. Obviously I know you still care for his parents but you've got enough on your plate right now.

Work must be difficult but you might find (I did in hindsight) that the routine and contact with other people (whether you like them or not ) keeps you going a bit. If you take time off it gives you a lot of thinking time...not necessarily a good thing.

As for him 'helping you' with this. He can't help you - he's just trying to asuage his guilt. Take a very deep breath, pull your shoulders back and tell him you don't need his help right now. It'll hurt, but not as much as if you look back and cringe if you make yourself vulnerable to him.

Your are going to feel rubbish for a while. Accept that and allow yourself to grieve. There will come a day when you start to feel a little brighter (honestly) and will start to come to terms with this terrible shock. That may be a way off so for now just get through a day at a time and take care of yourself. Indulge yourself if you want to - crappy films and toast in bed, getting up at the crack of dawn to go for a walk, go and see a film he wouldn't have wanted to...

You will get through this - you sound like such a lovely person and you really don't deserve this.

Keep in touch - lots of people have your back here.

C xxxx

zztopgirl

Just to add too, the importance of no contact, this has been very helpful for me and i can understand why it is promoted on relationship sites.

Tina, it will hurt like H3ll but you must break contact with him, try and look for another job if you can, dont let him see you at all. You know me from my pm's, but some nights i am desparate to ring him just to hear his voice and hope he will back down, big huge massive worst thing i could ever do!!! It will prolong your pain and agony, you can start moving forward with your life as of now. The more you keep in contact with him, the longer the pain will go on for. Wish there was more i could do for you, wish i could come round and give you a hug.

Im here for you anytime:A

tinatony1

How do you deal with the feeling of isolation though, weekends and nights are the worst when i often dont speak to another human being at all,
this is so alien to me, we were always together or with others, even when we werent together i would speak to him at least once or twice a day.

tinatony1

I dont think i did, i havent been swimming since i was about 15, not sure i would remember how anymore.

the thing as money is so tight there arent many options as bus fares to anywhere etc on top of costs etc just arent really possible