I just do not know what to do

Money_maker

tinatony1 wrote: »

He says he wants to help me through this, and i just keep thinking that the only way he can do that is to stop it.

He cant. He's made his decision, sorry but you need to cut him right out of your life or you will never move on. All the giving you lifts etc. before saturday need to stop. You gave him an ultimatum, he chose. No reason required, please don't try to psychoanalyse why he made the decision he did.

I know I sound really harsh but I can see how emotionally involved you are and you cannot even start to get over this until you withdraw and accept. There doesn't have to be a reason for why he doesn't love you anymore and you are just torturing yourself.

Love and hugs x

CaroLondon

tinatony1 wrote: »

I cant tell work whats is really going on as i work with one of his sisters and as we are not telling his mum and dad ( because of his dads operation) yet i cant say anything to anyone else, to be honest i dont want to because i feel so ashamed by it all

Perhaps you should tell his sister, explain that you would rather she kept it to herself until everything is sorted with his Dad, while all the advice and support you have received here is amazing, you really do need to talk to someone "real".

You didn't lie, you didn't cheat, so you have NOTHING to be ashamed of, you were just let down by some who you gave your heart to.

So take your time, mope, cry, scream, get drunk, eat nothing but ice-cream for a month.

Then..... take your heart back! Its not broken, mearly damaged and with a bit of strength, belief, confidence and learning to love yourself it will heal, and one day you will find that you are strong enough to perhaps give it to someone else and all that is left from this miserable time is a littlle scar, that will always be there to remind you what you came through and how much stronger you are now.

Take care x

mummy_Jay

I can understand you don't want to tell his sister before his parents but you should at least speak to your boss about this as I doubt you can hide how your feeling, they may be able to give you some support.

Next, I want you to think of something you can do for yourself today, maybe putting your fav tunes on an mp3 player and going for a run, watching a specific tv show you love, cooking something you really love to eat, reading a book. Then tomorrow try and think of something to get you out of the house, maybe a trip to the library, a walk in the park. Then as the week goes on try and think of ways to get you socialising a little maybe an evening class, salsa dancing, yoga, something where you will have other people around you where its something new, something just for you once a week. All of this is going to help you remember who you are, you need to remember who you are, so you can find the strength to cope.

You need to eat and look after yourself but your not going to feel like it, so you have to push yourself, even if you end up living on fruit and cornflakes, you must look after yourself.

I also want you to think about something you've always wanted to do, a trip somewhere , a sport, seeing a show. Something you can aim for, you need to change your focus for a while until you can cope with whats going on and by the time you get to that point you may find your already coping.

But you must do these things for yourself, he can not be a part of you healing, the more he is around the harder it will be and I'm sorry but I think thats what he wants you at the end of a string incase he gets bored. Don't wait at the end of a string, go and be you, totally you, don't wait for him to come crawling back, go and be you, if he does, make your decision then once you have found you again you will not feel a need for him so you will be able to make a clear decision. Whilst you have this fear/need for him, your reacting to a fear of being alone and not thinking about if its actually right for you. (sorry waffling a bit but hopefully you get the idea of what I'm saying)

tinatony1

i know all of the things i should be doing and i know all of the things i would be telling other people to be doing but when its yourself it just doesnt make sense

i know i am being weak and i dont want to be but i dont see the point to anything anymore
i realise this is part of the grieving process but ******* hell it hurts, i want to scream, cry, shout, run away, disappear, anything so that i dont have to deal with it

i keep thinking about christmas, even though we wouldnt have had a lot of money i was going to make it the best one ever, i was going to make it happy and now i will be spending it all alone and i wont cook and i wont have a happy time
i am also so aware that there are so many more people out there who really do have it bad and who are worse off than me and that makes me feel like i am whinging and i dont want to be like that

i keep seeing him with her in my head and i hate it, i hate it.

sorry to go on

CaroLondon

There are two ways you can handle this

A) Getting him back

• Give yourself a time limit to mope (ie. 2 weeks) then stop!
• Go to the gym, take up swiming, walking, anything to give you bit of a glow.
• Get your hair done, if its long cut it short, if your blonde go brunette just something different
• Go and find some people (they dont have to be BFF's just people to go out and have fun with (even if it is just pretending to have fun to start with)
• Show him what he is missing out

Harsh, but being a wimp and feeling sorry for yourself is not attractive, you need him to think "wow, she has changed"

Pulling yourself together

• Give yourself a time limit to mope (ie. 2 weeks) then stop!
• Go to the gym, take up swiming, walking, anything to give you bit of a glow.
• Get your hair done, if its long cut it short, if your blonde go brunette etc just something different
• Go and find some people (they dont have to be BFF's just people to go out and have fun with (even if it is just pretending to have fun to start with)

Harsh, but being a wimp and feeling sorry for yourself is not productive, you need to be able to look in a mirror and to think "wow, I have changed"

I know it is all advice as old as the hills, but it's still given because it works!

Which ever way to decide to tackle things, you need to make a start somewhere and if you start with A, you might just find yourself (literally!) and end up doing B just because you can!

specialK

I have not been on here for a while, I have just read your whole thread.
What an awful time you have had. Everything you are feeling is normal, you have been kicked in the teeth...then kicked some more. You will be growing stronger with each day, even though you may not see it at the minute.

One day you will realise that you are well rid of him, can you honestly see yourself in five years time, if he chose you?? I would think you would have grown to resent him for what he put you through. He really does not deserve you. You deserve someone who puts you up on a pedastal, at all times.....not putting you second to some little floozy!

One day, you will wake up and wonder how you let yourself feel so upset by it all, then you will grow to understand that it isn't your fault and that you have nothing to be ashamed of. You will look at him with pity, ok, probably still hold a candle for him, but as you are all too fully aware, you can't just switch your feelings off. There will be days that you hate him too.....it really is like a bereavement...you are just going through the motions of grief and loss. We are always stronger than we actually think we are, there is always someone going through the pain of losing a loved one or an aquaintance....life goes on. Even when our world seems to be growing darker....the sun always glistens and one day it will shine again.

You can always come here for support. One day you will read this thread back and you won't recognise yourself! You will be the strong, independent woman you once were, only what you have gone through will make you all the more stronger!

I'm not going to tell you to stop feeling so weak, it is part of your recovery and I think the longer it takes, the batter you will feel in the long run. You will know when it's time to start being positive again, it could be something you come to in time, even a comment that you hear.

You should be soooo proud of how you have dealt with all this, even popping back on here, you are getting it all off your chest.....you don't really need a face to face conversation, sometimes they can be a bit too emotional!

I would suggest music and a little tipple, laugh....cry....drink...dance....laugh...cry some more, roll around the floor crying, then have a little dance.

I wish you all the very best in the days and weeks that come, you really sound like a wonderful lady, even in the face of adversity you show loyalty. He is not worthy of what you can give.....you deserve someone who can give you this.

Good luck, sweet cheeks.
xxx

BilberryCharlotte

tinatony1 wrote: »

I dont have anyone i can talk to

i tried to tell him that i dont understand how Love can just disappear and i dont and he cant or wont tell me why he feels like he does

The thing is, you can`t help who you fall in love with. You can`t and neither can he. He is at fault for being deceitful and for playing with your emotions by stringing you along. I actually wonder if he is the lovely man you are telling us he is, he sounds like a manipulative control freak to me, with nothing much about him at all!

You know there are always people on here who want to help. We may have varying advice, but it is all well meant.

As for Christmas, have you thought of helping out at a homeless shelter or something along those lines? You may find you are amongst people who are so grateful for the basics in life, but still have humour, might put things in a little perspective for you. That is a few weeks away yet though, just do what helps you for now.

At least you have somewhere to live at the moment a girlfriend of my sons was living with her boyfriend, she got home from uni one night and found him in bed with another woman, he had put her stuff in a bin bag and just said he didn`t want her any more. She was living rough for quite a few nights (we didn`t know her then) There is always someone worse off. x

tinatony1

mummy_Jay wrote: »

I can understand you don't want to tell his sister before his parents but you should at least speak to your boss about this as I doubt you can hide how your feeling, they may be able to give you some support.

Next, I want you to think of something you can do for yourself today, maybe putting your fav tunes on an mp3 player and going for a run, watching a specific tv show you love, cooking something you really love to eat, reading a book. Then tomorrow try and think of something to get you out of the house, maybe a trip to the library, a walk in the park. Then as the week goes on try and think of ways to get you socialising a little maybe an evening class, salsa dancing, yoga, something where you will have other people around you where its something new, something just for you once a week. All of this is going to help you remember who you are, you need to remember who you are, so you can find the strength to cope.

You need to eat and look after yourself but your not going to feel like it, so you have to push yourself, even if you end up living on fruit and cornflakes, you must look after yourself.

I also want you to think about something you've always wanted to do, a trip somewhere , a sport, seeing a show. Something you can aim for, you need to change your focus for a while until you can cope with whats going on and by the time you get to that point you may find your already coping.

But you must do these things for yourself, he can not be a part of you healing, the more he is around the harder it will be and I'm sorry but I think thats what he wants you at the end of a string incase he gets bored. Don't wait at the end of a string, go and be you, totally you, don't wait for him to come crawling back, go and be you, if he does, make your decision then once you have found you again you will not feel a need for him so you will be able to make a clear decision. Whilst you have this fear/need for him, your reacting to a fear of being alone and not thinking about if its actually right for you. (sorry waffling a bit but hopefully you get the idea of what I'm saying)

I cant tell my boss boss, he is not trustworthy, i spoke to him when all this first happened as i needed some time and he went and told someone else in the office even though i asked him not to

i cant tell my immediate boss as she is a cow and her idea of ' helping' me was to push more and more work onto me

Thank you

nm123_2

If you're near Essex/London, I'll come and meet you for a cuppa?! I've never met anyone from "The Internet" before!

There's some really good advice from people on here. I don't think you're quite ready to take it just yet, but I hope you will be soon. Write off this week as The Sh!ttest Week of Your Life and next week will be better.

One other thing - he's not the right person to help you through this. As much as he probably feels guilty and as much as you want him to be there for you, it's just not right. This is going to sound really harsh, but that image you have of him and her? Keep it in mind whenever he wants to help...

nm123_2

tinatony1 wrote: »

I cant tell my boss boss, he is not trustworthy, i spoke to him when all this first happened as i needed some time and he went and told someone else in the office even though i asked him not to

i cant tell my immediate boss as she is a cow and her idea of ' helping' me was to push more and more work onto me

Thank you

Can you go to HR instead?