I just do not know what to do

Sexy_Legs

Tina,

I have been following your post and really feel for what you are going through.

I agree with the others, get the decision now and not wait until Saturday. Can you put it in a letter if you don't feel strong enough. You could put a time ultimatum in it.

I know that you are a lovely person and you so deserve better than this. I also think that if you do patch things up that later in the relationship you will find it difficult to forget what he has done to you, you will be really angry with him and you will be constanly looking over your shoulders. He'll just grinde you down.

You deserve so much better and to be with someone that deserves your love and cherishes it.

do you have friends nearby that can give you a helping hand.

sending you a HUGE HUG.

nm123_2

Hi Tina,

I can totally see where all the others are coming from and I agree with what they are saying, however, it seems like you don't have the strength to push him and that's ok. Leave it until Saturday when you are due to have this talk and try to spend the rest of the week not thinking about it. The advice about watching comedies, talking to friends, reading books, looking after you, doing all the things you don't otherwise do etc is really good. Ride this week out and try to make it go quickly by keeping yourself busy and doing other stuff.

What I do think you need to do though, is give a little bit of thought to what happens after he's given his "decision". If he stays, what do you want from the situation? If he goes, what happens then? If at all possible, try to take the emotion out of the situation and think about the practical side of things and work out what you really want.

It's going to be hard either way, so once you've mulled over what you want to happen, switch off from it, let it take its course on Saturday. As you have given him control of the situation it's futile trying to to control how you feel because at the moment, the ball is not in your court (well... it could be, but you're not strong enough for that) so ride it out and wait until Saturday.

Hopefully switching off from it for a bit will give you some peace in your head and heart.

Best of luck, keep in touch

salesaddict

Dear Tina,

I am so sorry for how you are feeling and all that you are going through.

Your husband maybe be a wonderful man, as you say, but I would like to smash his stupid face in. It's not the other woman's fault. All this is his fault.

I would really like to thank all the recent posters for their posts and I would want them in my corner if I was going through anything like this.

Tina, you need to start your fight back, and what I mean by that is you have got to start looking after your mental and physical health. You need to think what you would say to any friend of yours who was going through this.

Tell him you have reached your own decision and you no longer want him back.
Don't accept any lifts to work or help with the shopping from him.

I will bet you the total of what's outstanding on my credit cards ( and thats a lot) that he will back to you within days.

Call his bluff and put on a bl**dy good act, of someone who no longer gives a damn, while you are doing it.

I really do wish you all the strength you need to get you through this awful time
xx

Sexy_Legs

Oh I so agree with Salesaddict,

I don't know you Tina, but the situation you have been put in puts a lump in my throat, if you lived near me I would go round to comfort you.

Be strong, we are all here for you.

D

jack*tigger

Hi Tina,

Firstly big hugs !! It's not easy going through this kind of thing. You spend all day feeling like someone has ripped your arm off. It hurts and there is something missing from your life.

Whatever happens you need to take the time to look after yourself. You have a life to live and you need to make sure you are fit and strong enough to face anything else that gets thrown at you.

I haven't read all of this thread so I apologise if I'm going over old stuff. But it seems to me that your OH is going through a mid-life crisis.

My OH had one of those about 13 years ago. We'd been married for a couple of years and he started to feel pressured into the whole house and baby thing. He wasn't sure that was what he wanted and didn't want to hold me back from having those things. So we split for a while. Once he got his head into gear he started to take me out to talk about things and we eventually got back together - it was the worst month of my entire life! We've now been married 15 years have a house, 2 kids and 2 cats ! Happy days !

I know your situation is different as there is another woman involved. But I'm wondering if he was just freaking about the whole baby, settling down forever, finances, panic. Sowing his oats for the last time sort of thing. She probably started flirting with him at a time when he thought his sexy young thing days were over, he would have been flattered and his brain went on holiday.

Anyway ... having been through it myself I was wondering why he was being so helpful, giving you lifts etc. And why he asked you to his pool night ??? Maybe he's trying to offer you an olive branch. Maybe he's trying to get things back to normal with you.
It's just a thought - he might just be after the attention of 2 women to enhance his manly image !!

If you want your man back 100% then fight for him. Go out with him. Show him what he is missing. Tell him you will have him back and work with him to put your relationship back together. But only if he comes back now and ditches the !!!!! forever. No messing about no more chances, take it or leave it.

If you don't want him 100%, or you don't believe that he would stay faithful, then dump him. In this case it doesn't matter what he wants. You don't want him end of story !

Either way you can survive this. Life will get back to normal, a different kind of normal, but normal all the same.

Be brave, be strong, be good to yourself.

barbara_anne

I've been following this from the beginning but now feel I can offer some advice.

I agree with all the posters who say you need to start building up your self esteem and that the current situation is not healthy for you.

You remind me of me when I came out of a relationship 8 or so years ago. The relationship was all consuming. We did everything together, I rarely saw my friends. He made me feel like I was nothing without him. He cheated on me, because he 'just thought he would". I couldn't bear to be without him. I cried, begged, begged and begged. Looking back I am so embarrassed, I had no self esteem or pride. He stayed with me for a while after, due to my begging, but eventually, I saw he was after someone else again, so let him go, for my own sanity more than anything else. I was distraught but it was a massive relief that it was all over.

He's the loser in all this. Him and the new woman are no longer together, and I'm now with the love of my life.

There is life after this, you will not feel like this forever, and even though you don't think you will, you have every chance of meeting someone a million times better. Some men just don't know what they have until it's gone.

NualaBuala

tinatony1 wrote: »

I just want to scream and scream that this is wrong and i want it back to how it always was. it was good, it was great, yes we had problems but we always worked them through, when i was hurt or sad or upset he always made it better, i need that to come back:(

Hi Tina,

Sorry in advance - I just glanced over my post and it sounds so bossy. Truly - it's not meant that way. It's just that I really know what I'm talking about and like the others here, I feel for you and want to help.

**************************************************************************
I've read through your thread and want to add my voice to all the others wishing love and support.

Now I understand that you might be feeling weary and fed up with receiving advice but here's some more. I do know what I'm talking about because I've been in a similar situation and came through to the other side. I also know that you might not be ready to hear advice right now - all you want is to find away for him to be sorry, realise what a dreadful mistake it was, come back and most of all to make things like they were before this happened.

Just remember this - the reason you want things like they were before, is because you believe that's what will make you happy. So even though you're fragile, try to keep in mind that the ultimate goal is something beyond getting back together - it's about feeling content and secure - and there are several ways of achieving that. And before you find the best way forward there are a couple of things you need to do.

First - you've got to accept that you need support. And I don't just mean us on here. Like the others have said - see your doctor. When you're in the midst of this grief, it's hard for you to be objective and think clearly. This may sound harsh but you're not taking enough care of yourself - you're losing weight and I'll bet you're not sleeping properly. So before you can tackle the relationship, you've got to get yourself fighting fit. See the doctor, tell him/her everything. and for your own peace of mind get tested for STIs just in case.

Next - you may not realise this but you are in mourning, just as if someone had died suddenly. The relationship you cherished has suddenly been ripped away from you. You want things to be how they were - and you're finding it hard to accept that things have changed. In fact, you are mourning the relationship you thought you had, not the one you actually had. You miss the man you thought you were married to, not the one you are actually married to. I'm probably explaining this poorly. But no matter - that's what Relate is for. Now I'll bet you can list off half a dozen reasons why you don't want to/can't go to them. But if you do it will help - whether you get back together or not. They will help you make sense of what's going on and cut through that confusion.

Right now, your OH is occupying, what would you say - about 90% of your thoughts? I'm not going to say forget him - that would be impossible. But while you work out your way forward, you can concentrate on developing yourself. It's time to fulfil your potential. Once you're getting on track physically and hopefully getting some relationship advice from Relate, the next step is to stand back and take a long look at yourself and your life. What do you really want out of life (aside from your husband)? Do you like your current clothes and haircut? Is there something you always wanted to do but never dared? Running a 10k? Taking an art class? Baking a cake? Seeing more of your friends? Do voluntary work overseas? Getting your nails done? (Don't forget to use a voucher - we are moneysavers after all:p). Think big and small.

There's no doubt about it, this is the most painful thing you have ever gone through. But the pain will not last for ever. And just like labour pangs bring about the miracle of life, this could be the birth of the life you always wanted to live, of the Tina you always wanted to be.

One last word of (unasked for) advice: I know you are going through hell and there are times you must feel that you can't endure this a second longer. This isn't going to magically make you ok but it will help. If there is any tiny wee thing you can do for someone else, then do it. Let someone go ahead of you at the checkout, or drop some homemade cookies into a neighbour. Anything at all that will help someone else. It's not what you feel like doing right now but I promjise you, helping other people is a wonderful antidote to depression, anguish and everything on that spectrum.

Take care of yourself,

Nuala x

maggied_2

Well put Nuala.

How you doing today Tina? Off out for the day in a bit but am thinking of you.

C xxxxx

mummyyummy_2

tinatony1 wrote: »

i am torn in 2, i am bloody angry half the time and in pieces the other half.

we dont have a mortgage thank goodness but we do have a huge amount of debt so i still need him to be commited to paying it back with me

and yes part of me wants to find this woman and smack her in the mouth for not keeping her hands to herself

but i wont do this

I would! she deserves it, so does he actually hun...<<hugs>> x

Lunar_Eclipse

Such a good post Nuala. Agree with it all.

Tina - how are you doing?