I just do not know what to do

tinatony1

From what you're saying, (picking you up for work) he's spending time way from you - is he with her?


yes he is with her:mad:. Although he days he hasnt had sex with her yet

i saw her the other day and i am not blowing my own trumpet in any way but i do wonder about his judgement and his eyesight, i am no cindy crawford but please he really is slumming it with this one, maybe he just wanted a bit of rough, very rough

sorry that was beneath me but i havent been able to say it to anyone else, please dont condemn me

maggied_2

Tina, my heart is breaking for you. This will not do! He's seriously riding rough shod all over your feelings.

He's spending time with this woman but telling you they aren't having sex (I think you know deep down this probably isnt true). He's picking you up from work and inviting you out, saying there's no discussion to be had!!

I don't blame you for thinking anything about this other woman, I'm damn sure I'd be saying worse - but I do wish you could transfer some of that anger on to him.

I'm so sorry to say this but he is treating you like !!!!!!. Does he see this as some sort of holiday from your relationship and he's enjoying it until he 'has' to come back? Don't you think you deserve a little better than that?

Everyone deserves to be adored and that includes you - what must he think of you and your relationship if he thinks this behaviour is in anyway acceptable.

If he comes back Tina, and you take him back, he wants to be thanking his lucky stars for the rest of his life.

Personally I'd be dumping his stuff at the big moose's house and changing the locks. Although I know why you want him back and why you don't want the relationship to end (honestly, I do) I can't understand why you would want to be with someone who doesn't appear to hold you in very high regard.

xxx

Lunar_Eclipse

tinatony1 wrote: »

yes he is with her:mad:. Although he days he hasnt had sex with her yet

I don't know how you can bear to look at him, let alone still see him. I would be so incredibly angry with him that I doubt I could contain my fury in his presence and so would rather not experience those feelings.

There is one thing to be unfaithful and caught/admit the offence. It is another to blatantly carry on seeing someone without ending the original relationship first. :mad:

Given what you've written above, I would end the decision making period immediately and offer him the 'me or her' ultimatum if that is still what you want. Personally I couldn't take him back.

I also wouldn't believe that they haven't had sex, but that would actually be immaterial to my decision now. He is treating you with so little respect and facilitating your ongoing anguish that I don't think I would ever feel loved and valued by this person again.

I really do feel for you Tina. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it better!

Lunar_Eclipse

maggied wrote: »

Tina, my heart is breaking for you.

Personally I'd be dumping his stuff at the big moose's house and changing the locks. Although I know why you want him back and why you don't want the relationship to end (honestly, I do) I can't understand why you would want to be with someone who doesn't appear to hold you in very high regard.

Me too. Brilliantly put.

Last paragraph sums it up for me too.

Pollycat

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

There is one thing to be unfaithful and caught/admit the offence. It is another to blatantly carry on seeing someone without ending the original relationship first. :mad:

Reading your point above, lunar eclipse, it made me wonder if Tina's OH wants HER to make the decision to end this relationship.

Then, if the new relationship goes belly up, he can bleat about how he had no choice, his wife threw him out etc etc.

My ex-OH acted very much like Tina's is doing, I discovered his affair, he couldn't make his mind up what to do, spent some nights with me some with her (no sex with me though).
I think he behaved the way he did so that I'd chuck him out of the house - but I said to his face 'If you want to go, be man enough to make the decision' - but I made it very clear that if he DID go, there would be no coming back.
In the end, he chose to stay with me.
And I think the turning point for him was when I started to go out on my own with friends instead of crying around the house.
He suddenly saw that I was an independent woman with a good job and he would probably end up as the loser if he left me.

Our marriage only lasted for another couple of years after which I decided to end it.

So you see, Tina - I really DO understand what you're going through, and I understand how hard it is for you to push him for a decision.

neneromanova

when you saw her was there any reason why you didn't go up to her and ask her what the hell she is playing at? Even if it was infront of other people. That might have made her back off a bit as she would have been embarrassed.

Lunar_Eclipse

Pollycat wrote: »

Reading your point above, lunar eclipse, it made me wonder if Tina's OH wants HER to make the decision to end this relationship.

'If you want to go, be man enough to make the decision' - but I made it very clear that if he DID go, there would be no coming back.

I think you could be right.

Great way to handle it.

Do you think the affair is why your relationship eventually came to an end?

tinatony1

I know i know i know

all of what you have said is true but he has been my whole life for 11 years and i cant just stop feeling what i do.

i cant comtemplate the rest of my life without him, i really believed he was "the" one for me, the only one, i have completely loved him since i met him and still love him with the same intensity

i probably know that i have to accept that i will not get what i want but how do i go about that

we had plans for holidays and a baby, why has this all so sudenly changed

if he could explain to me then i could try to understand but he cant or wont

tinatony1

neneromanova wrote: »

when you saw her was there any reason why you didn't go up to her and ask her what the hell she is playing at? Even if it was infront of other people. That might have made her back off a bit as she would have been embarrassed.

we were in the car and she was outside of his/her work smoking, she did not look happy to see me in the car

by the time we had parked up she had gone back in, but apparently she texted hin later to ask if he had had a busy morning ( we were about an hour later than normal because of car trouble), so she obviously thought we had been up to allsorts Ha Ha Ha:rotfl:

i did feel a small sense of victory at that point, didnt last long though, too sour

maggied_2

How did you know she's texted him? Did he tell you?

You need to rediscover your self respect - nothing you don't know, but feeling a small sense of victory because the woman your bloke has been cheating on you with was a bit cheesed off?

Is that the person you are? It doesn't sound like it.

As difficult as it is, can you take a step back. You have several options in front of you.

1. You limp towards Saturday when your OH makes a decision. Then:
a) he chooses you -if this happens you will have to forgive him and learn to trust him - what guarantees do you have that he won't see this other woman again? what is he going to do to earn your trust?

b) he chooses mooseface - you cry for a while, drink too much wine, sleep with some unsuitable men and then move on with your life. You WILL find love again with someone who doesn't cheat on you.

You have no control over either of these things.

The other options are:

2. You tell him you're tired of him p1ssing about and tell him to get his sorry ar*e back to yours tomorrow or never.

3. You tell him that because of the disgusting way he has treated you he can jog on. Permanently.

11 years IS a huge part of anyone's life, and I don't know how old you are, but you have what? - 30, 40, 50 years left on the planet that are there to be enjoyed - all that opportunity to feel happy and fulfilled - is this man going to offer you that?

What if you stay together and have children? What if he has another little attack like this and leaves you in the lurch with not just yourself to look after and worry about but children as well - you only have to take a look on the boards here to see how vile that can be.