I just do not know what to do

Pollycat

tinatony1 wrote: »

she knows he is married

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Yes, it does. However, the crucial fact is that she doesn't owe the OP any loyalty, unlike her husband.

Although it's besides the point, this other woman might not even have known he was in a relationship at all. My FIL practiced a well known art of removing his wedding ring when on business trips to attract other women. Sad but common apparently.

LunarEclipse
As Tina said early in this thread, the 'other woman' knew Tina's OH was married.

To me, that doesn't make her 'not to blame in the slightest'.
BOTH the people having the affair are at fault here.
Regardless of who did the chasing, either one of them could have (and should have) stepped away before anything happened.

Tina seems to believe that this woman did the chasing.
That may be true or it could be Tina's wishful thinking.

I don't find it odd that Tina is more angry with this woman, in my experience (at the stage Tina is at - i.e. still wanting her OH to come back) it's not irrational at all.

tinatony1

thorsoak wrote: »

Sorry Tina .....but i'll bet his other wives used the same argument ..... stay strong girl - you're going to need to be!

I have a friend whose husband is a serial adulterer ...she stays with him, not because she loves him any more - but because she says she is "saving" another woman from the heartbreak she has gone through.

She says she still likes him - and can view his philanderings with some amusement ...but is she really happy - I don't really think so

His other marriages did not end because of his behaviour but theirs, my H is not a serial philanderer as you call him, he has been cheated on in the past that is why this is out of character for him and why i can happily say that this other woman or b***h as i like to call her must have initiated the whole thing.

as i have said before he has somehow got lost along his way, i cannot excuse his behaviour, please dont think that i am but i am willing to try to save it in any way i can

Pollycat

Hi Tina
Whilst I have my reservations whether this will all pan out in the way you so desperately want it to, I guess you should do what YOU (not anybody else) thinks is the best for YOU.

How are things between you now?
You said a few days ago that you were getting on better.

Regards

tinatony1

Pollycat wrote: »

Hi Tina
Whilst I have my reservations whether this will all pan out in the way you so desperately want it to, I guess you should do what YOU (not anybody else) thinks is the best for YOU.

How are things between you now?
You said a few days ago that you were getting on better.

Regards

When we see each other things are fine, we get on really well, i guess thats why it is all so bloody confusing, he seems to be worried about me as i am not eating alot, have lost a stone and a half since all this happened, i am eating just not as much as i was.

he is talking about what to buy me for christmas etc.

he still has a week and a half to come to his decision, i do actually think it will not be in my favour, sixth sense? but i had to give him the ultimatum.

the thing is difficult as it may be i will continue to love him, i cannot just switch off my feelings like that.

Michelin

Hi Tina, what you have just said is looking a little more positive than earlier. He obviously still cares for you and maybe he is just trying to work this stuff out in his head. Every relationship hits a bad spot - and it is futile to apportion blame - you just need to keep working at trying to get things back on track.

Does he has to make the decision in a week and a half? Could you perhaps talk at that stage and see where he is at with his thinking? Just thinking that if he feels under pressure he may go the route that he doesn't want just to keep his word.

Take care and stay strong - you are doing really well.

Pollycat

There's no wonder you're confused, Tina, he's giving you mixed messages.

He's being nice to you, concerned for you, talking as though there's a future for you both (by talking about Christmas) - but I guess he's still seeing this other woman.....?

Maybe he's genuinely unsure about who he's going to choose or maybe he's just making the most of having 2 woman want him.

I think giving him an ultimatim (if you are going to stick to it) will show him that he can't treat you as a doormat.
I guess all you can do is try to stay strong (he'll be much more inclined to choose a strong woman than one who is weepy and clingy) and see how things work out.

fabforty

tinatony1 wrote: »

His other marriages did not end because of his behaviour but theirs, my H is not a serial philanderer as you call him, he has been cheated on in the past that is why this is out of character for him and why i can happily say that this other woman or b***h as i like to call her must have initiated the whole thing.

as i have said before he has somehow got lost along his way, i cannot excuse his behaviour, please dont think that i am but i am willing to try to save it in any way i can

I'm not sure that I would be using the word 'happily' in your shoes but I take your point. In the end, you have to do what you think is best for you - despite what others say. However, playing devils advocate for a second, the fact that he actually has to think about who to choose, concerns me. Lets assume that you are right, she set out to ensnare him and he lost his head for a moment. Then you find out about the affair and confront him with it. If it was just a meaningless fling, this is the point that I would expect him to end the relationship, get down on his hands and knees, beg, plead and grovel for you to take him back and jumping through hoops to save your marraige and to put right his mistake. I hate to say it, because I know that it's not what you want to hear, but the fact that he is thinking about what to do suggests that either a) it's more than a fling and they have fallen in love or b) he might not really want to be with either of you enough to make a choice.

As a counsellor in training - who specialises in family and couples counselling - I really do understand how badly you want to make your marraige work and I can honestly say (and this may surprise you considering my posts on the subject) that all is not lost. There is a chance for you to get your marraige back on track. However, there is a process that you have to go through - whether you want to or not. A bit like the five stages of grief. The first (essential) step in saving your marraige is for there to be complete, brutal honesty, with yourselves and with each other - and sadly that is the one thing that seems to be lacking for both of you right now.

rachel6188

tina - im so sorry your going through this and i hope you can get your marriage back on track. huge hugs hun. take care of yourself xxxx

tinatony1

Thanks Rachel6188, i also really hope it works out, i have to say that it was a bad day yesterday unfortunately, had another crying my heart out evening.

Partly my fault for watching the thorn birds on the TV(sad i know), it just made me so sad as i was all alone.

very confused as to whats going on at the moment, i am getting so many mixed messages from H that i really dont know what to think

Anyway thank you so much for your hugs xx

Lunar_Eclipse

tinatony1 wrote: »

I am annoyed at him but not as much as her, i am sorry if that is wrong but that is how i feel, if it does all come to an end with me and H then i will work through that at the time but at the moment i still have the hope that he will realise what a total pratt he has been.

sorry if that sounds like a rant

It doesn't sound like a rant and what you are feeling isn't wrong.

I'm on your side, desperately hoping you find a happy ending.