I just do not know what to do

tinatony1

i just want to smash her stupid flipping face in

fabforty

But he's the one who lied, cheated and let you down, not her. I could understand you being angry with both of them and wanting to slap them both (not that I'm suggesting you do), but your anger seems to be directed mainly at her. Yes, she knew he was married, but he also knew he was married. I don't want to sound like I'm siding with the other woman - lets face it, she's an amoral dog - but whatever she is, he as ten times worse becasue the ring was on HIS finger. You may well 'win', he might decide to stay with you. Then all you have to do is find a way to trust him again (to resist the urge to check his phone, to not wonder where he is when he's not with you, not wonder what he's up to/who he's with/where he's been, and to not spend the rest of your life waiting for him to do it again). Having been in your shoes, I understand exactly how you feel - although in my case, I kicked his lying cheating a**** out of the house. There were nights when I felt lonely and vulnerable and would have gladly taken him back, but I thank god every day that I didn't. I know that you love your husband - I loved my partner, I just loved myself more.

tinatony1

i understand what you say but i cant blame him as much as her because i just cant

every situation is different but he is being led by her i know this to be true, she is an amoral b**ch who thinks she has won.

as long as i have breath in my body she will not win, even if i dont, she will not bloody win

Pollycat

fabforty wrote: »

But he's the one who lied, cheated and let you down, not her. I could understand you being angry with both of them and wanting to slap them both (not that I'm suggesting you do), but your anger seems to be directed mainly at her. Yes, she knew he was married, but he also knew he was married. I don't want to sound like I'm siding with the other woman - lets face it, she's an amoral dog - but whatever she is, he as ten times worse becasue the ring was on HIS finger.

That's a very sensible way to look at the situation, fabforty - but unfortunately Tina is not at that stage (yet).

tinatony1 wrote: »

i understand what you say but i cant blame him as much as her because i just cant

every situation is different but he is being led by her i know this to be true, she is an amoral b**ch who thinks she has won.

as long as i have breath in my body she will not win, even if i dont, she will not bloody win

Tina
you can't lead somebody where they don't want to go - but I think you know that deep down.
From what you're saying, it sounds like he's made a decision.
No matter how much it hurts now, it WILL get better.
I (and lots of other people) said that to a lady in the same position as you are now just under a year ago.
She couldn't believe it - but, with a new man in her life, she does now.

thorsoak

tinatony1 wrote: »

every situation is different but he is being led by her i know this to be true, she is an amoral b**ch who thinks she has won.

But what a prize she has won Tina .....a liar, who would cheat his wife ans use money for debts on another woman .....don't forget - when a man marries his mistress....there is a vacancy for another mistress.

History has a habit of repeating itself.

tinatony1

thank you but i dont think i will ever want anyone else, i have loved this man ever since i met him over 11 years ago, he was/is the life i always wanted

i am trying so hard to be strong but i cannot give up, it is not in my nature

all i keep thinking off are the if only's and then this would never have happened.

k_bagpuss

Hi Tina, I've been following your post as I was in the same situation as you back in 2005. Exactly the same! We went to Relate for a bit at my request, and we started getting on ok again but it was more like being mates which just wasn't enough. He told me he wasn't in touch with her any more - he actually swore he wasn't but he was. He slipped up one night and sent a text meant for her to me instead. Once the trust has gone part of the relationship dies and can you honestly live like that? What happens if he is going to go out with his mates? Because as much as you want to believe him that little nagging voice of doubt is never far away. After 6 months I told him if he was going to stay he needed to stay as my husband in every sense of the word and if he didn't want to be my husband he would have to leave. I didn't really believe he'd go but 2 weeks after that he'd moved out. I went to my parents whilst he did as I couldn't bear to be there. When I walked back into our flat I was absolutely devastated. But time as they say is a great healer and I honestly wouldn't thank you for him back now. I'm with a wonderful man who loves me just as much as I love him and I wish we'd met each other years ago. I remember wanting to be wanted, not needed or for someone to be settling for me. And you deserve the same too Tina. There is someone out there who deserves you, and that person wouldn't play away.

Pollycat

tinatony1 wrote: »

thank you but i dont think i will ever want anyone else, i have loved this man ever since i met him over 11 years ago, he was/is the life i always wanted

i am trying so hard to be strong but i cannot give up, it is not in my nature

all i keep thinking off are the if only's and then this would never have happened.

Tina
of course at this point you think that you'll never want anyone else.
But, those of us who've been where you are right now will (I'd guess anyway) all say that, after things are finally over, you do start to move forward.
And sometimes the future turns out to be even better than the past.
I don't expect you to believe me right now, as the lady I mentioned in my earlier post didn't believe me.

There's nothing wrong with not giving up on your OH (although I'm sure there will be ladies who disagree), but if he does finally decide to move in with this other woman you'll have no choice but to let him go.
At least try to maintain your dignity if he does walk away, he's hurt you enough as it is.

Don't start blaming yourself thinking about 'if only', you did what you thought was best.
And to be honest, even if you'd not had financial problems, who can say that he still wouldn't have got involved with this (or some other) woman.

JoeyG

Tina, I really feel for you and I realise you are too close to the situation to make any sense of it at the moment... but really, when you stop to look at the facts, you know he has definitely before, there may be more times that you don't know about, or you do but you're just not letting on.

If you took him back do you really think this would be the last time?... part of me thinks you may already have been prepared for infidelity at some stage, as you knew his past, and of course thats your choice... but could you really consider bringing up children in this environment? when kids come along, its no longer about whats feels right to you, whats right for him, or even whats right for the marriage... its all about the little ones.

Sorry if that sounded a little harsh, just another angle to consider

salesaddict

Tina,

I have been following your thread from the beginning and I just want to say how much I admire the way you have conducted yourself. I would n't know what advice to give you but I do think that this time of year is the worst time to be going through anything like this as the short days and long evenings make a lot of us feel fed up even if life is (relatively) normal.

You sound such a lovely lady and the last person who should be going through this devastation. I have every confidence that at some point in the future you will be posting on here that you have met a lovely man who really values and appreciates you. And all that you are going through now will just be one of the s**t experiences that life throws at us.

Just keep going and all will come right for you.

I was in St Paul's cathedral last week and I lit a candle for your best intentions
(even though I am not sure I even believe in such things)
But it can't do any harm can it?

Just try and think about all the people on this site who are so concerned about you. I wish you the very best.