I just do not know what to do

tinatony1

nm123 wrote: »

Tina - has he actually apologised?

You mention that he's said things weren't right for the past 6 months, do you know more about that? Can you get him to open up on this?

I agree with Bogof that he wants someone else to make the decision for him. I think you could end up being stronger if you can now properly talk about all this and communicate about it all as adult, being candid and open and real.

It's easy for us all to sit here and say "leave him, end it, don't look back" but I realise it's not that black and white. Thinking about your situation has made me think what I would do if my OH cheated on me, and I think I would feel the same as you - as in, he's lost his way, something's not right, but it might be worth fixing.

But - this is going to take some effort from him, you can't do all of this. I hope he understands this.

He has apologised, he keeps saying sorry all the time.

we have discussed when things started to go wrong and basically i think i can pinpoint it to when i stopped going out with him to his pool matches ( i was stacked at work and knackered) and when i started to try and sort the finance thing out on my own, i had really kept the seriousness of the situation from him thinking i could sort it on my own. (My big mistake)

I guess i was taking him for granted, we had got into a rut and i just didnt notice

Bogof_Babe

Money_maker wrote: »

OMG, does that mean its okay? I really do sympathise with Tina but with no children involved, I could not accept what is written above and it would destroy my relationship.

I applaud those who can get through something like this but it's something I could never accept.

I'm not saying it's okay, just that (apparently) it happens. When you hear and read news items about normal people these days, nearly everyone seems to have a step parent or step child or second partner. I would make a modest bet that the majority of those abandoned first relationships were due to infidelity.

I just think it's a shame to let a mistake ruin what is otherwise a viable marriage. A lot of it is wounded pride, not hatred, as Tina's case shows.

tinatony1

thank you bogof_babe

you are correct, i know that many of you on here will not understand my decisions or reasoning at all but i do believe that my marriage is worth salvaging and i also believe that it can be saved.

through talking i have dicovered that some of the fault lies with me, please note i say some, i know the majority if H's fault.

but if we can talk this through and make it work then that has to worth it

nm123_2

Money_maker wrote: »

OMG, does that mean its okay? I really do sympathise with Tina but with no children involved, I could not accept what is written above and it would destroy my relationship.

I applaud those who can get through something like this but it's something I could never accept.

No, I don't think Bogof is saying that it is ok. But, people do make mistakes, and it seems when someone doesn't know how to handle a situation, they end up handling it badly, and it seems like Tina's OH has got himself in a right pickle with both Tina and his fancy lady.

As you say, some people can get through these situations, but not everyone can. Ultimately, Tina will know in her heart of hearts whether she is doing herself a disservice.

Pollycat

nm123 wrote: »

Tina - has he actually apologised?

You mention that he's said things weren't right for the past 6 months, do you know more about that? Can you get him to open up on this?

I agree with Bogof that he wants someone else to make the decision for him. I think you could end up being stronger if you can now properly talk about all this and communicate about it all as adult, being candid and open and real.

It's easy for us all to sit here and say "leave him, end it, don't look back" but I realise it's not that black and white. Thinking about your situation has made me think what I would do if my OH cheated on me, and I think I would feel the same as you - as in, he's lost his way, something's not right, but it might be worth fixing.

But - this is going to take some effort from him, you can't do all of this. I hope he understands this.

Other than right at the beginning of the thread, when Tina said that he'd gone crazy at her for checking his phone and a little later when she said he might be having second thoughts, she's mentioned very little about what he's saying or doing - other than he's a 'stick his head in the sand' type of guy.

We don't know if he's really having second thoughts or if he's using her as a crutch whilst his Dad is ill.

We don't know if he's spending his nights with this other woman or at home.

I too agree that he wants Tina to throw him out, then if it doesn't work out he can say 'well, I didn't really have a choice other than to go to this woman'.

My ex-OH did exactly the same.
I told him I wanted him to stay and if he wanted to go to the 18 year old girl he'd been having an year long affair with (he was 32 and it was obviously a mid-life crisis), it was a decision that HE'D have to make - and stand by it regardless of how it worked out - becuae if he went, there be no coming back.

It was hard to put on an outward show of strength, but it worked as he decided to stay.
Unfortunately (for him), I decided after another 3 years that I could neither forgive nor forget so we divorced.

nm123_2

tinatony1 wrote: »

you are correct, i know that many of you on here will not understand my decisions or reasoning at all but i do believe that my marriage is worth salvaging and i also believe that it can be saved.

And you know what? It's much harder to fight for something than to let it fall by the wayside.

And if it doesn't work out, I guess at least Tina will know that she's done all she can to try.

Pollycat

tinatony1 wrote: »

He has apologised, he keeps saying sorry all the time.

we have discussed when things started to go wrong and basically i think i can pinpoint it to when i stopped going out with him to his pool matches ( i was stacked at work and knackered) and when i started to try and sort the finance thing out on my own, i had really kept the seriousness of the situation from him thinking i could sort it on my own. (My big mistake)

I guess i was taking him for granted, we had got into a rut and i just didnt notice

Re my earlier post, when I started it the 4 messages immediately prior to mine weren't there.

So it looks like there's a different slant on the situation.
Tina, by apologising all the time - does that mean that this other woman is out of the picture now?
Is he committed to trying again?

JoW123

tinatony1 wrote: »

thank you bogof_babe

you are correct, i know that many of you on here will not understand my decisions or reasoning at all but i do believe that my marriage is worth salvaging and i also believe that it can be saved.

through talking i have dicovered that some of the fault lies with me, please note i say some, i know the majority if H's fault.

but if we can talk this through and make it work then that has to worth it

Only you can know what you want Tina. Would it be worth talking to Relate together as you have acknowledged that there have been issues on both sides? Would your husband agree to this? As someone who is 5 weeks into being alone (for completely different reasons which are on one of my threads) I would advise you to explore every avenue before you decide it is definitely over. Whilst I remain completely certain that I have done the only thing possible for mine and my childrens future, its not a nice place to be at the moment. I'm not convinced by what you have posted that your husband really wants it to be over. Is this behaviour completely out of character for him? If so, then take all the time and advice you need before making a decision.

tinatony1

Pollycat wrote: »

Other than right at the beginning of the thread, when Tina said that he'd gone crazy at her for checking his phone and a little later when she said he might be having second thoughts, she's mentioned very little about what he's saying or doing - other than he's a 'stick his head in the sand' type of guy.

We don't know if he's really having second thoughts or if he's using her as a crutch whilst his Dad is ill. I truly belive that he is having second thoughts and as i am as close to his dad as he is he wouldnt do this

We don't know if he's spending his nights with this other woman or at home. he is spending his nights at home with me

I too agree that he wants Tina to throw him out, then if it doesn't work out he can say 'well, I didn't really have a choice other than to go to this woman'.

My ex-OH did exactly the same.
I told him I wanted him to stay and if he wanted to go to the 18 year old girl he'd been having an year long affair with (he was 32 and it was obviously a mid-life crisis), it was a decision that HE'D have to make - and stand by it regardless of how it worked out - becuae if he went, there be no coming back.

It was hard to put on an outward show of strength, but it worked as he decided to stay.
Unfortunately (for him), I decided after another 3 years that I could neither forgive nor forget so we divorced.

I too having been putting on this show of strength, it is funny but i think it actually helps to do this even if inside i am screaming out for him to beg forgiveness.

at the end of the day nobody knows what the future holds but if i can do anything at all to try and save my marriage then i will do it, i believe that there is something left that can be built upon

tinatony1

JoW123 wrote: »

Only you can know what you want Tina. Would it be worth talking to Relate together as you have acknowledged that there have been issues on both sides? Would your husband agree to this? As someone who is 5 weeks into being alone (for completely different reasons which are on one of my threads) I would advise you to explore every avenue before you decide it is definitely over. Whilst I remain completely certain that I have done the only thing possible for mine and my childrens future, its not a nice place to be at the moment. I'm not convinced by what you have posted that your husband really wants it to be over. Is this behaviour completely out of character for him? If so, then take all the time and advice you need before making a decision.

I did initially suggest this when i first found out and he was against it but this was when he had just been discovered so his reaction was a "no"

I havent brought it up again but in time it may be something i will do, however he is not typically a talk about your feelings with strangers type of guy.

this sort of behaviour is out of character for him, however i should mention that he has been married before (twice), his first marriage ended when he was cheated on the second just ended.

i think i am doing what is right for me at the moment, i am taking each day as it comes and as long as we are talking and getting on then i will do this for as long as it takes.