I just do not know what to do

maggied_2

Hi tina - just checking in to see how you are today (((((hug)))))

tinatony1

Hi All

Having a bad day today, there have been some complications, Hubby's dad had an assessment today and needs life saving surgery, this is scheduled for the 12 November and he will be in hospital for at least 2 weeks. I am very close to his dad as well as his mum, so this is hard for me too

We were holding fire on telling them because of this operation but it is now worse than we thought , the thing is His mum gives us some money every week which pays for the Gas and Electric and i/we cant afford do be without this.

but now we are going to have to "pretend" for longer than we thought.

also my mum is not well, she has alzhiemers and has taken a real turn for the worse which is also praying on my mind.

I do not have any sisters and my brother is in America but we are not close. All my friends are also his friends and we have not yet told any of them yet either.

i was ok yesterday but today feel that i am clinging on with my fingertips, i hope that nobody annoys me today as i really dint know what my reaction would be

Pollycat

Oh Tina, this just gets worse and worse for you.

By 'pretending' what exactly do you mean?
Is he going to stay in the house until his Dad comes out of hospital?
How are things between you are your OH?

Assuming that your OH did leave this weekend as he'd planned, what was going to happen to the money that his Mum gives you each week?

Is your Dad coping OK with your Mum (assuming they live together)?

I just don't think it's fair on you to keep up a pretence with his family and your friends that everything is OK.
You've done nothing wrong here.

Have you been to the doctors yet?
A lot of people (including me) have mentioned that this is a good idea, there's no stigma attached to asking for a little help to get you through a bad time.

Take care

Emmzi

have you been to have benefits reassessed as a single mum? may not help, but might.

tinatony1

Emmzi wrote: »

have you been to have benefits reassessed as a single mum? may not help, but might.

dont think i could get away with that one as i am not a mum.

we had been talking about having a baby but obviously not now

Pollycat

Emmzi wrote: »

have you been to have benefits reassessed as a single mum? may not help, but might.

The OP doesn't have any children.

tinatony1 wrote: »

she isnt married but she has 2 kids, we dont have any together but have been discussing having one even up until last week

From what she's said, I think the money issues are because of debt, even though she has a good job.

nm123_2

tinatony1 wrote: »

Hi All

Having a bad day today, there have been some complications, Hubby's dad had an assessment today and needs life saving surgery, this is scheduled for the 12 November and he will be in hospital for at least 2 weeks. I am very close to his dad as well as his mum, so this is hard for me too

We were holding fire on telling them because of this operation but it is now worse than we thought , the thing is His mum gives us some money every week which pays for the Gas and Electric and i/we cant afford do be without this.

but now we are going to have to "pretend" for longer than we thought.

also my mum is not well, she has alzhiemers and has taken a real turn for the worse which is also praying on my mind.

I do not have any sisters and my brother is in America but we are not close. All my friends are also his friends and we have not yet told any of them yet either.

i was ok yesterday but today feel that i am clinging on with my fingertips, i hope that nobody annoys me today as i really dint know what my reaction would be

Tina, he should still move out.

Do his parents come over to your house much? If they do, he can arrange to be there when they come over, but I don't think he should stay just because of this.

I think you need to discuss finances with him again and mention that you are not comfortable keeping the money his mum gives for the bills, but that you would like him to cover this cost instead and he can give the money back to his mum as and when the time is right to tell her you're not together. This part should be his responsibility, not yours. He is going to need to still contribute to your household temporarily anyway I would imagine - but its irrelevant whether he's living there or not.

But listen, don't worry too much about all this right now this morning. Get some "normality" whether that be at work, mooching around the shops, going to the park, the gym, whatever... Think about it all later.

Lots of love

tinatony1

Pollycat wrote: »

Oh Tina, this just gets worse and worse for you.

By 'pretending' what exactly do you mean? Just pretending we are still togoehter when we see them
Is he going to stay in the house until his Dad comes out of hospital?
How are things between you are your OH? I dont know, one minute he says he cant stay with me the next he says he wont be going yet

Assuming that your OH did leave this weekend as he'd planned, what was going to happen to the money that his Mum gives you each week? we would still collect it when we go to see her

Is your Dad coping OK with your Mum (assuming they live together)? Mum is in full time care about 10 miles from me, he is now very worried about her

I just don't think it's fair on you to keep up a pretence with his family and your friends that everything is OK. I know this but dont want to face the alternative yet
You've done nothing wrong here. I know i havent apart from maybe being too complacent

Have you been to the doctors yet? No i dont know what to do with that yet
A lot of people (including me) have mentioned that this is a good idea, there's no stigma attached to asking for a little help to get you through a bad time.

Take care

Thank you I will try


the money issues are because of debt, stupid spending on credit cards mostly, which i am so ashamed about, but everything was for us and the house so i guess not all my fault but i am still going to be left to carry the can.

jenhug

can you not start ebaying all the clothes etc that you don't want or need any more?
I would ask him to leave, and soon. He is being really unfair to you.

Emmzi

my apologies tina. I think I am so used to seeing threads about people who stay 'for the children', I cannot imagine why you would put up with this if you have no kids. Well, I can, it isn't easy leaving,. espcially in the face of such extreme emotional blackmail and manipulation.

In which case - have you been to the DFW boards for a review of your SOA.
What do you have that you can ebay to bring the debts down.
How about renting a room in a shared place for a while until you are more financially stable?