I just do not know what to do

Pollycat

Tina

Assuming that your OH did leave this weekend as he'd planned, what was going to happen to the money that his Mum gives you each week? we would still collect it when we go to see her

When I asked this, I meant will she still give you this money when her son is no longer living with you?
She may not want to do that.

When your OH says this:

one minute he says he cant stay with me the next he says he wont be going yet

is this BEFORE or AFTER you found out about his Dad's illness?
If 'after' I can see that fitting in with the 'pretending' but if he was saying it 'before', he's messing with your head.
Either he wants to go to this other woman or he thinks (as someone said earlier) he hopes to have 2 woman hanging on his every word.

I just don't think it's fair on you to keep up a pretence with his family and your friends that everything is OK. I know this but dont want to face the alternative yet

I think in your heart of hearts you know that it's over, you HAVE to face the alternative.
I'm pretty sure that if I were in your position and told our joint friends, there would be some physical support for me - whether it be popping round, going for a coffee, ringing me etc.

Lots of people have money problems, it just makes it harder to cut ties when a relationship ends.
There's no need to be ashamed.
How did you get on with the CAB stuff last night?

tinatony1

didnt get on very well to be honest, H was not alot of help.

i just dont know what to put for some of the outgoings, things like clothes, houesekeeping, pets, i dont really know how much, are there acceptable amounts as standard.

Pollycat

Tina
It might help you to put together a SOA, here's the link:
http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html

It may be a good idea to do one as things stood before your OH dropped his bombshell (i.e. joint income/joint debts) and then another as it will be after he's gone.
It might be scary but it's not going to go away, doing an ostrich impression isn't going to work - and that goes for both of you.
And if you don't have the financial information, how can the CAB help?

Re what to put in some of the catagories, take a look at some of the other SOAs that people post then apply what you know about your own spending habits.
For example, how often do you have your hair done?
How much does it cost?
If you have it cut every six weeks and it costs £15 each time, you're spending just under £11 per month.

What is your grocery bill?
How much do you spend in supermarkets?
Do you buy cleaning prducts there or somewhere else?
Do you spend cash for fresh fruit/veg/milk etc?
Add it all up.

Same for clothes - go back through your credit card statements and bank statements.

Do you have pets?
Do you pay insurance for them?
How much food do they eat a week?
My cat costs me around £15 per month - that's based on a decent tin of cat food per day.

It's not a case of there being 'acceptable amounts'.
Everybody is different, you need to dig out the costs that apply to YOU.

Also

Have you been to the doctors yet? No i dont know what to do with that yet

Why don't you know what to do with it?
Do you feel you need some help to get through this?
You've not got a support network around you, talk to your doctor.

ineedtokickthehabbit

Sending you a big hug

I have followed your thread and I really feel for you and what you are going through. I honestly think you have to put yourself first and do what is right for you.

While your husband continues to live with you, but still see's the other woman must be unbearable, and now you are taking the emotional strain due to his Dad's illness and pending operation. He is not being fare on you, He is wanting the best of both worlds.

Bogof_Babe

Tina, forgive me for perhaps rubbing salt in the wound, but possibly also giving you some hope.

This "been going wrong for six months" thing screams at me that he has been lusting after this woman for six months, whether the relationship was underway then or began more recently you will probably never know. However think about how these feelings have given him the excitement of it being a secret from you, and also obviously stirring up his adrenalin every time he thought of her.

Now, moving on to the present - it's out in the open now, so no buzz of having a secret. Also the reality of busting up the comfortable home life he enjoys is kicking in, and he's really deciding he has made a huge mistake and doesn't want to throw out everything he has with you after all.

This is what is keeping him at home. The other woman is already history in his mind - he's only telling you he wants her because it justifies in his mind the wrong he has done you.

Now, can you find it in your heart to wipe the slate clean and offer him another chance? I may be wrong, I hope not, but I feel he will jump at it with relief and gratefulness that you are prepared to try to forgive him and rebuild your marriage.

You'll have to be very strong, but if I were in your shoes I think I would go for it. You've nothing to lose except misplaced pride after all. And you do still love him.

Also, with the development about his dad he will probably be feeling even more vulnerable and confused. If you can support him through this, it will strengthen your relationship and I suspect he will appreciate you all the more and never stray again.

Hope you don't mind me saying it how I see it. Good luck anyway with whatever you decide.

tinatony1

thank you pollycat, i will sit down at the weekend and sort it all out, sorry to be such a wimp but this is all so new to me

i wish i had done something about it before, then i wouldnt be in such a mess now.

H has said that the debts and specifically me trying to keep them from him has played a big part in all this trouble. i can see i was wrong there but i was only trying to sort it out myself because i thought that was best.

wrong again

Pollycat

Tina
you're not being a wimp, you've had one hell of a shock that's rocked your whole world.
When everything seems to be going ok, it's very easy to let things go on as they are.
Beating yourself up about how you dealt with things isn't worth it at this stage.

Dealing with your financial affairs may empower you.

I can see where Bogof_Babe is coming from but I'm not sure that I see the situation in the same way.
If it were so, it would be great for you.
The only way to find out is to ask him.

However, I do hope you're not setting yourself up to support him through his Dad's illness just for him to walk away when things are easier for him.

tinatony1

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Tina, forgive me for perhaps rubbing salt in the wound, but possibly also giving you some hope.

This "been going wrong for six months" thing screams at me that he has been lusting after this woman for six months, whether the relationship was underway then or began more recently you will probably never know. However think about how these feelings have given him the excitement of it being a secret from you, and also obviously stirring up his adrenalin every time he thought of her.

Now, moving on to the present - it's out in the open now, so no buzz of having a secret. Also the reality of busting up the comfortable home life he enjoys is kicking in, and he's really deciding he has made a huge mistake and doesn't want to throw out everything he has with you after all.

This is what is keeping him at home. The other woman is already history in his mind - he's only telling you he wants her because it justifies in his mind the wrong he has done you.

Now, can you find it in your heart to wipe the slate clean and offer him another chance? I may be wrong, I hope not, but I feel he will jump at it with relief and gratefulness that you are prepared to try to forgive him and rebuild your marriage.

You'll have to be very strong, but if I were in your shoes I think I would go for it. You've nothing to lose except misplaced pride after all. And you do still love him.

Also, with the development about his dad he will probably be feeling even more vulnerable and confused. If you can support him through this, it will strengthen your relationship and I suspect he will appreciate you all the more and never stray again.

Hope you don't mind me saying it how I see it. Good luck anyway with whatever you decide.

Thank you so much bogof-babe, i was asked by one of my colleagues yesterday if i would have him back and i said in a heartbeat, and i would, i wouldnt even hesitate but i dont know if he can make that decision yet.

i also feel that he is being pressured by her to move in and that is making it difficult for him to back out.

he has quite candidly said to me when we are talking normally that he doesnt think it will work out with her but he "has" to give it a chance.

i have told him i will be there for him with regards to his dad and he knows that i will be .

i just need to be strong and i guess play a bit of a waiting game.

In my head i am strong and playing a game that will end up with him coming back to me, i will be the strong, attractive person he fell in love with

Many of you may feel that this is just me denying the obvious, maybe it is

ineedtokickthehabbit

He really doesn't deserve you

tinatony1

He is a good man deep down, i just think he has lost his way.

I may be silly to want to help him after what he has done/is doing but at the end of it all i am still so much in love with him.

Maybe its just how i am, i have always put others first, possibly because deep down i dont thing i deserve to be first, but thats a whole other thread