I just do not know what to do

ineedtokickthehabbit

tinatony1 wrote: »

He is a good man deep down, i just think he has lost his way.

I may be silly to want to help him after what he has done/is doing but at the end of it all i am still so much in love with him.

Maybe its just how i am, i have always put others first, possibly because deep down i dont thing i deserve to be first, but thats a whole other thread

Hi

I do understand that, as I can be bit like that myself, but I think you really need him to make the decision regarding the other woman, the thing about him caring about her feelings is unfare and a bit of a cop out, same way that he blames the debt. He married you ,and made that committment and if he really wants to be with you he will end it with the other woman, she'll get over it, she know he's married. If it was me and its not, it would just hurt me too much.

I have been cheated on and have remained in the relationship, but I would not have been able to forgive and or start to try and mend things if he continued to see this other woman. That happened over 2 years ago now, but I still feel the pain, so whatever the outcome is, there is a long road ahead for you.

Bogof_Babe

tinatony1 wrote: »

i also feel that he is being pressured by her to move in and that is making it difficult for him to back out.

he has quite candidly said to me when we are talking normally that he doesnt think it will work out with her but he "has" to give it a chance.

Tina, re-read what you've written there. This is a man who is not in control of his destiny, and is continuing down a path that he knows is self-destructive because he knows he has blown it with you (or at this point "thinks" he has).

The big question now that he is not even allowing himself to ask himself is why does he "have to give it a chance"? Even while he knows in his heart that it won't work out.

Nope, all the signs point to a man who wants his decision made for him. The very fact that he feels pressured to move in with her says to me that he doesn't actually want to. Otherwise he'd have gone by now. He's got cold feet, simple as that.

This sort of love affair blows up in a big crescendo of fireworks, and can die down just as readily when the realities kick in.

I'd say bide your time, carry on letting him see you don't hate him although you have good reason to (more brownie points for you there), and see what happens next.

No harm in saying, just once but as though you mean it, that if he does go to her he can forget coming back. That just might help him focus his mind and make his decision.

Marriages are split up too easily these days, and yours has been a good one. Too good to throw away without giving it your best shot. If and when he makes the break, then we will support you through that. I really hope it doesn't come to that though - speaking from experience being alone isn't much fun.

tinatony1

thank you for your post, you seem to be very understanding of my situation.

indeed everyone has helped me in my times of need during these past few days

i just need to concentrate my mind on sorting out the finances next, which i will do on saturday.

i am also decluttering with the aim of selling on ebay to make some money to help pay off what i can.

marydot

tinatony1 wrote: »

He is a good man deep down, i just think he has lost his way.

I may be silly to want to help him after what he has done/is doing but at the end of it all i am still so much in love with him.

Maybe its just how i am, i have always put others first, possibly because deep down i dont thing i deserve to be first, but thats a whole other thread

A good man would never dump his wife for another woman..sounds like he wants best of both worlds.If you do decide to take him back he will do it again because you are allowing it to happen.Now you have shown him that you are willing to take him back and he is like ok wait a minite he is thinking I'll have my fun first with this other woman if it dont work out she take me back.

Be strong and end it before he has the chance to hurt you more.

neneromanova

Hey hun. Can you play hard to get at all? I know you really want him back, and that's obviously up to you. But the more you play hard to get, the more he will think, "hang on, she doesn't want me anymore, that's not right, bye bye new woman, please come back to me wifey". This is why people are saying chuck him out. This way he will think that you are moving on and it will give him a kick up the bum to either stay with new woman or come running back to you. He's only giving this new "relationship" a chance as he knows if it doesn't work out he can come back to you. So if you want to nip this in the bud quickly, you need to pretend you're over him and moving on. Hard I know.

Good Luck x

snipzychick

tinatony1 wrote: »

he doesnt think it will work out with her but he "has" to give it a chance.

Why does he 'HAVE' to give it a chance with her?

Is she pregnant Tina?

nm123_2

Tina - has he actually apologised?

You mention that he's said things weren't right for the past 6 months, do you know more about that? Can you get him to open up on this?

I agree with Bogof that he wants someone else to make the decision for him. I think you could end up being stronger if you can now properly talk about all this and communicate about it all as adult, being candid and open and real.

It's easy for us all to sit here and say "leave him, end it, don't look back" but I realise it's not that black and white. Thinking about your situation has made me think what I would do if my OH cheated on me, and I think I would feel the same as you - as in, he's lost his way, something's not right, but it might be worth fixing.

But - this is going to take some effort from him, you can't do all of this. I hope he understands this.

Bogof_Babe

Excellent post nm123, I agree with every word.

Most men, and a lot more women than would admit it, are susceptible to flattery from the opposite sex, and if their relationship with their partner has become a little samey then it only takes one moment's impulse to act on it and flirt back. Once they are on the slippery slope it gains its own momentum, and this is where it becomes destructive.

He has made a mistake. Yes it has caused Tina agony and anguish, and to question the whole foundation of her life, but to keep it in perspective he has only done what thousands of men do. The difference is that he has been found out.

I don't go along with the belief that the only outcome of a brief affair has to be divorce. It is up to the couple to decide if they can put it behind them and move on.

tinatony1

snipzychick wrote: »

Why does he 'HAVE' to give it a chance with her?

Is she pregnant Tina?

no she is definately not

Money_maker

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

but to keep it in perspective he has only done what thousands of men do.

OMG, does that mean its okay? I really do sympathise with Tina but with no children involved, I could not accept what is written above and it would destroy my relationship.

I applaud those who can get through something like this but it's something I could never accept.