I just do not know what to do

tinatony1

Thank you all for your kind and sensible words.

Thanks you salesaddict, i shed a few tears when i read your post, i am so touched by all the kindness from everyone on here.

I never did expect him to cheat on me and truly believe it was a shock for him as well. the silly? thing is i can forgive him and would trust him again, i know most of you will see this as blind faith and most will see him as a cheating scumbag but i know him.

Lunar_Eclipse

tinatony1 wrote: »

i understand what you say but i cant blame him as much as her because i just cant

every situation is different but he is being led by her i know this to be true, she is an amoral b**ch who thinks she has won.

I have also been following your thread and admire your commitment to your wedding vows.

However, I do feel that your blame is completely misplaced. Maybe it's natural. The other woman is not to blame in the slightest, that falls completely on your DH's shoulders. Whether or not you choose to forgive and/or forget, you should not fool yourself in the process. He is the person who is answerable to you for his actions. (I think technically it's probably anger filled jealousy that you are feeling for the other female, for having your OH's affections.)

Personally I would want to kill your OH if he was my husband, because I'm not picking up remorseful or decent behaviour being offered to you, the injured party, by him. Maybe it's just not being posted. Why (the hell!) is he still being led by her? Is he really an incredibly weak person, or could it be part of his plan?

And are you sure that you really do still love him? If so, why? Could it purely be sentiment (about what has been or could have been) or fear about being alone? I'm not suggested you answer these questions on this forum, I just thought they might help you through this incredibly difficult journey.

I agree with the poster who said he doesn't deserve you, but I think you both probably know that.

Pollycat

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

However, I do feel that your blame is completely misplaced. Maybe it's natural. The other woman is not to blame in the slightest, that falls completely on your DH's shoulders.

Doesn't it take two to tango (or have an affair)?

She works at the same place as he does, she will have been aware of his marital status.
She could have (and should have) said 'No'.
That's assuming that Tina's OH was the one doing the chasing - we don't know whether that's true or not.
The 'other woman' may have been the one to initiate the affair.

I agree that Tina's OH should have respected his marriage vows but I can't agree that the other woman 'is not to blame in the slightest'.

tinatony1

thank you

she must definately take some blame, she saw something she wanted and couldnt have cared less that he was with someone else, she has done something similar before apparently

Karen_30

Hey,

How you doing? Just wanted to pop in and say hello really. You are doing so well and are so brave - I really hope this all works out for the best for you.

Take care x

ElusiveLucy

thorsoak wrote: »

But what a prize she has won Tina .....a liar, who would cheat his wife ans use money for debts on another woman .....don't forget - when a man marries his mistress....there is a vacancy for another mistress.

History has a habit of repeating itself.

I can vouch for that. I left my husband because he couldn't keep his hands off his PA (after the second PA/time it happened). Several years later I find out that although he is still with her, he has been playing around with someone else. Do I have any sympathy for her? Do I hell! She has finally got what she deserves - to know what it is like to be the injured party. That leopard will never change his spots.

Lunar_Eclipse

Pollycat wrote: »

Doesn't it take two to tango (or have an affair)?

Yes, it does. However, the crucial fact is that she doesn't owe the OP any loyalty, unlike her husband.

Although it's besides the point, this other woman might not even have known he was in a relationship at all. My FIL practiced a well known art of removing his wedding ring when on business trips to attract other women. Sad but common apparently.

Lunar_Eclipse

tinatony1 wrote: »

thank you

she must definately take some blame, she saw something she wanted and couldnt have cared less that he was with someone else, she has done something similar before apparently

She might not have given you a second thought, probably unlike your husband who still decided to proceed. Sorry, that sounds horrible.:o

Having an affair with a married man is not a nice or respectful thing to do, but he is the one at fault. He was/is unavailable.

I'm not justifying her behaviour at all, so please don't think I am. I just find it odd that you are very angry with her, expressing a desire to cause her physical harm, but not at your husband who is the person who betrayed you. Can you see how irrational that comes across?

ETA: I think anger is one of the steps in the healing process that you will go through at some point, in your own time. Maybe now is not the time.

tinatony1

I know he is also in the wrong, he knows he is in the wrong.

what i am saying is that if she had had any respect for anyone she wouldnt have done anything and then this situation would not have happened.

He was becoming unhappy, if she had not been around then he would have told me eventually and it would have hopefully been able to be worked on.

I am annoyed at him but not as much as her, i am sorry if that is wrong but that is how i feel, if it does all come to an end with me and H then i will work through that at the time but at the moment i still have the hope that he will realise what a total pratt he has been.

sorry if that sounds like a rant

thorsoak

tinatony1 wrote: »

I know he is also in the wrong, he knows he is in the wrong.

what i am saying is that if she had had any respect for anyone she wouldnt have done anything and then this situation would not have happened.

He was becoming unhappy, if she had not been around then he would have told me eventually and it would have hopefully been able to be worked on.

I am annoyed at him but not as much as her, i am sorry if that is wrong but that is how i feel, if it does all come to an end with me and H then i will work through that at the time but at the moment i still have the hope that he will realise what a total pratt he has been.

sorry if that sounds like a rant

Sorry Tina .....but i'll bet his other wives used the same argument ..... stay strong girl - you're going to need to be!

I have a friend whose husband is a serial adulterer ...she stays with him, not because she loves him any more - but because she says she is "saving" another woman from the heartbreak she has gone through.

She says she still likes him - and can view his philanderings with some amusement ...but is she really happy - I don't really think so