I just do not know what to do

tinatony1

Thanks Lunar Eclipse, as every day passes i am feeling more and more hopeless and that a happy ending is not going to happen.

i am so trying to be strong but he is such a difficult man to read that i really dont know and for me that is really hard, i thought i knew him so well !!!!!!!

Lunar_Eclipse

Pollycat wrote: »

LunarEclipse
As Tina said early in this thread, the 'other woman' knew Tina's OH was married.

To me, that doesn't make her 'not to blame in the slightest'.

I must have missed that part.

Perhaps I could have chosen better words to express what I meant. I should have written 'she isn't to blame for any deception or betrayal that the OP is experiencing, since she doesn't owe her any loyalty, unlike her husband. Obviously she was part of the affair, a relationship which is outside of marriage'. If you disagree with that perception, we'll agree to disagree.

neneromanova

Are you still sleeping in the same bed?

If so, I know this sounds weird, But why not research into talking to him while he sleeps? He won't know he's talking to you but you can ask him things that you wouldn't normally when he was awake.

Lunar_Eclipse

tinatony1 wrote: »

Thanks Lunar Eclipse, as every day passes i am feeling more and more hopeless and that a happy ending is not going to happen.

i am so trying to be strong but he is such a difficult man to read that i really dont know and for me that is really hard, i thought i knew him so well !!!!!!!

I'm not sure if you are spiritual/religious or believe in karma, but I truely believe that everything in life happens for a reason.

No-one knows what future happiness looks like, so don't worry about your happy ending too much. As long as you are true to yourself and give it your best shot, I'm sure you'll find peace and happiness.

Stay strong; you'll get through this.:) xxx

fabforty

Try not to define you and him together forever as the happy ending. The happy ending will be when you once again feel valued, loved, appreciated and content. When you no longer feel hurt, let down, angry and betrayed. That WILL come with time, - it might be you with him, it might be you with someonelse, or it might be you by yourself. Last night might have felt awful, but actually it was a good thing, it's part of a process. Is there any chance of you going away for a while? It know sounds like a cliche, but time away from everybody - including him, and this forum - really can help to put things in perspective. At the moment, the outcome seems to be purely in his hands when actually it's down to both of you. If you have been in constant contact with him (together but not together) since this has happened, it's no wonder that you don't know what to do or what to think. My advice-for what it's worth- would be to take some time out, from him and from everyone. You have given him an ultimatum and time to think, which is good, but it sounds as if you are seeing each other and talking daily or very frequently, which gets in the way of the thinking (if you see what I mean). You said in an eatrlier post that you wanted him to see what he would be missing, but so far he hasn't had to because for intents and purposes, you are still (sort of) together. When my partner cheated on me, I asked (sorry told) him to leave the house. In my heart I knew it was probably over, because I didn't see how I could ever trust him again. However, there was a chance of us working it out, but I needed to get my head around it first. He would call at all hours of the day and night, 'just to show that he cared' or to say hi, come around to do man stuff (move a wardrobe etc) but actually it was his way of holding on and stopping me from moving on. Finally I told him to stop calling, writing, texting, to stay away, and let me think and that I would be in touch when I had decided what I wanted to do. I did a lot of shouting, ranting and talking, to myself. It took me a week to realise that we definitely had no future, and it took him that same week to realise what he had lost.

Whatever you do, just make sure that you take care of yourself - because nobody else can do that for you.

salesaddict

Hi Tina,

I just wondered what you have been doing during these long evenings(apart from watching the Thornbirds)? When I have been through bad times I have really tried to just watch comedies on TV and I definitely try to stay away from any type of music that makes the tears flow even more. I remember reading about a lady who was devastated when her husband left her out of the blue. But doing seemingly insignificant things like having coffee and croissants for breakfast, which she preferred, instead of tea and toast, which he preferred, started to help.

Have you got any good friends or work colleagues you could go out with? I know money is tight but I find it really helps to spend a couple of hours talking with trusted friends who won't judge you and also just having a chance to let your hair down outside your own four walls.

I also found immersing myself in a good book really helped to take my mind off things and I have always found it helpful to look outside myself and see how other people are coping with problems in their own lives (like on this forum)

I am sure you already do these sort of things, but also I just wanted to wish you well and let you know I am thinking of you.

I hope that you are not as busy at work, as I think you mentioned at the beginning of your thread. With your silly manager thinking that overloading you would somehow be good therapy for you.

nikki2804

Tina, I've only just came across this thread but I have to say I applaud you for being so strong.

Me and my OH had a scenario like this. We had been together for a while when I stumbled across a social networking site that he was on. I managed to log in to it (i suspected something was up) and it showed he had been in contact with his ex and was contemplating getting back together with her. Strangely though he told her he had never been happier with me.

I asked him to go, I didn't want to see him again but he literally begged me for another chance. I made him cry (something I am not proud of, the only other time he did this was when his mum died)

It took a long time for me to trust him again. I constantly checked his email, his phone, I nit picked every night out he had. It drove him crazy but he understood. It got to a point where 2 days before we were due to go on holiday (6 months after I found out) I told him it was over and to change my name on the ticket. He again begged me to stay.

Now, just over a year on, we have our own house (albeit rented) and a gorgeous little boy. We both never been happier. I think having Lewis showed us that our priorities were now different.

I'm not in any way saying have a baby with the man, I'm just trying to say even if he does come back to you could you both live with the constant lack of trust (which there will be, either you thinking he'll do it again or him thinking you might go out and cheat just to get even)

If you do stay together then it will take work but hopefully you can both be happy - it can happen

But whatever happens I wish you the best of luck and all the happiness possible. Theres always a silver lining!

Hugs xx

Bogof_Babe

littleminx wrote: »

Hi,I just want to say how deeply sorry i feel for you at this time.I have just had a nasty shock myself.Don't know if i am being a bit irrational,but my daughter was looking through my OH msn contacts and i came across a name i did not expect to be there.Do i ask why she is on there or do i say nowt?been through a bad tine a while ago but all been fine.What do you think?

I'd ask him, without making a big deal of it. It's probably perfectly innocent, and it will only eat away at you if you don't find out. If it's anything like Facebook where people invite friends of friends to be their contacts it might be someone he hardly knows.

MyRubyRed

Hi Tina, If I were in your shoes I would be reacting in exactly the same way. The woman knew he was married and if she had any integrity she would not have encouraged him or opened the door if indeed it was him doing the chasing. I would not worry about it coming out in their workplace and I'm 100% certain that if it does you won't be the one looking stupid. It appears you have dealt with the whole situation with an admirable amount of dignity....never mind if you have shouted and screamed at OH (that's allowed) or that you have sought and I hope found, support here ( hope we have helped)......its the fact you haven't gone round there and punched her bloody lights out or turned up at their workplace and made a scene that has elevated you way beyond his and her level.
What you must ensure though, is that you dignity is not taken as compliance/acceptance of this situation. My personal view is that OH has to make a decision on what he wants and at some point (sooner rather than later) and you are going to have to be stronger still and force that by way of an ultimatum.
Ive asked before what local support you have by way of friends and family. I may have missed some posts but the only person Ive seen you refer to is your dad. Do you have any other close friends around you?
Please please feel free to PM me at any time. Routing for you love
xxxx

Sexy_Legs

Tina

I have also been following your thread and really feel for what you are going through.

Be strong and stick by your ultamatum. When does he have to give you his final decision. I would have thought he would know what that is by now, but I really hope it works in your favour.

D