I just do not know what to do

tinatony1

maggied wrote: »

How did you know she's texted him? Did he tell you? Yes he told me

You need to rediscover your self respect - nothing you don't know, but feeling a small sense of victory because the woman your bloke has been cheating on you with was a bit cheesed off?

Is that the person you are? It doesn't sound like it. No its not like me

As difficult as it is, can you take a step back. You have several options in front of you.

1. You limp towards Saturday when your OH makes a decision. Then:
a) he chooses you -if this happens you will have to forgive him and learn to trust him - what guarantees do you have that he won't see this other woman again? what is he going to do to earn your trust?

b) he chooses mooseface - you cry for a while, drink too much wine, sleep with some unsuitable men and then move on with your life. You WILL find love again with someone who doesn't cheat on you. I will cry, i may drink too much but i wont sleep with anyone else, i cant be like that

You have no control over either of these things.

The other options are:

2. You tell him you're tired of him p1ssing about and tell him to get his sorry ar*e back to yours tomorrow or never. would it work or would i just lose him quicker?

3. You tell him that because of the disgusting way he has treated you he can jog on. Permanently.

11 years IS a huge part of anyone's life, and I don't know how old you are, but you have what? - 30, 40, 50 years left on the planet that are there to be enjoyed - all that opportunity to feel happy and fulfilled - is this man going to offer you that? I am 37, he is 44. i want him to offer me all that if he hadnt had his funny 5 minutes then i think we would have had all that

What if you stay together and have children? What if he has another little attack like this and leaves you in the lurch with not just yourself to look after and worry about but children as well - you only have to take a look on the boards here to see how vile that can be.

i dont know, but i am getting too old now (biologically) to even think about starting again with another man (not that i want to) and having a family

I guess what it all comes down to is that there is this man who has done a wicked thing to me but i still love him with every atom in my body and i am too blinded by that to see what could be because all i want is for my lovely life back.

i can see for some of you that is stupid and you may be right but ???

Pollycat

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Do you think the affair is why your relationship eventually came to an end?

It actually destroyed all the trust I had in him, so I guess the affair was part of the reason it ended.

tinatony1 wrote: »

I know i know i know

all of what you have said is true but he has been my whole life for 11 years and i cant just stop feeling what i do.

i cant comtemplate the rest of my life without him, i really believed he was "the" one for me, the only one, i have completely loved him since i met him and still love him with the same intensity

i probably know that i have to accept that i will not get what i want but how do i go about that

we had plans for holidays and a baby, why has this all so sudenly changed

if he could explain to me then i could try to understand but he cant or wont

Tina, I was married to my ex-OH for 11 years too - and believed he was 'the one'.
It was love at first sight.

If you had been making plans for a baby and holidays during the 6 months that he felt things hadn't been right between you - he's been very duplicitous.

I think you should read through the whole of this thread and see just how badly this guy has been messing with your head for the last month.

he doesnt even know if he wants to repair it
he said he needed a couple of days apart to think things over so i agreed

he has told that he doesnt feel anything for me anymore, well thats what he thinks?

have asked him if we can both try at this rather than throw 11 years away and he said he didnt know

well to keep you all up to date, it is definately over

Well we had another talk last night and this morning and to be honest i am still not sure what is happening, i am getting the feeling from him that he may be having second thoughts
he even helped me prepare a meal last night, that hasnt happened in months

maybe he has started to realise what he is throwing away

he is still at home for the most point but last night he went to her so was the first night i was completely alone and i dont like it

dont think he will change his mind, this other women has apparently asked to move in.

i just cant believe that the man i have been totally in love with for 11 years is now being like this, did i really have it so wrong, have i just been stupid in giving everything to him, i thought we had a great life, apart from the debts that is, but everything else i thought was the best.

he keeps telling me i have to move on like he has, but whats the point, i dont want anyone else, ever

he has told me that he will be going at the end of the week, starting to move stuff out slowly during this week and i know that it has to happen but the pain is so hard to bear

I am doing ok today, me and H had a bit of a talk last night, to be honest i think he is just as confused as i am at the moment

he is talking about what to buy me for christmas etc.

he still has a week and a half to come to his decision

then he starts to get annoyed, i suggested that he has already made up his mind and if he has he needs to tell me and he says he hasnt

then in the next breath he is asking me to come out to one of his pool nights tonight and on thursday.

And round and round he goes.
I'm sorry if this seems brutal, but he really is doing a number on you.

Pollycat

2. You tell him you're tired of him p1ssing about and tell him to get his sorry ar*e back to yours tomorrow or never. would it work or would i just lose him quicker?

If you mean by 'would it work?' that he'll choose you - then nobody knows the answer to that - except maybe him.

maggied_2

Originally Posted by maggied
How did you know she's texted him? Did he tell you? Yes he told me This is ringing serious alarm bells - why did he tell you? Is he getting off on having two women after him?

You need to rediscover your self respect - nothing you don't know, but feeling a small sense of victory because the woman your bloke has been cheating on you with was a bit cheesed off?

Is that the person you are? It doesn't sound like it. No its not like me

As difficult as it is, can you take a step back. You have several options in front of you.

1. You limp towards Saturday when your OH makes a decision. Then:
a) he chooses you -if this happens you will have to forgive him and learn to trust him - what guarantees do you have that he won't see this other woman again? what is he going to do to earn your trust?

b) he chooses mooseface - you cry for a while, drink too much wine, sleep with some unsuitable men and then move on with your life. You WILL find love again with someone who doesn't cheat on you. I will cry, i may drink too much but i wont sleep with anyone else, i cant be like that - sorry, applying my own low standards to other people

You have no control over either of these things.

The other options are:

2. You tell him you're tired of him p1ssing about and tell him to get his sorry ar*e back to yours tomorrow or never. would it work or would i just lose him quicker?
At least you'd know quicker...I know you don't want to force this in case you don't get the answer you want. If he wants to come back he'll want to come back tomorrow. Waiting until the weekend isn't going to make any difference. Some might argue if he wanted to come back he'd be banging your front door down - is he staying over night with the other woman?



3. You tell him that because of the disgusting way he has treated you he can jog on. Permanently.

11 years IS a huge part of anyone's life, and I don't know how old you are, but you have what? - 30, 40, 50 years left on the planet that are there to be enjoyed - all that opportunity to feel happy and fulfilled - is this man going to offer you that? I am 37, he is 44. i want him to offer me all that if he hadnt had his funny 5 minutes then i think we would have had all that.
I mean this as gently as possible - it's not 5 minutes is it? It's not a daft fling or a moment of madness - he's still spending time with her :eek::eek::eek:

What if you stay together and have children? What if he has another little attack like this and leaves you in the lurch with not just yourself to look after and worry about but children as well - you only have to take a look on the boards here to see how vile that can be.

i dont know, but i am getting too old now (biologically) to even think about starting again with another man (not that i want to) and having a family

I guess what it all comes down to is that there is this man who has done a wicked thing to me but i still love him with every atom in my body and i am too blinded by that to see what could be because all i want is for my lovely life back.

i can see for some of you that is stupid and you may be right but ???

I really feel for you but he's taking the p1ss....no one thinks you're stupid and I know how you feel about time running out for starting a family but he's making a mockery of you.

Sorry if any of that sounds mean.....read through Pollycat's response - she's right.

xxxx

Lunar_Eclipse

Pollycat wrote: »

It actually destroyed all the trust I had in him, so I guess the affair was part of the reason it ended.

That's what I (sadly) thought.

Tina, I'm 38 and have been with my OH for almost 20 years, so I understand about sentiment and nostalgia. Granted I have children and won't be having any more, but I wouldn't think twice about ending the relationship if he had an affair and proceeded to carry on seeing her whilst we were supposedly in a decision making time about our future, as you are. I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than with a worthless, pathetic excuse for a husband. If he was remorseful and committed to doing everything possible to saving the relationship as soon as it was out in the open then it may be possible to salvage. Even then I suspect the trust would be permanently destroyed for me.

Having said that, you need to do what's right for you. No-one is trying to make you feel stupid. We're all just trying to help you along by offering our different experiences, thoughts and observations on the matter. There may well be a lightbulb moment so to speak, or some nugget of information that helps you handle things. The only thing I think you should do is NOT be guided by fear. Being guided by misplaced love is one thing, but being guided by fear (of being alone, what ifs etc) is not a healthy choice.

On a positive, whatever happens, you will be starting afresh to some degree on Sunday.

tinatony1

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

That's what I (sadly) thought.

Tina, I'm 38 and have been with my OH for almost 20 years, so I understand about sentiment and nostalgia. Granted I have children and won't be having any more, but I wouldn't think twice about ending the relationship if he had an affair and proceeded to carry on seeing her whilst we were supposedly in a decision making time about our future, as you are. I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than with a worthless, pathetic excuse for a husband. If he was remorseful and committed to doing everything possible to saving the relationship as soon as it was out in the open then it may be possible to salvage. Even then I suspect the trust would be permanently destroyed for me. Thats what i always thought, i never thought i would actually have to deal with it though and i certainly didnt think i would feel like this. I have never felt a pain like it in my life, it is not just emotional it is physical as well

Having said that, you need to do what's right for you. No-one is trying to make you feel stupid. We're all just trying to help you along by offering our different experiences, thoughts and observations on the matter. There may well be a lightbulb moment so to speak, or some nugget of information that helps you handle things. The only thing I think you should do is NOT be guided by fear. Being guided by misplaced love is one thing, but being guided by fear (of being alone, what ifs etc) is not a healthy choice.

How can i not be guided by fear to an extent, it is not the overwhelming feeling, the feeling of loss is the worst but fear/sorrow/sadness are all present in equal measure

On a positive, whatever happens, you will be starting afresh to some degree on Sunday.

I just want to scream and scream that this is wrong and i want it back to how it always was. it was good, it was great, yes we had problems but we always worked them through, when i was hurt or sad or upset he always made it better, i need that to come back:(

Pollycat

tinatony1 wrote: »

I just want to scream and scream that this is wrong and i want it back to how it always was. it was good, it was great, yes we had problems but we always worked them through, when i was hurt or sad or upset he always made it better, i need that to come back:(

I'm not sure that it will ever be back to how it was, even if your OH chooses to stay with you.

No matter how sure you are that you CAN forgive and forget, whenever he's not with you you may well find yourself wondering what he's doing, who he is with, is he talking to her at work, are they having lunch together etc etc.

I'm not saying that it's impossible - it's just damn hard once you've been betrayed.

And quite often the person who has been unfaithful gets jealous because they worry that their partner will do the same thing to them.

I really do hope that it works out for you, Tina, but it may not be the idyllic relationship you hope for.
I worry that you are so desperate to keep this guy that, if he stays with you, he will walk all over you - because he knows he can get away with anything.

tinatony1

i know i have to get stronger and harder, i know this deep down but getting there is another matter

I suppose that i am still in deep shock about the whole thing.

Never in my wildest dreams did i ever expect to be facing this.

this is the mindset i have to get out of but i just dont know how

thorsoak

Tina - look in the mirror at the strong woman there - does she deserve a man that would cheat on her? No she doesn't!

A man that is too weak to make a decision? No she doesn't!

None of us knows what lies around the corner in our lives - but sure as eggs are eggs, we need to know that the man beside us is the man that we can trust!

Lunar_Eclipse

tinatony1 wrote: »

I just want to scream and scream that this is wrong and i want it back to how it always was. it was good, it was great, yes we had problems but we always worked them through, when i was hurt or sad or upset he always made it better, i need that to come back:(

I understand that.

I am so sorry that he has made you feel like this. I honestly think this is the worst part of it all; the damage he has done to your self-esteem and health, via your drastic weight loss. I'm not sure all this waiting is doing you any good!