Issues already with who to invite to wedding- ARGH

clarence83_2

Hi Everyone

I got back from my holiday 2 weeks ago, where my (now fiance!) proposed. Of course I said yes and we are now planning our wedding and getting SO excited about it.:beer:

However we have already come up against a BIG problem- my fiance's mother is not happy with who we have invited, as it excludes her sister.

Basically, my partner and I want a small wedding (20 people) at his parents house in France. We are paying for it, and we have both invited 10 people each. On my side that includes my parents and their partners, my brother and sister, my grandad and my best friend who is bridesmaid.

On OH side it is his parents, grandma, grandpa, and the rest friends as he has no siblings.

Aside from the fact that we want a small wedding, we are planning a BIG party when we are back from our honeymoon, so everyone else can attend. i will get to wear my dress again, we will still have a 1st dance, there will be food... that sort of thing. EVERYONE we know will be invited.

My mother in law to-be is not happy that we haven't invited aunties and uncles to the wedding as she wants her sister to be there (apparently she is dying of embarassment at the thought of telling her that she's not coming). My OH doesn't know his auntie at all- she lives hours away and we literally never see her, plus when we do she is quite sharp and not at all easy to talk to. This is why we want our most important family there, we want it to be intimate and for everyone to know each other and be relaxed.

This has really peed the MIL off and my FIL has said that it "won't go away" and that we would have to invite her to keep her happy. My partner and I are furious that we have been given this ultimatum as its OUR wedding and WE should choose who goes.

They have used loads of "ammunition" against us, saying that I have more family there already so the auntie will help balance it out (WELL SORRY THAT MY PARENTS ARE DIVORCED AND THAT I HAVE SIBLINGS!), besides I have less friends going because of this. Plus, it's all or nothing. All the aunties and uncles go, or none at all. And if we start inviting aunties and uncles, that's at least another 10 guests. We simply don't have the space or the inclination to do this.

How to deal with this situation?? I am so stuck, help!

Buddingblonde

I would be tempted to tell them that it is your wedding and if they dont like your plans then you will get married elsewhere and they wont be invited.

Dont let others hijack your day

kalaika

I think you've answered you own question in your last paragraph.

Tell your MIL that it's your day, that you've chosen who to invite based on the space and finances available and that there are many people missing out as a result, not just this Aunt (both family and friends of both you and your fiance). It may sound harsh, but she's just got to deal with it.

Bethankim

smile sweetly, stick to your guns and let your finace deal with his mother. put up a united front and be as joyously happy as you are and plan it the way you want. either your future MIL will continue to be a martyr til she gets her own way or she will get excited and let go a little..if she carries on agree an approach with your finace and deal with her together - be polite and firm and thats it. If you give in now, imagine how much worse she may get over future children, christmas gatherings etc..she may be used to getting her own way and the family give in for a quiet life!

I have a lovely MIL - who can be a madame and is very prone to using the emotional blackmail card at times but (perhaps its my age) I dont do that kind of behaviour from anyone - im not rude but dont !!!!! foot around either..she knows it and i know it and we are fine...

fantasia322

MIL using emotional blackmail before she is even an official MIL. Stand firm. Tell her to back off. Your wedding, your way or you will get married else where. She will huf & puff but if you stand firm, she will get the message. If you let her start dictating now. She will do it all the time. sort is asap or it will cause you nothing but stress. remember this is YOUr day (and fiance), and just because she gave birth to him, she has no right to dictate who goes to his wedding. A son is only a son till he takes a wife and all that, she's maybe afraid of losing her little boy and trying to cling to a little bit of authority.
Tell her now or get OH to do it.

Penny-Pincher!!

It always amazes me why we are supposed to invite family to parties/weddings etc when we dont know or even like them????? Most of our family members we would NEVER chose as friends!!!

Your day....your choice!

If your MIL wants aunt there, maybe she will give up her place??

PP
xx

MrsTinks

Stand your ground - this is YOUR big day and not hers. She won't die from embarressment or anything close no matter how much of a drama she makes about it. So long as your OH is happy with his list of guests then I don't see the problem? If however she wants to make a huge song and dance about it then say this simple phrase which will shut her up: "OUR wedding, WE'RE paying, WE decide! END! OF! ARGUMENT!" If she doesn't like it then have the wedding elsewhere and relinquish the last remnant of control that she has over it

RachelW1987

Congrats and I will just say one sentance now

It's your wedding and you can do what the hell you want!!

Paparika

Tell future MIL it's your wedding and you and your hubby to be are the ones that choose

fantasia322

Quizzical_Squirrel wrote: »

and you'll have to live with the potential fallout from it for the rest of your married life.

Is it really worth the risk for one small compromise? What are you going to lose or gain by excluding this one aunt?

Do you feel you'd have to invite more people from your family if you did so it would increase your budget by more than one person?

Do you just want to 'win' in this situation and not be brow-beaten, you know, get off off the right foot with your in-laws? Do you feel you can't back down now without looking foolish?

If this is the case, I'd say pick your battles and this is a needless one

But she should'nt have to. If the balance had already been decided MIL had no right to stick her oar in and try and change things. Agreed life is about compromise. But the stress gets caused when MIL's and others but their twopennyworth in and try and get the bride and groom to do things differently. Surely they are allowed to have their day the way they want it without having to try and keep MIL happy. If they give in now she will be dictating how they bring up their children, choosing the decor and furnishings in their home and forever finding fault.

wendy+5

I'd be tempted to go off with OH and a couple of witnesses and get married on the quiet!