Issues already with who to invite to wedding- ARGH

DKLS

This makes interesting reading, I met a friend for dinner last night, and we are both getting married next year and were discussing the politics and differences between the weddings, My mate is a muslim, and is inviting 1100 guests to the do!!!! with catering at £10 per head I am having 40.

I have been strict, if I haven't seen a family member for 15 years plus they aint coming, and have been pretty ruthless with cutting the guest list down.

However my mate, agrees with me, but to avoid potential feuds that can last centuries, he has to invite everyone, he gave up grumbing at 600 guests :rotfl:as they say its your day and no one elses, stand firm for what you both want and be very pleased that it isnt an asian wedding you have to organise.

Skintmama

First off I must say I cannot abide emotional blackmail but unfortunately there is almost always someone in a family who will exert this kind of pressure. This is a great opportunity for you and your fiance to sort out how you will handle these situations and family dynamics generally. Please don’t be tempted to wade in there and resolve it for him but perhaps offer to support his decision and let everyone know you are doing this.
You don’t say why you are using your in laws home as your wedding venue. Is it because they would have difficulty attending otherwise, or because it is a lovely place, big enough, low cost etc? It is bound to involve your M+FIL in considerable effort to prepare their home and possibly some expense too. You will need them on side for the day to go well, as you will want to enjoy your day rather than attending to the many details which will crop up at the last moment. Pragmatically, and perhaps to get off on the right foot, inviting the aunt may not be too high a price to pay.
I don’t find it helpful to think in terms of battles and giving in but of being prepared to listen and make reasonable compromises. Inviting this aunt will not necessarily mean having to abide by your MILs wishes for evermore.

fernliebee

What about your OH ringing his aunt and speaking to her about it. Explain the situation to her, and see if she actually minds, he can say he want's to resolve it as he would hate to hurt her feelings, but really doesn't want a big wedding as they are going to celebrate at the party when you return. She might not even be too fussed about it, it might just be MIL. if she actually is fussed then maybe suggest that if MIL pays for her then she can come, but remember if you start that she may charge for use of her house!!

I think stand your ground, it's your day, you are paying and ultimately it is none of MIL business who you invite to your wedding, but she may be funny about guests being on her property if it turns into a battle of wills. but if it doesn't bother you hugely her being there maybe come to a compromise and you invite one more guest too, or get OH to 'replace' a friend.

Kimie

clarence83 wrote: »

We are paying for it, and we have both invited 10 people each.

Weddings are so complicated however I've highlighted the above as I honestly think that if you are paying for it then it is up to you to decide between you who to invite. It is your day not the MIL's and you should stand your ground!

Mrs_pbradley936

Quizzical_Squirrel wrote: »

I think you should invite the aunt.

So do I - it is only one more and if it will marr your future relationship with the inlaws is it worth it?

tizhimi

we're using our wedding as a way to weed out 'family members' and 'friends' that we don't actually like and don't want to spend time with. We are paying for our wedding... why the hell should we invite people we don't like?
Its caused a few rows to which we have replied
"and?" "its OUR WEDDING"
At the end of the day we are going to be annoyed if there are people we don't like at our special day.

(My motto is nark everyone then everyone can be annoyed and no one can feel left out!)

Screw the aunt. Job done.

tandraig

my sis had a MIL like this one sounds and insisted on vetting the guest list and even invited some distant rellies not even my sis's intended had heard of. she ended up with about twenty more guests than she originally budgeted for. not only that but MIL-from-hell then took charge of seating arrangements when we were preparing venue and deviated from sis's carefully worked out plan saying oh you cant put so-and-so by there or he can sit by her they row.....and nearly caused a major upset in both families! get her under control now hun - If i had to change the venue to have things my way - I would! sis was far too nice and MIL walked all over her. (shes divorced from that one now btw and her next wedding no-one went to as she went to dominican republic and had huge party when she got home) result - no one was left out or offended.

poet123

tizhimi wrote: »

we're using our wedding as a way to weed out 'family members' and 'friends' that we don't actually like and don't want to spend time with. We are paying for our wedding... why the hell should we invite people we don't like?
Its caused a few rows to which we have replied
"and?" "its OUR WEDDING"
At the end of the day we are going to be annoyed if there are people we don't like at our special day.

(My motto is nark everyone then everyone can be annoyed and no one can feel left out!)

Screw the aunt. Job done.

With an attitude like that I shouldn't imagine there will be too many upset people around:rolleyes: Honestly, a wedding, like life and relationships, is about, or rather imo should be about, compromise, trying to ensure everyone feels valued, and having a wonderful day in front of family and friends. Not stamping your foot and insisting you get your own way in every last detail, at the expense of family harmony, and just because you can.

In the grand scheme of things does one extra family member really make that much difference pricewise? not really, so the bottom line is that a refusal is not about money, but about being seen to have your own way. Go ahead and do that, but there will be a price to pay further down the line, and it may be much higher than the cost of an extra person at a wedding breakfast. Goodwill goes a long way in family relationships. Also, to the OP, you may be paying for the cost of the catering etc, but if you are using the MIL's house you are not paying for a venue,with all the attendant costs, that alone should be food for thought.

Very childish and immature imo, and not a recipe for a long lasting or happy married life, and certainly not for harmony with the extended family.

tizhimi

Actually, I don't give a damn about the wedding, weddings are a complete farce from start to finish. But its MY farce. And I shall farce however I feel fit. So up yours poet123. Your off the guest list. And most certainly not getting any of the cake. Maybe on your face. If your lucky.

poet123

tizhimi wrote: »

Actually, I don't give a damn about the wedding, weddings are a complete farce from start to finish. But its MY farce. And I shall farce however I feel fit. So up yours poet123. Your off the guest list. And most certainly not getting any of the cake. Maybe on your face. If your lucky.

I think you proved my point delightfully!!!:T