I think I may have been too nosey for my own good - where do I go from here?

Lunar_Eclipse

I think we're reading the calm before the storm.

In this situation I would be shocked and heartbroken, because I would know the relationship was over.

londoner1998

robbiecaratiger wrote: »

I'd be gutted if my wife was doing this. And if I was doing it, she'd tie my nuts in a sling !

My thoughts exactly...
Please, don't lower yourself to your OH's standards by flirting with other guys or even thinking of how to get back at him. Just go. Leave him. Pack up your bags and disappear. If he wants to know why, tell him. By being honest and forthright you are showing him you are a much better person than he is and still hold some class by just moving on with your life without trying to creating even move pain. Getting back at him will only hurt you more and make all this already horrid situation into something you will live to regret. And by the way, you will not get a reaction by flirting with other guys, he will instead feel validated in doing what he does.
Stop the games and show yourself some respect- only then can other people start respecting you.
Have faith and courage, you don't deserve being dragged into this kind of situation.

Bold-girl

McKneff wrote: »

I'll keep on with the 'spying' for the moment, but as one person says, I may just chat up the cute guys on holiday (if I dare!!) if only to see if he actually notices me doing anything different! Wouldn't be any good in a sexy bikini if you saw my figure LOL


Two wrongs dont make a right - why would you even think of doing this, its childish to say the least.

I agree with you here - I don't know why I said it - I'd never chat up guys like that nor any other way to be honest.

As to why I'm so calm is that I think it may because of low self esteem, my OH has been the one who wears the trousers in our household and I've been more or less happy to let him do so. Now our children are living away and we're on our own again we've lost our way in our own relationship and it's a struggle to get it back again. His last 'affair' was a wake up call and we tried to sort it out, but it seems it didn't work! We talked about it and he realised how hurt I was and also said we would do more things together and he'd help more around the house - and it's taken a year to go back exactly where he was!

Deep down I know that the marriage is a sham, on the surface we seem to be fine, but behind closed doors we aren't on the same wavelength at all. We have many activities to keep us busy, but they are totally different from each other. His is more to do with sport and mine is more to do with church - and although we both agreed that we'd try to do more things together, we cannot find a happy medium. The marriage is also a sham in that is it celibate - he has erectile problems but refuses to go to the doctor with them and so we just carry on as we are. Because of that I know that he would never have a sexual affair - that's one of the reasons why I am so calm, and apart from on here where no one knows us, no-one else knows of his problems.

We have a good life generally, a nice home, lovely family and no money worries, but is it enough to keep us together? I've tried hard not to be too harsh in my opinions, but he does seem like a serial flirter and it does upset me.

Why I'm not going to mention it before/during our holiday is that when it will be just the two of us, we are fine and can have a good time. It will be brought out in the open when we get back if it continues in the same vein. I will then decide what to do. Last time he offered to leave, but I felt that was too much. If he offers that again, I might take him up on it, or could we live apart, but in the same house same as students? The house is big enough!

Anyway, I'm unable to be online again till late this weekend or Monday. So I will come back with any more news, although the OW will be on her holidays so there will be no exchanges of emails.

Thanks for listening to me and for your helpful replies.

BADPENNY_2

You need to confront your husband asap. Spying on them will only give their relationship chance to progress. it sounds like it is only a matter of time before it progresess into a full blown affair. You need to confront the problems in your relationship and I think the fact that you are very calm about this matter speaks volumes about the state of your relationship, I know I would be totally heartbroken if I discovered my partner behaving in this way and no way would I keep quiet and hope it will blow over. If somebody is going to cheat then they will cheat so if this dosn't develop into an affair with this woman then you can be certain it will in the future with somebody else. You can't be in a happy relationship with someone you can't trust 100% he is totally disrespectful of your feelings and sounds like he isn't that bothered about you finding out. Have it out with him but at the end of the day you have to be true to yourself and admit do you trust him, if the answer is no then you have to move on for your sanity's sake.

mrcow

Bold-girl wrote: »

Why I'm not going to mention it before/during our holiday is that when it will be just the two of us, we are fine and can have a good time. It will be brought out in the open when we get back if it continues in the same vein. I will then decide what to do. Last time he offered to leave, but I felt that was too much. If he offers that again, I might take him up on it, or could we live apart, but in the same house same as students? The house is big enough!

Low self esteem doesn't even begin to sum this up. You're not going to mention him utterly betraying and insulting you with a friend of yours because you don't want to ruin a "nice" holiday?

And you'll split if he offers to leave? And even then, you'd consider living in the same house? But he'll just have free rein to flirt with who he likes then as he'll have to care even less about your feelings than he does now?

Can you not see how twisted and pathetic it sounds when you read it back?

Low self esteem? Sheeshing heck - what has he done to you?

Just ask yourself - why is it that you think you have low self esteem in the first place? Possibly because you're living with someone who has stripped you of all the confidence you ever had and sucked the life out of you?

Have you always been like this? What about before you met him? Did you used to be a different person? More confident? Ever?

Stephb1986_2

I'd have it out with him hun. I'd cut my mans balls off if I found him chatting up another woman but maybe that's just me. It's not the physical side of things that is worrying if he has problems in the downstairs department. It's the fact that he is using his mind to have these dirty emails to this other married woman its an affair in the mind when the only real person he should be doing that with is you! Your his bloody wife FGS.

Steph xx

suegoo

The marriage is also a sham in that is it celibate - he has erectile problems but refuses to go to the doctor with them and so we just carry on as we are. Because of that I know that he would never have a sexual affair

That was what I thought about my now ex husband, until I discovered he was having an affair and he had discovered viagra.

robbiecaratiger

You can't be 100% he's not having a dabble elsewhere.

Arrange for the 4 of you (both partners) to go out together & then quietly monitor the mails.

Zazen999

Because of that I know that he would never have a sexual affair - that's one of the reasons why I am so calm, and apart from on here where no one knows us, no-one else knows of his problems.

Yup, Viagra and a new lady usually sort that one out.

OP - you do what you want to do but I wholeheartedly agree with MrCow.....what has he done to you?

Summer-Caitlin

Just because he has erectile problems with you, does not mean he has erectile problems in general. Don't mean to sound harsh, but maybe he can and does stand to attention for someone else! Secrecy and all this flirtation through email can be very arousing for people, he must find some joy in it and you can't be sure he can't perform physically. I think I would find this more worrying if I'm honest, as if he isn't getting it from you, he is most likely getting it somewhere else.

I would have it out in the open right now, it sounds like there is a lot more to this flirtation than meets the eye.