I think I may have been too nosey for my own good - where do I go from here?

Bold-girl

I know it's not moneysaving, buy you peeps have got such sensible heads and advice I hope you can help me.

I've discovered my OH having sexy chats on his emails to someone who we both know. The woman is in a strong relationship and has said that she's not going to spoil that, BUT, they email each other all the time with lots of inuedo chat, each encouraging the other to say these things. I know you may say that I've asked for it because I've been reading his emails, but we've never had a problem with it before, and I don't even know if he knows I know (IYKWIM). I chat frequently with this woman and she's a lovely lady but obviously never mentions that she has these chats with my OH.

So do I ignore it alltogether because she's said to him she's going to be true to her man, or confront them to say I've read their emails? She's going away for her hols, then we will be away so do you think it will cool off over the next month or so?

As I said I think I've been too nosey so in a way it's all my own fault as I'd never had known a thing if I hadn't read anything, but it doesn't help reading the things he says to her when he never ever says anthing like that to me.

What to do, what to do

Argygirl

At least she has said that she is in a good relationship and isn't going to spoil it...

The things he says to her, did he use to say them to you? If so, maybe you could get that back whilst you are on holiday?

If you confront them, they'll know you know, so you won't be able to keep an eye on it...

SandC

Do you have normal access to his emails, as in does he keep passwords secret from you or not? It's not really snooping if things are generally open and out there and you just happened to come across the emails.

If it were me I would speak to him about it and without getting angry, try to explain that you find it upsetting that you would speak to someone else like that. He is bound to give you all the 'oh we're only friends and messing about, it means nothing, she's said herself she's happy with her fella' etc. But the fact is that it is inappropriate and he needs to know that and things can and do escalate when conducted in this way - even if they never come to fruition in real life.

I look upon this kind of stuff as just as much a betrayal as when things are done physically. If he wouldn't flirt and do all the innuendo stuff with a friend in public then he shouldn't think it's okay to do it over email.

Bold-girl

We have open access to each other's emails - generally no secrets. I originally went on to find an email he 'lost' from me and saw all the emails from her, so clicked on one and thought that looks a little more 'personal than normal so looked into it a little more and found quite a lot from her. I'll admit I now look on most days to see if it's going any further and notice that he now delete's them, but doesn't empty his delete box - so that tells me that he's hiding them from general view as he must know I log on occassionally.

I don't seem to be helping myself and it's getting addictive to find and read them. It doesn't seem like they're real somehow. He never talks about her, and if we do, it's me who mentions her and he doesn't give me any indication that he's chatting to her. I'm going to see how he is when she's away, and see what happens when we get back.

He's seems to be normal when with me, and apart from me knowing this, you wouldn't guess that anything is going on - which if she's happy with her bloke - there isn't - is there?

No, he's never really chatted like this to me - either in emails or face to face. In fact he seems to be like another person completely on line! It may be a fantasy he's living through, but with a person we both know it seems a little wrong to me. If it was with someone I didn't know, would I be bothered? I don't know.

SandC

Right, then you haven't snooped so he can't throw it back at you if you approach him.

I just have to wonder why if she's happy with her bloke she feels the need to flirt with someone else? Some people are 'like that' I guess, but if that's the case then your husband is being suckered in to her game.

I dunno. You don't sound unduly worried and I'm not saying there is anything going on or that it will grow, but to me it's inappropriate and I wouldn't like it at all.

Snuggles

Bold-girl wrote: »

He's seems to be normal when with me, and apart from me knowing this, you wouldn't guess that anything is going on - which if she's happy with her bloke - there isn't - is there?

Well personally, I would say there IS something going on, albeit they may not be having a physical relationship of any sort. For me, this is totally unacceptable, I would be extremely angry with the woman - what is she playing at getting involved in secret sexy chats with your OH, and I would be very upset with my OH. IMO this is a betrayal of sorts, and there is no way I would quietly tolerate it.

Bold-girl

"I just have to wonder why if she's happy with her bloke she feels the need to flirt with someone else? Some people are 'like that' I guess, but if that's the case then your husband is being suckered in to her game."

I suppose I could also say that he musn't be too happy with me to flirt with her. I think he's the one who started it - but I can't be 100% sure about that.

No I'm not to unduly bothered as he's not changed how he's acting with me one jot - he's looking forward to the holiday and seems to be happy in his day to day life - just normal really. I've tried to talk 'funny/sexy' to him in the past but it never got off the ground - perhaps he thought I was being silly as I am his wife for goodness sake!!! Oh well, as I said he's not treating me any differently - if he was, then it would be a different thing entirely.

Perhaps some men like a bit of flirtatious chat - a bit like looking at girly magazines (something he's not done to my knowledge) and if he's got a friend who's not going to stray from her man to flirt with, then perhaps I'm looking at it more suspiciously than necessary

I know when I first started this thread I wondered what I should do, and reading the replies and thinking about it, perhaps I am trying to read into this more than it is. I don't know - it's just a strange feeling to have when you read what they are saying to each other and knowing the people are not like that when face to face.

lab-lover

All I can say is confront him over this ( I know I would). You must have had suspicions to look in the first place? If you don't tackle him and it goes on and on how do you think you'll feel? What do you think he'll say about the e-mails? Sorry, Iam being nosey now

McKneff

I would be having a hissy fit it my OH was having sexy flirts with another woman.

Tell him you dont like this and tell her too.

I dont know how you can even speak to her.

She says she doesnt want to spoil what she's got but she's not bothered about spoiling what you've got and by the sound of your post, its already started.

Reply to one of her emails to him. Just tell her that you have access to your OHs eamails and you dont like what is happening. Then see what she says.
I bet is stops there and then. Cheeky Cow.

lab-lover

McKneff wrote: »

I would be having a hissy fit it my OH was having sexy flirts with another woman.

Tell him you dont like this and tell her too.

I dont know how you can even speak to her.

She says she doesnt want to spoil what she's got but she's not bothered about spoiling what you've got and by the sound of your post, its already started.

Reply to one of her emails to him. Just tell her that you have access to your OHs eamails and you dont like what is happening. Then see what she says.
I bet is stops there and then. Cheeky Cow.

Couldn't have put that better myself

Bold-girl

Snuggles wrote: »

Well personally, I would say there IS something going on, albeit they may not be having a physical relationship of any sort. For me, this is totally unacceptable, I would be extremely angry with the woman - what is she playing at getting involved in secret sexy chats with your OH, and I would be very upset with my OH. IMO this is a betrayal of sorts, and there is no way I would quietly tolerate it.

You may be right - one of the things I've just thought about is what about her fella - would he think it ok? Plus her family. I know one DD very well and I don't know what she would think about this.

It's a strange thing to think about really - and my feeling is that it is a betrayal and not a nice thing to do to either partner, but I really don't know how to get it out in the open. As I said I will wait till all hols are over to see what happens before I open the can of worms as I don't want to spoil my hols because when we're not able to go online, and have some nice things to disctract us, it could easily be forgotten about.