I think I may have been too nosey for my own good - where do I go from here?

Bold-girl

lab-lover wrote: »

All I can say is confront him over this ( I know I would). You must have had suspicions to look in the first place? If you don't tackle him and it goes on and on how do you think you'll feel? What do you think he'll say about the e-mails? Sorry, Iam being nosey now

I didn't have any suspicions to start with, I'd gone on to find a 'lost' email that I had sent him when I saw the unusually high email count from her.
You're not being nosey because I've asked these questions myself and I can't get proper replies and help unless you know the details.

Not sure what he'd say about me reading them - I suppose he could say that I was being nosey (which I was really), but as to their content - well

whitewing

I think your husband's behaviour (and the other woman's) is unacceptable.

Summer-Caitlin

WOW, I can't understand why you are being so unconcerned about this.

My OH, well he was my boyfriend at the time, did this years ago through email and MSN. He didn't know but I used to look up the history and although nothing was said right out in these messages, I got a bad feeling about them and knew it was wrong for them both to be doing this. I knew her too, she was my boyfriends brothers girlfriend (they have since broken up). I eventually confronted him about it and her, there was a huge blow up over it but I felt much better for getting it out in the open. My boyfriend told me that he hadn't intended to hurt me and it had started out innocently enough, but he admitted that the potential was there for it to become more than that if things continued. He stopped that day and we progressed, her and her partner broke up over it as there was more to her side of things than she let on.

There is normally motives behind this sort of thing, if I were you I would nip it in the bud right now!

sarahs999

It took you a long time in these posts to say how you actually felt about this.

I notice a couple of posts above you say you feel it is a 'betrayal'. So you must be feeling pretty hurt? IN which case I think you need to talk to your partner. You'll just have to suck up the fact that you 'snooped' (evebn though it's open access email you still looked at emails that weren't addressed to you). But that's small fry compared to nipping this in the bud and preventing any rot setting in in your relationship. It may just be chats now, but these things have a nasty way of developing.

lab-lover

Bold-girl wrote: »

I didn't have any suspicions to start with, I'd gone on to find a 'lost' email that I had sent him when I saw the unusually high email count from her.
You're not being nosey because I've asked these questions myself and I can't get proper replies and help unless you know the details.

Not sure what he'd say about me reading them - I suppose he could say that I was being nosey (which I was really), but as to their content - well

It's not like you've picked his mobile up and started scanning his texts tho. You were looking for genuine reasons and so happened to see all her e-mails. I think you're entitled to confront him and get an explanation.

Maybe do as someone else has suggested and send her an e-mail. Put a stop to it. Then tell him what you've done. I think though I would sort him out first. If my OH was doing this I would be livid and feel betrayed.

To be honest he's asking for trouble by doing on your pc where you can read whats happening.

Bold-girl

McKneff wrote: »

I would be having a hissy fit it my OH was having sexy flirts with another woman.

Tell him you dont like this and tell her too.

I dont know how you can even speak to her.

She says she doesnt want to spoil what she's got but she's not bothered about spoiling what you've got and by the sound of your post, its already started.

Reply to one of her emails to him. Just tell her that you have access to your OHs eamails and you dont like what is happening. Then see what she says.
I bet is stops there and then. Cheeky Cow.

I'm usually not one for confrontation and because they are acting 'normal' to me I didn't know about the sexy emails till I 'accidentally at first/on purpose now' read them. I agree it does sound like they like what they've got on the home front and don't want to spoil that, at the same time as having a bit of online nooky on the side which they are keeping to themselves.

I often wonder if I ever did this, what would my OH think? I don't know how I could ever do this as I'm so open and don't have any male friends that I chat to anyway. He's a chatty person to his friends and he's got plenty of online pals he chats to. When face to face, he's a different bloke, a bit shy and retiring and I think he likes to hide behind the alleged anonymity of emailing.

lostinrates

I think it depands what you mean by ''sexy chats'' and flirts. Is it jokey innuendo in a Carry on film sort of way, or is it more personal ''I would like to do to you?'. The former wouldn't worry me, the sesond would. However, the boundaries are personal, and your partner must respect any reasonable boundary you feel omfortable with.

sclancy1

Have to agree with McKneff.. would reply to one of her emails and very kindly ask her to **** off....

It's all very well saying it's innocent cos she is in a happy relationship but would it be past "just emails" now if she wasn't??? I know that's what I would be thinking and I wouldn't be able to get past that thought without talking to him...

Bold-girl

I think my quandry about confessing is that when I saw the first email originally it was by accident - but now I'm looking for them - and that's where I've gone past my own rules.

I once had a conversation regarding this with my OH over a text that my dd had on her mobile. My oh wanted to check it out but I said that no way should he do that as it was on HER mobile and in my mind it was private - he would not open a private letter to her. He agreed that it was and hadn't thought about it before then. But now I'm doing exactly that which I berated him about - his emails should be private, even though we know each other's passwords and usually have not problem with going on each other sites, I am going on to snoop - and have seen something I don't like. I am breaking my own ground rules.

sarymclary

What a difficult situation for you to be in. How did it make you feel when you first read the emails, and realised the content wasn't exactly innocent?

Personally, I would consider this 'banter' an act of betrayal, just because any kind of 'sexy chat' should happen between a couple, not between social friends. There has to be a reason they both like this kind of secret correspondence, and part of it has to be that it is naughty, saucy and clandestine. Apart from sexual titillation, what is to be gained by it? It just seems like a very odd thing to happen, without it being the preamble to taking things further. Would you discuss your sexual preferences with this woman's husband? It is the kind of thing I have experienced when online dating, and several of the people I was in contact with seemed to want to have this kind of chat online, whereas I considered it rather tacky, and told me that this person wasn't for me.

I know someone who was constantly unfaithful to a partner, and when I asked them about why they did it, they said it was to be given that special attention they don't get with their partner, but they said they always chose the right person to have their affair with, and that person had to have as much to lose as they did, which guaranteed they would keep schtum, and not jeopardise the status quo of their family lives. These relationships would run for several years, the last one prior to the break up of the spousal relationship, was with the partner's best friend (the incentive to stay quiet was that they would have a best friend and the affair to lose, and presumably it was a 'compliment' to be chosen over the friend/spouse), and it lasted 3 years. Even after the marriage broke up, the best friend never confided about the relationship, although it did get admitted to in an argument after the split.

What I'm trying to show here is that neither of them may want to spoil the relationships they have at home, but it does look like they are looking to spice things up with one another. In my book that's wrong. If either of them wants to spice up their sex lives it should be with their spouse.

I would have to say something before my holiday in order to get it out in the open. As far as I see it, he has done a wrong, and the holiday would be an ideal opportunity for him to make things up to you, and to spend that special time to work on spicing things up together.

Are you scared of a confrontation with him? If so, why? If confronting him is an issue for you, then I would make it clear to the lady friend that you have copies of all the emails (I hope you do have them sent/copied to another email account, or USB stick so they can't be denied), and whilst she may have considered this to be just a bit of innocent fun, you do not find it to be so, and actually feel that you have been disrespected and betrayed by their behaviour. If she considers sending anything like it again, you would have no choice but to send the batch of emails to her husband to see, and decide for himself whether he feels it's appropriate.

I think that by doing nothing you could be leaving space for this matter to develop into something more. They wouldn't be the first, and they won't be the last to do such a thing, wrong as it is.