What would you do? inheritance decision to make with limited choices.

Any

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

It's plain to me from all you have written that your mother loves you very, very much and is obviously motivated by her concern for your future well-being and financial security and that of your children, especially with your present partner in the picture.

If you haven't learned anything, you must have learned that it truly is possible to make your own path in life, make your own mistakes from the wonderful example your mother has set you even if the cost seems quite high from where you're standing. You don't have to live the life-style that your mother and sister do if you don't want to, and you don't have to make the same sacrifices your mother has. I believe your mother feels you're making sacrifices of a different kind: you have different values and aspirations but you could have better and you do deserve to have better.

I think your mother sounds wonderful and she is obviously a very clever and perceptive lady. Think about the hurt and frustration she might be feeling, seeing you not try and make the very best of what she obviously feels you have the potential to achieve if only you had the tools to achieve it. She's trying to put the tools in your hand. Reach out and accept it: I'm sure you'll make her very happy. Talk to her about everything you've written here to explain your reservations about what she has proposed. This may be your last chance because she might become completely exasperated with your unwillingness to move to what she sees as a better place in your life. You have nothing to lose except the possibility of real security and happiness. I envy you, I really do.

Extremely well said. Especially the highlighted lines. I feel from the OP's posts that her mother is really trying to help you.

And by the way - get rid of that man! He is a looser!

angel_delight

Thanks again to you all for everything.

It's weird reading some of the latest posts- you have my personality spot on and all of the things said about my partner have been said by my own mum time after time the last several years. It's not that I don't agree with you all or her and I hate myself for not being strong, independent and optimistic- I really do. I know I have a bad habit of sticking with things, playing safe even though it's not good long term. That's not to say I haven't taken risks before but 7/10 my life has turned out no better or worse for one reason or another.

Many of your posts have inspired me and given a lot of food for thought too. Can I just say I don't expect an inheritance, i'm more than greatful enough of everything my mum has done for me already. If I could choose to recieve nothing or have her around for another fifty years i'd choose the latter any day. It's why i've been avoiding talking about it with her for so long. I can see now more clearly why she's put the limited choices on (and not just in regards to it being an investment). I will broach her about considering some of it for me to retrain though (she has mentioned about me doing this before aswell but I have always been put off going back to college in the day with all the 16/17 yr olds at my age and all the evening courses are when i'm working, but will check out further options).

Anyway last night I brought up the subject again with the o.h of accepting the house. Highlighted why it would benefit the kids so much in the future. He can understand that- especially considering I said it's not as if me/you/your parents are in any position to do that/unlikely in the future if we remain as we are. I asked him would he seriously be prepared to give over the equivalent of the rent money ( found out it's £85 per wk not £90 as originally thought ) to my mum so she can put it into an seperate account for the home repairs/decorating/furnishing and council tax. Maybe transfer it weekly from his bank account to hers.

Three issues arose from this.

First being if my mum's going to buy me a house then why would he need to pay the same equivalent in rent? He says he struggles with paying this amount as it is and anymore than paying £50 would be pointless in accepting her offer. He wouldn't struggle if he budgeted his weekly wages that bit better although he'd beg to differ in that he budgets "just fine- better than any other bloke who wastes it down the pub". I've worked out before amounts he needs to put by wkly for rent/c.tax, gas & elec and he would have £60/£70 spare. Lord knows what that's going on though when he says he can't afford that bill yet or can't contribute to some paint or his daughters birthday for example? He's the type to moan about how much he works (40 hrs) for such a cr*p amount left over after paying the bills. Yes granted wages down my way are rubbish but he still earns way above the NMW what most people get from being in an unskilled job like himself and yet he shows less ambition than me to improve that situation. It's why I won't tolerate much his moans/excuses and get fed up of his "no life" or "in debt on plastic" quotes about others like it somehow makes him better/justifie's the way he is.

I told him if he could afford the rent each week (which is the bill he deems most important and about the only one he's not usually late on/in debt with) then surely he could still afford to pay the equivalent to the house? Not only would he have his spare £60/£70 from his wages but have no weekly council tax amount to set aside either (because it would already be included in the rent equivalent given to the home). That way my mum could make sure it was payed on time. Of course there was moans of i'd rather just give you the council tax seperately out of my bank account come the end of the month when it's due to which I told him i'm not sure I could trust him always to have it ready/not give me a excuse. That I would feel safer in the knowledge if he did what I initially suggested- knowing full too well he might be able to fob me off but wouldn't with my mum. Of course he said it's ridicolous- what about when she go's? and I told him I would deal with that when it happens and by that time I would hope he was more sensible with finances/priorities which didn't go down too well..but what the heck.

What he failed to realise is that with being a bought home even the 4 bed rm houses in the not so desirable areas of my town (been checking them out online/doing sums last night) under £200,000 have a higher tax band by anything up to nearly £48 more per month than what he's used to paying. Even if he agree's paying the £85 equivalent to an account it wouldn't leave that much left over for the extra things hence I need to add caution here. If he knew how much extra the c.tax might possibly be he would use it as another excuse to say "it's not worth it".

Which is exactly what he said in regards to if for example my mum set a budget and we could not get a better home than what we have now-as there would be no way he'd move to the less desirable parts. Yes he's got a point-although were in a council home were fortunately not directly right in the estate itself and our neighbours are either elderley or private house types and all great. Just the right distance from central town too but still have everything we need near by & a good regular bus service etc. Plus he states he wouldn't want to move to a place with smaller gardens/rooms/windows than what we have got regardless of whether it had a extra bedroom or not. Even i'm not that fussy!

Apparently he's to give me his decision later on today whether he's for it or not. I told him that it's primarily my decision anyway (as it's my inheritance plus affecting the kids future) and at least I was doing the decent thing in consulting/talking it through with him first. I get the gut feeling from after though our conversation has probably rocked this rocky relationship even more and i'll get virtually ignored for god knows how long, but still that's nothing new.

Anyway I best sign off, my mum's up in a couple hours or so for a driving lesson with me and i'm dreading it if she brings it up cos of all the stress/pressure it's causing which in turn makes me feel even more guilt as I know she's only doing all this out of love and wanting the best for me.

lynzpower

I ahve jsut read this through.

Sending you a huge hug.

First being if my mum's going to buy me a house then why would he need to pay the same equivalent in rent? He says he struggles with paying this amount as it is and anymore than paying £50 would be pointless in accepting her offer. He wouldn't struggle if he budgeted his weekly wages that bit better although he'd beg to differ in that he budgets "just fine- better than any other bloke who wastes it down the pub". I've worked out before amounts he needs to put by wkly for rent/c.tax, gas & elec and he would have £60/£70 spare. Lord knows what that's going on though when he says he can't afford that bill yet or can't contribute to some paint or his daughters birthday for example? He's the type to moan about how much he works (40 hrs) for such a cr*p amount left over after paying the bills. Yes granted wages down my way are rubbish but he still earns way above the NMW what most people get from being in an unskilled job like himself and yet he shows less ambition than me to improve that situation. It's why I won't tolerate much his moans/excuses and get fed up of his "no life" or "in debt on plastic" quotes about others like it somehow makes him better/justifie's the way he is.

my bolding.

This man is not good enough for you. How can he fritter on gadgets for himself? And not contribute to his own daughters birthday?

You say he is too proud to take from anyone but he seems quite easily to take from you!

xx

margaretclare

Just a bit about council tax: I have a 2-bed modernised 1930s bungalow and council tax is in 'C' band. We pay £117 a month for it.

My eldest GD pays more than that for her 1-bed council flat! There seems to be little or no logic about council tax banding.

Oh, and I completely agree with lynzpower above.

bestpud

Oh my word!

I feel so sad that you are writing yourself off at 35, and even more sad you feel you need a man in your life, whatever the cost to you and your children.

Do you know the saying 'if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you got' or words to that effect - I don't know the exact words.

Its fine if you are happy with what you've always got, but you clearly aren't!

I've just become a single parent at 38 (well, the day before my 38th birthday lol) and the only downside for me is I don't have financial stability for my children, and I feel awful about that. Plus it means I largely fit the single parent stereotype, for now!

You wouldn't have that problem...

For whose benefit do you stay in this relationship? Is it friends/family/other parents...? It seems as though you feel the need to show all is well because you have everything you need, but it's all a facade. What are you trying to prove, and to whom?

Have a good chat with your mum, and be honest with her. Tell her how you feel and see if the two of you can come up with a plan to change your life.

I think retraining is a great idea, and colleges are not what they used to be so you won't be sat in a class of 17 year olds - honest! I've made very good friends from my access course and they are all older than me!

In as little as five years, you could be standing on your own two feet, with the life you've always wanted, but felt was out of reach. They say life begins at 40...!

Good luck with it, and let us know what you decide.

Susan_Frost

If OH pays money directly supporting the house, does that mean he would have a strong/stronger claim to a value from the house if you do eventually split. I dont know, just a thought.

bestpud

Susan_Frost wrote: »

If OH pays money directly supporting the house, does that mean he would have a strong/stronger claim to a value from the house if you do eventually split. I dont know, just a thought.

I wondered that, and I'd leave him out of it personally, just in case.

BitterAndTwisted

These are all issues which I firmly believe OP's mother has already considered and may well have a sensible plan to prevent OPs partner from having any claim on any property. This lady was a very successful businesswoman so she's obviously not a fool.

I think full disclosure and a SOA between the OP and her partner are well overdue. Many, many couples don't have £60-£70 a week of disposable income, never mind just one of them!

poet123

This decision could be the catalyst for some life changing moves (no pun intended) Make the right one for you and your children. If the relationship is rocky, better ended sooner ather than later when he does have a financial interest in the new house if he pays to the upkeep.

To be honest, if he does pay, I would allocate his monies clearly (keep a written copy of the "agreement") to food and utilities, not the bricks and mortar maintenance. If your mother was deemed ;)responsible for these it would also help negate any claim he had.

Really though, what shines through the posts isthat you wantotmake changes but are afraid. I imagine there are many woman in this situation,but you are really one of the lucky ones. You have the emotional and financial support of your mother, and the obvious brains to academically better your position.

At 35 you are still young enough to make these changes and have a great life. I work in a College and there are people of all age groups doing exactly this, they make lifelong freinds and enter a ready made extra support network of likeminded individuals. You can do it, I see it done every day.

Dont be sitting in a nursing home 50 ( think of how long that is) years from now regretting your choices.

Good luck.

NAR

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Why don't you consider asking your wonderful, kind-hearted and clever mother to buy the house in her own name? You and OH pay rent on it and then she can bequeath the house to you on her death if she wants to.

Mother is trying to avoid IHT by buying it for daughter now.