What would you do? inheritance decision to make with limited choices.

tandraig

Apparently he's to give me his decision later on today whether he's for it or not. I told him that it's primarily my decision anyway (as it's my inheritance plus affecting the kids future) and at least I was doing the decent thing in consulting/talking it through with him first. I get the gut feeling from after though our conversation has probably rocked this rocky relationship even more and i'll get virtually ignored for god knows how long, but still that's nothing new.
I think you are really thinking hard angel about your future - and maybe finally growing some spine!!! i dont mean to be harsh and maybe my last post was a bit harsh on you. but sometimes you need that kick up the backside to motivate you - God knows I have in past!!! your are dead right - is YOUR inheritance Your future and you have a lovely mum who seems to be offering you a way out if you want it. talk to her hun - she sounds like one smart lady!

Bennifred

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

...............In your position I'd get shot of him and move into your new house on your own with your children: he's an albatross around your neck and he's not doing anything that I can see to be a proper supporting partner in life and will most probably drag you down or keep you in exactly the same situation you are in now when it could be a much, much better one.

Totally agree with this!
OP - your life partner should be someone who wants the best for you and the children, not just himself! He sounds very selfish and immature.
BE BRAVE! Don't be afraid of not having an OH - you have a long life ahead of you and without your current OH getting in the way who knows what/who might appear. And if you won't do it for yourself, think of the example you are giving your children - that it's OK to settle with someone like OH for fear of being alone........ Please don't use the excuse of worrying about the possible house maintainance - do you think your Mum would abandon you?!

Cookhamite

Blimey. Take the house and be grateful. I think you have a chip on your shoulder re the alleged snobbery so let it go, most people would be delighted to be in your shoes.
Or - carry on feeling like you do, take the moral high ground (in your eyes) and let her leave it to charity. Then you don't have to ever think about it again.

carolan78

Cookhamite wrote: »

Blimey. Take the house and be grateful. I think you have a chip on your shoulder re the alleged snobbery so let it go, most people would be delighted to be in your shoes.
Or - carry on feeling like you do, take the moral high ground (in your eyes) and let her leave it to charity. Then you don't have to ever think about it again.

We have moved on from the first post did you bother reading any of the OP's more recent posts? She is frightened of what may lay ahead and is realising she has a lot of choices to make and the issue isn't the house it is actually her relationship with her OH.

I for hope you get rid of him, who knows it maybe just the kick up the jacksey he needs to realise the error of his ways. Really hope you confide in your mum and tell her what can of worms the offer has opened. I know she will be supportive of you, you can tell by the options she is just wanting you to have the life you actually want but are too scared to pursue xx

NAR

angel_delight your last few posts have been more enlightening regarding your circumstances and fears. I'm glad you have taken some advice from this thread and also realised that others have empathised with your situation. Why not take time in printing off some of the useful paragraphs, including some in your own posts, and then discuss with your mother your fears of potential financial issues ahead if you accepted the offer of her buying you a house. You might be suprised with what practical solutions she comes up with.

tandraig

angel - i can sympathise - you dont want to break up your relationship and we have only heard your side - which is why i havent commented on that. but, NAR is right perhaps your mum doesnt understand your motivation - all she sees is a 'waste of space' using you? oh lord here i go being harsh again. but perhaps as outsiders we may see the situation differently?? especially if we are blessed with OHs who are decent honourable people who work hard to provide for family. obviously your OH has good qualities - you wouldnt be with him otherwise would you? only you can decide if the good outweighs the bad!!! YOUR life hun - but it could be your kids future you are deciding on here. i strongly suggest you have a heart to heart with mum. good luck hun will be thinking of you.

Zazen999

Can I be rude and ask how much £ he is paying into the household at the minute?

roswell

Take this advice at face value but almost a year ago my mum set up her will .. if anyone had told her 9 mpnths later I would be executing it she would have laughed at them till the day was blue but thats exactly what has happened she passed away suddenly less than 9 months after setting up her will, i didnt want to help her at the time the will was set up thinking it was a million miles off but im very thankfull that when the time came I didnt have anything difficult like inheritance tax / probate to deal with and that alone is the greatest gift they can leave you.

BTW my mum was 57 when she passed away ..

angel_delight

Roswell I'm really sorry to hear about your mum. When you put it like that, it's just hit home I suppose the stupidity of me avoiding discussing it with my mum for so long. It's not like i'm not old enough to understand or take for granted that she might be around for years yet. If anything it does concern me somewhat as all family on her side (older generations) have passed away in their early-mid 60's from heart attacks etc. I know it concerns her too to a degree which is why she's always been on some diet trying to loose a couple stone so in order not to get diabetes like my late gran did.

Lynzpower your right it's one matter that has got to me a lot and it's not like I haven't told him what a selfish **** he is in the past for it. Didn't even have a bean off him when pregnant for all the endless baby kit needed. Once in a blue moon he'll shock me by buying the odd cheapo toy/book/clothing item and he gets her sweets lots (too much if i'm honest)- don't suppose that counts though?. Past year or so he's said I gan give you £5-£10 towards her xmas/b.day so the guilt complex must of slightly kicked in. Barely helps but hey am used to it now. What grates me more is him leaving ALL the organisation/preperation of celebrations like that to me and then he wonders why i'm like some knackered frazzled moany fish wife. Could of even have done with a hand in helping get her school bits for January (e.g coming along at least), but he rarely shows an interest. Will use every excuse in the book to the bills- to no time- to "that's why you mothers get the child benefits in your accounts". He's always making out i'm left better off than him every week cos of that. I wish :rotfl: . He doesn't even have a clue of the weekly bus fares for the kids or shopping bill for starters.

Yes I had heard before now the amounts for the same c.tax band can vary considerably depending where you are in the country- if non council properties. Suppose they go on location/desirability of the areas amongst others??

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got, and you'll always feel what you always felt". Just had to look the rest up and meaning although had hazzarded a good guess- yep there's a lot of truth in that. Well done to you BestPud in regards to the course and being so optimistic after your split. If I could just feel half of that or your braveness i'd go for it. Certainly don't stay with him for a front to others, purely my own weakness of not wanting to be alone, and of course finacial security. Sometimes I so want it over but than think I can't, not just yet- have to bide my time until i've passed my driving test/found a better job in daytime hours. So even if he's in the wrong or ignored me for days i'll creep back up to him starting with the obvious and then you know everythings rosy for a while/I feel loved (which although short lived I probably cling on to). So i'm useful for something to him too- yes there's many a tear i've shed of feeling no more than a glorified prostitute at times. Well those were my sisters words many years ago during a rare "chat". He's so quick to deny this though and will easily turn the tables making out he's the unloved one. I'm sure you know my mum has given up all hope of me getting shot of him for good judging by various things she's said over the years.

Had a good chat with her yesterday- my word her face at the prospect of me saying i'd considered it (the house) , how chuffed she was to hear i'd done bits and bobs of research too. We went through stuff and I mentioned every concern possible my frazzled brain could think of at the time. She was very re-assuring anyway saying she'd help do this/ensure that. I get the impression she was a bit puzzled as to what had changed my mind but so pleased none the less. Casually let slip i'd talked things over with an "internet friend". Not sure what she'd of thought if i'd of said a whole forums worth. Okay slight exaggaration but there have been many of you that have helped/advised..continue to do so of which I really appreciate.

Anyway the downer came in the form of my son. These days the teens alternatively pick days to just "loose it" at me for anything up to a good hour or so. The one who's not acting up is sort of being good. I've lost the will to verbally fight back/defend myself most times so will usually treat it similar in a sense to how I do my toddler in a paddy. E.G- i'll say "Have you quite finished sla**ing me off?, "Calmed down yet?" or i'll enjoy their beetroot wound up faces as I continue to repeatedly say " uhu carry on i'm listening" (with smile on my face) while pottering about making out i'm ignoring it.:rotfl:Yesterday though my son so narked me. Apparently while I was out with my mum on my driving lesson he asks my o.h what his decision is going to be in regards to the house. O.h went out the house as soon as I came back with my mum and once she left my son told me what they'd discussed. O.H had apparently told him "I guess i'm going to have to go along with it." He confirmed same words back to me later that night.

Anyone would think I was sticking a gun to his head fgs. Truth be known is that although he's said in past he wouldn't hesitate to go/move out if necessary but sticks it out for our daughter (stated in rows) deep down really I don't think he wants to end up in a horrible titchy bedsit like his mum. Trying to go over the bonuses/reasons why again- it was like talking to someone that was blocking you out/couldn't at least see, comprehend or be pleased at the good out of it all/possible savings. At one point he even said "You know what I don't care, it's nothing to do with me, you just do what you want!" Anyone would think i'd been at his ear holes non stop for a week but were talking 10-15 mins max the past couple days.

Back to my son and the conversation they'd had earlier though- well my son had put it to him if he's saved x amount of money (rent equivalent) in this put by account for the home emergency/decorating/council tax fund and so much had accumulated (with intention of saving for longer) then if we split he should take it all out as he's entitled to it. Couldn't believe my son- i'm sure he said that to spite me but it put the idea in o.h's head and he'd said he'd take half without a doubt. Mum mentioned earlier in the day about putting a clause on it to say he couldn't touch it as it was for the home and just because it hadn't been touched for a while doesn't mean he's entitled to it back, afterall he would of still been living in the house for x amount of time rent free etc. Then it got me feeling guilty thinking well should he be entitled to half back if we split and would it be wrong of me to say no? Another excuse he'd find to "not want to ahead". I mean obviously the c.tax would get payed on time each month from it but what if also the remaing saved was being used frequently on new carpets/wallpaper- what would he do then? strip that off/chop it up cos wev'e split? Defeats the whole object of saving long term for say a majar repair bill without that hanging over me or him not paying anything at all if there's a clause on it. He has even repeated to me saying why should he have to when it's bought anyway. I felt like screaming yes by my mother not yours, as mine/the kids inheritance and it's not like we won't have bills/future repairs anyway. :mad:

Anyway hope I haven't bored you all to tears? lol - between him and my teenagers I slowly feel like i'm loosing more of my sanity, hope, self esteem week by week for God knows how long now. It's got to the point where I day dream about reaching a point in time where it's just me and the little one left. No tension, no insults/ungratitude, no being a walking bank. Not constantly feeling like i've got to keep him happy in the sack more often than I want/like just so he's nice and spends some time with me without having to beg or having control freak quotes chucked at me cos i'm taking him away from his other precious past times or mate. Now you know what I meant by tip of all the other probs at the end of my first post.

P.S Couple bits I missed: Yes it does concern me the kids being brought up in this enviroment. The eldest two think it's primaily to do with me "biding my time" , i'm using him just as much as he is me. But of course yes theres lonliness too. Am always saying out of o.h's ear shot to eldest dd - see what I have to put up with?, and joke about how she shouldn't bother getting married just incase.lol.

And his contributions to the house- pays rent, c.tax, elec and gas of which he's behind on so owes more than would do normally. Even still I worked out his wkly share of bills last night out of his weekly wages and he's still left with £60 spare to do as he pleases.

ailuro2

If your other half (I say that because it's forum etiquette, not because I think he is your 'other half' but he isn't a partner either, is he?) refuses the house and comes up with excuses, then you'll know he is not interested in what's best for the kids.

At the end of the day most women can endure a pile of manure so long as they think it is better for the kids to be there than not.

If your man proves again that he doesn't have the kids best interests at heart, then that's a big reason NOT to stay.....

By practising being strong and by pretending to be more confident than you think you are...guess what that makes you become?

Yup, you got it, a brave, strong, independent woman. Maybe you don't want to be as ambitious as you mother, but you do also want what's best for your kids, so that's something you have in common.

What happens when the elderly folk who are your neighbours die? What happens when the bad neighbours move in?

With a property you own you can sell up and move on, in council accommodation you will have to stay put for longer.

Less desirable owned accommodation compared to where you are now - if you're really,truly honest to goodness happy where you are, then stay put.If you're not then leave your man behind in the council house and get a smaller house in a nicer area. It's an easy way to get rid of him, it sounds like an ideal opportunity to grasp your freedom.

Best of Luck!:D